TMI Tuesday – The Bad Sex Edition

It is TMI bonus week. When I went to write my post for this week I discovered a half written post from s couple of weeks ago. At the time I discarded it because it put me in a bad headspace. Today however I have reclaimed myself, I am woman hear me roar! So read my words and hopefully learn from my experiences. 

  
1. Have you ever had bad sex? Why do you think it was bad?I have indeed had some bad sex in my life. The first time I had sex was a real let down. The guy had a big dick, he had no idea I was a virgin and I was a notch on his bedpost. It was never going to end well. 

Since then I have had probably way too much bad sex. Mainly as a result of me not speaking up and saying no when I should have. I have a chronic problem with needing to please people and this leads to me giving them what they want even when it is hurting me emotionally and physically. As I get older I am getting better at saying no and, more importantly, the people around me are getting better at recognising the signs when I am giving more than I should. 
2. Have you ever given bad sex? Why did that happen?

See above. I can’t think of many times when my partner has walked away unsatisfied but I am sure my dissatisfaction with the situation rubs off sometimes. 

3. What instantly puts you in a bad mood?

Earlier in my marraige sex became a commodity that was given out to keep the peace. I guess it was symptomatic of a lot of other unspoken things that were happening at the time. Also it was a result of my screwed up Catholic upbringing. What ever the reason I got into the habit of giving ‘mercy sex’. This kind of sex gave little pleasure for me and the feeling of seeing someone get pleasure from my body without any of that feeling for me was an instant mood killer.  

4. Have you been hurt during a sexual activity? What was the activity? How were you hurt or injured?

Emotionally I have been hurt a lot (see above). Physically not so much. Sometimes there has been discomfort during sex but I am generally careful to not be physically harmed. I guess I have been fortunate, or careful, not have chosen a partner that will hurt me physically. 

5. During sex, what instantly turns you off?

There are a few things that are mood killers when in the flirting stage. One of these is body odour and other is cigarette odour. Once the clothes start to come off body odour again can become an issue. Especially if a guy has a lot of pubic hair and it has that smell that happens when it isn’t clean. Another thing that is a mood killer for me is when a guy is sweating a lot and it drips off his face onto mine. I hate it. 

6. Bad sex–is there really such a thing?

Ohhh yes!!!! I think I have described a few situations in this post. Other things that can result in bad sex;

• A small penis. I know it is politically incorrect but I am picky about size. It doesn’t have to be massive but if it is smaller than average then you better know how to use it!
• A malfunctioning penis. Guys this is the age of medical enhancement. Situations involving onlookers or unfamiliar surroundings WILL cause issues. Get some viagra.
• Not being comfortable. I am not necessarily talking about unfamiliar situations more like not being confident that you are attractive or being made to feel like you are just a living breathing sex doll. It may work for some but not for me.

Bonus: Biting during sex–

a. do you like it?

When I am a little bit aroused on gentle biting around my neck is a huge turn on. 

b. do you do it?

I must admit I do. In an encounter with pet I got a bit carried away with biting and left some significant bruises. What surprised me about that situation was how turned on I got by doing it. 

For more TMI goodness head to the TMI page.

Not Without My Permission

I was prompted to write this post by a comment I read on Facebook about a woman who punched a guy in a bar because he touched her without her permission. Now the comment did not elaborate about exactly where she was touched or even how many times he touched her before she punched him. I think it is reasonable to assume it wasn’t a tap on the shoulder to get her attention and it is likely he was told to stop touching her that way and he ignored that instruction. In which case his touching was neither warranted nor reasonable. I want to make it clear right at the start that this post is not going to be a feminist rant about men who think they have the right to touch women whenever, wherever and however they like. There is plenty of stuff on the net about that. What sprang to mind when I read this comment was a situation I came accross in a club a couple of years ago. 

I met a woman who was very flirtatious. She was at the event with a man who was very touchy-feely and had to put in his place a couple of times that night but interestingly his girlfriend was acting in a very similar way. Somehow she got the idea that I like being randomly slapped on the ass as she walked past me. I am not saying that I was entirely against the idea but it was a little bit more than I was used to. What made me sit up and take notice was that when I returned the favour she rounded on me with a tirade about how that kind of thing made her uncomfortable because of her history of being physically abused. 

Like WTF???? 

Her story may very well have been true but in my mind you should not put out what you are not prepared to recieve. Particularly without explicit agreement. The other aspect of this whole scenario that Mr Jones was very keen to point out to me was that she was “getting away” with giving physical attention in a way that was not usually acceptable for men to give simply because she is a woman. He was right of course. Women do get away with giving a whole bunch of physical attention to both men and women that simply would not be acceptable for a man to give. It is no surprise that men become frustrated and resentful when they see clearly demonstrated a double standard. 

What makes it even harder for men is that a lot of women will accept behaviour from a guy they find attractive that they will not accept from a guy that they don’t. Attractive guys don’t ask for permission before they touch any more than guys who aren’t attractive. Mostly they don’t have to deal with a slap accross the face as a rejection and so men who are less attractive but still perfectly nice find themselves wondering if it is worth daring to cross the minefield. The ones who are not so nice end up giving physical attention whenever and wherever they like because they are working on the premise that it is easier to ask for forgiveness than to seek permission. 

And we wonder where all the nice guys went? 

The swing scene is a little more clear with the touching with permission thing. All respectable clubs and parties have very clearly stated rules indicating that touching without permission is a no-no. But still people are people and the rules get bent. Especially with women. Since the incident with the arse slapping I have been more conscious of my tendency to get touchy freely with people and I take care to make sure I have consent before I touch anyone. It feels a bit weird to actually verbalise this but once you get used to it is not so bad. Most people appreciate the respect. It hasn’t changed other people’s idea of what is acceptable and what is not and I still find myself having to tell both men and women that my nipples are not there to be tweaked painfully even if they are on display. Some people just have no self control. 

I guess the reality is that we all have difficulty giving a clear and honest indication to others about what we do and don’t want and as a result a whole culture of game playing has evolved. Unfortunately because no one wants to explain the rules clearly there are no rules. 

Finding a Couple

Originally I started writing this blog to share the story of how Mr Jones and I got to where we are today. Somehow life happened and I got distracted but recently my thoughts have returned to that journey so you guys get to benefit from that. If you are new to these pages you can visit “The Journey to Here” to read through the posts that make up this story. 

The swing scene is full of couples looking for a unicorn, a single female who wants to play with a couple. They are commonly referred to as unicorns because for many people they are impossible to find. They do exist but they are incredibly choosy about their partners. Fortunately for Mr Jones and myself we started out looking for a couple and were saved all of that frustration. 
After our first experience we had quite a few discussions centring around fairness and opportunities. Mr Jones was adamant that our encounters be ‘equal opportunity’. For my part I was feeling constrained. I was like a child in a lolly shop wanting to taste and enjoy everything that I possibly could with reckless abandon. Mr Jones was like the stern adult worrying about the potential for cavities and upset stomachs. His shyness and lack of confidence about his age, his greying hair, his abilities and his general attractiveness made him reluctant to talk to people. On top of that he was relatively fussy. He explained many times to me; “I have you, why would I settle for less?” 

It is the ultimate compliment but at the time, like the child in the lolly shop, all I could see was the stick in the mud adult putting restraint on all the fun. 

As luck would have it on our third visit to CI, as it was affectionately known, we met a couple, Kurt and Renee, that we both found attractive. Driven by our recent conversations and also a desire to make my husband happy I paid scant attention to how I was feeling about Kurt and focussed on wether or not Mr Jones would find the Renee attractive. I really had no idea of what he was looking for other than he didn’t like women he considered fat. I am not going to go into the politics of body shape acceptance here just to say that if you are going to have sex with someone they need to be attractive. If larger than average is a turn off then that is how it is.

Despite my hesitations we found ourselves in a room with a closed door. We had been quite open about our lack of experience and they were extremely sensitive to our level of comfort. Both of them kept asking questions like; “Do you have a rule about kissing?”, “Do you do a full swap?” And so on and so forth. We felt like we were being bombarded, besides which, due to our lack of experience, we didn’t know the answers to a lot of their questions. 

In the end I halted the barrage by saying “Let’s just agree that if we don’t like something you do we will let you know OK?”. At the time We assumed that these guys were relatively experienced. It wasn’t until much later that a few things happened that made me wonder if this assumption had been incorrect. It didn’t stop us from having fun then and it ultimately made no difference to how things played out. It just amuses me to reflect on people and what makes them tick. 

After we agreed on my proposal everything went full steam ahead. There was kissing, licking, sucking of cocks and nudity. Unlike our first encounter it was more about exploring and trying different things than getting naked and jumping straight into fucking. Mr Jones in particular ticked some fantasy boxes both getting to witness his wife exploring another woman and also enjoying the feeling of fucking two women who were lying on top of each other. 

Sadly the popularity of the club meant that there was a limit on the amount of time a group could spend in a private room. We found ourselves dressing and returning to the bar with a feeling of only just beginning our adventure. There was a few moments of awkwardness and Kurt and Renee drew aside for a private whispered conversation. We were a little unsure of how to act and politely waited to see what would happen next. We were surprised and very pleased when they returned and Kurt curled his arm around me while he invited both of us to join them in their hotel. 

The whole night turned into a sex marathon that I had never even dreamed about. It seemed like erections would never go down, there would never be a time when any of us wanted to roll over and go to sleep and there were endless possibilities to explore. Mr Jones ticked several items off his Fucket list that night and for the first time since we had embarked on our adventure I didn’t feel restrained. Up until that time if you had asked me what my ideal man looked like I would have responded with slim, relatively hairless, tall with a nice ass. Kurt was nothing like this description apart from the tall aspect. He was a large man, not overweight exactly but definitely solid. I was completely entranced by his ability to engulf me both sexually and physically. 

For his part Mr Jones found Renee enticing and very very sexy. She was indeed rounder than he would normally have liked but her body was firm and toned. He learned a lesson on looking past first impressions. He also learned about the appeal of shoes. Renee loved her shoes and insisted on wearing a particular pair of six inch Pleasers while having sex. Up until that point shoes had not been something he had ever considered. Renee changed that attitude for ever more, much to my satisfaction. 

By the time we left their hotel and drove home the first rays of sunlight were beginning to show over the horizon. We felt like teenagers sneaking home well after curfew full of excitement with what we had just done. This was what we had been looking for. We felt affirmed this was definitely the right choice for us. We had found a place where we fitted in.