A couple of years ago I was essentially a stay at home Mum. My time was my own and there was no real demands on my time. Nor were there any real consequences to be feared from people finding out about my alternative marriage arrangements. The only aspect of my life that conflicted with my marriage choice was a parent at my children’s Catholic primary school discovering my secret and using it against them in some way. Even that issue was not particularly concerning to me. At that time in my life I believed that the path to more people accepting non-monogamy was more non-monogamous people being more open about their lifestyle.
Four years ago I started a teaching degree which I completed and in due course I commenced working as a teacher. It turned out that being Gemma took up an awful lot of time. Time that I suddenly found I didn’t have. Consequently my Erotic Adventures became fewer and further between. I found myself regressing into the person I was before Gemma came along. My sex life found itself squeezed into the tiny cracks in time that came along very infrequently. Getting into the headspace where I could truly let myself go and live in the sexual moment has become incredibly difficult.
Along with the lack of opportunity my desire to even consider being Gemma has become very sporadic. It’s a kind of chicken and egg thing really. Does the lack of opportunity create less Gemma or does the smaller amount of Gemma headspace mean I don’t create opportunity? Either way the effect is the same, a lot of work and not much playing.
I have been down this road before. At a time when I have two small children and was hell bent on being a throughly modern woman who had a career and still manage be a perfect mother. I refused to ask for help then and my marriage went almost to breaking point. I am afraid of the same thing happening again even though I know the warning signs.
Even though I have journeyed through something like this and made it out the other side I still worry that I won’t be able to avoid falling into the same trap. And if I do fall into that trap I won’t be able to get out a second time. Or even better avoid the trap altogether,
It is a challenge. A lot of days I think keeping Gemma alive is not worth the effort. I think I would have a quieter life if I just let her die her death. Writing this post I have realised that her existence is important. I have to find a way to keep her alive both in my mind and in reality. I have to find a way to open up more time and headspace for her. The consequences of not finding that space are not worth considering.
All work and no play make Mrs Jones not worth keeping up with.