I am a very black and white person. I like things to be consistent and I hate it when things don’t fit into the category that I have given them previously. Of course this has caused me endless grief throughout my life. I have not been able to get my head around friends who do things that irritate me because at the time I didn’t understand that being friends with someone did not meat I had to like EVERYTHING about that particular person. I have spent an unreasonable amount of time considering wether I should work for certain companies because I had ethical issues with some of their practices. The list goes on and on.
One of the major issues I have had is the conflict between my feeling that I should be a ‘good girl’ but what my soul wants is nothing more than to be a ‘bad girl’. For a lot of my life I was ashamed of my predilection for short skirts, low cut dresses and big come fuck me boots. I didn’t realise that my mother and the world I grew up in was not only wrong but also hypocritical. For better or worse I was determined to be Mrs Jones; the perfect good girl who was always dressed appropriately and behaved as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.
As I grew up I began to give in to the dark side. I sometimes bought clothing that wasn’t exactly appropriate. I had sexual relationships that taught me that enjoying sex was not dirty. My marraige to Mr Jones has helped this process along considerably and today I find myself acknowledging that the good girl part of my personality and the bad girl part of my personality can co-exist in the same body.
And so Gemma Jones was born. In her fullest expression Gemma is not a bad girl, she is a Sex Goddess. She is comfortable with her body, who she is and knows what she wants out of life. Gemma is not plagued with doubts or concerns about what other people think about her. And most importantly she is happy.
For a few years I was able to live in Gemma mode pretty much all the time. But that was just a small window in time while I studied. Inevitably the degree I was studying was completed and I was faced with the reality of using the qualification I had just spent so many sleepless nights agonising over.
The career I had chosen meant that I would be working with teenagers. A frustrating, stressful and very rewarding field but not one that is populated with open minded people. It is unlikely that most of my colleagues or the parents of my students would be open minded enough to accept some of my more unconventional lifestyle choices,
And so now I find myself living the classic double life trying to stop my bad girl side from bleeding into my good girl life. I am an honest person. It is incredibly difficult for me to maintain a lie over an extended period. And so it is only a matter of time before Gemma makes an appearance. I can only hope she doesn’t do anything too inappropriate.
Really enjoyed reading this…. sounds like a very cathartic process for you. .. like you have found a happy place… keep the great words coming.