In a recent TMI Tuesday post I spoke about giving up an extra martial relationship as an example of a recent grand romantic gesture. It was something I had done in response to concerns Mr Jones was having about the direction our own relationship was travelling. Just to be clear he was aware of my interactions with this man and I was in no way having an “affair”of any kind.
Over the course of the twenty or so years that Mr Jones and I have been together sex has been a central feature of our interaction with each other in both a positive and sometimes very negative way. To the outside observer we are very physical with each other. We touch fondly in public and we have sex regularly. Much more regularly than a lot of married people I know. Even when we have been struggling with our relationship I don’t think we have ever gone more than a couple of weeks between drinks.
Where things become awkward and problematic is the wanting. I am much more submissive by nature than many people realise. If Mr Jones says ‘let’s do this’ then we do it. Without question, without me really considering what I want to do. This habit stems from a childhood with an over controlling parent whose skill in using guilt to manipulate the people around them was unsurpassed. This has created in me a compulsion to make people around me happy. As a friend once explained it; I have an extremely bad case of ‘disease to please’.
Long story short I want to please my husband, even at my own expense. I will and often do have sex when I don’t want to in a bid to avoid the guilt I feel when I say no to someone. Over s long period of time this eats away at your soul.
Recently I have started to assert myself. Partly because I have realised that I have to if I want to avoid becoming a complete basket case. Additionally I have realised that I need to learn to ask for what I want if my marriage is to survive past raising children. This is sometimes as simple as choosing what is on the television or saying that yes actually I do want you to make dinner tonight because I have marking to do and I don’t have time.
When it comes to sex things are more difficult. My chronic over thinking kicks in and I double guess myself by asking “Am I saying no because of habit or because I actually don’t want to?” Or worse “Am I convincing myself to say yes because I said no yesterday?” Crazy, crazy stuff. Maybe I need more help than I realise.
In a play relationship it is easy. There are no financial ties, there are no children, there are no mutual friends or relatives to explain things to if one or both of use decides things are not working. Consequently the sex is easy. There is no worry about what he will think if I don’t do it right. If I get bored or he leaves then, no biggie just move on.
Unfortunately this means I can hide a little from my feelings and avoid dealing with stuff. Putting aside other relationships forces me to focus on the person who has been standing in front of me for twenty years and deal with my demons. It forces me to really be honest with him about how I feel and what goes through my mind. Oddly I have delivered some of this information without feeling guilty later. I have given a clear description of what goes through my head without any feelings of remorse for the pain it may be causing Mr Jones.
It is liberating and confidence inspiring. I am not really afraid that he will leave me. Although I am sure some people reading this will ask “why the fuck not?” I also know that there needs to be some pain for true growth to happen. At the moment I am kicking goals in my life. I have been given some very good recognition of my talents and achievements at work. My colleagues are giving me great positive feedback and I feel like I am finally putting to rest some demons that have haunted me for many years, I feel like a worthy grown up person.
Mr Jones often says that one of the things that attracted him to me when we met was my confidence. Over the years some significant events occurred that took away that confidence and perhaps this contributed to what I have been writing about in this post. My achievements in my working life have started to correct this and I can feel the effects trickling into other parts of my life. Taking a break from pursuing and dating others is helping me to channel this in the right direction.
Things are looking very positive. I feel like I am more in control than ever. So watch this space.