I began this blog partly as a way of making some changes to the way I was blogging with Erotic Adventures. The other part of the change was to tell the story of my journey. I was raised in a Catholic, white, middle class family. My parents are very conservative and so my sexual education as I passed through adolescence was almost non-existent.
By contrast my lifestyle today is what many people of my parents’ ilk would call hedonistic. It is not an easy transition. When I was a prudish schoolgirl who planned to be a virgin on her wedding night and was terrified of being caught masturbating I thought everyone else was more sexual than me. These days I am often confronted with the reality that while we all like to TALK about sex, very few people out there are actually having the kind of sex we like to talk about or watch on the Internet.
In some ways the transformation was inevitable. Even when I was very young I was insatiably curious about sex. Maybe it was because I was starved for information by my parent’s refusal or inability to talk about sex with me. Other aspects of my upbringing made me very socially awkward. I didn’t have may friends as a teenager and so I couldn’t ask my questions or talk about normal curiosity with my friends.
And so I resorted to furtively reading the sex advice columns in magazines and exploring my own body as much as I could in the limited privacy that a boarding school allowed. I masturbated frequently to the point where I couldn’t go to sleep without it. I liked to wear short skirts and I was proud of my breasts. I know now that that were pretty nice breasts. I wish that I had been more confident of my breasts when I was younger but I am making up for it now.
Mr Jones was one of the key people who finally helped me to reach a place where I am more or less comfortable with my body and my sexuality at least for a while. Our sexual relationship started out with a huge bang. For the first time ever I felt as if he ‘got’ me and we fucked like rabbits, until life took over. The arrival of children radically changed things in our relationship. I won’t go into all the sordid details but for a long time I couldn’t understand how much emphasis Mr Jones put on sex. For me it was fun but just the icing on the cake. I just didn’t get that sex is an important part of feeling loved especially for him. There was constant friction between us about the need for ‘enough’ sex.
My twisted upbringing had trained me well to repress my body’s natural desires and to this day I find it hard to just be horny. When I realise that I am sometimes it is like a triumph and I want to shout from the rooftops. “I am not broken! I can be horny!” The result of my repression was that I began to resent his desire and like so many women with small children and a job to juggle, sex just became one of the chores to tick off on the list of things to get done this week.
Looking back and talking with some people about this topic I know now that we were definitely having more sex than a lot of people even when he kept making me feel like we weren’t. I also know that it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes though knowing something intellectually does erase the negative impressions and bad associations. I still struggle daily with some things like telling him when I am horny or making sure that I enjoy the experience as well.
This negativity dominated my sexual landscape for a very long time, even now it still rears its ugly head from time to time making me over think and over analyse everything that is going on. These days I am starting to realise that this is part of a bigger problem and I am dealing with it that way. Like everyone with this kind of issue I am very good at hiding it. Being in “Gemma mode” is in a lot of ways a mask. Gemma is Mrs Jones but she is also the person Mrs Jones isn’t able to be. Gemma doesn’t have body hang ups or worries about not being sexy or concerns about wether she is doing the sex right. She knows she is one of the hottest creatures on the planet and that when she walks in the room every guys wants to fuck her. It is very liberating being able to slip into character so to speak but there have been times when Gemma has overdone things a little and then left Mrs Jones to pick up the pieces.
I guess that is part of life really and directing my energy towards focussing on the positives instead of dwelling on the negatives is part of my approach to dealing with the issues I mentioned earlier. Like everything it is a journey and I will be on it for the rest of my life. In the spirit of being positive I am looking forward to the ride.