The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday is “Relationship”. During the week I had a conversation with a a twitter friend that brought up some memories of a time when my own relationship was very strained.
Having small children is hard. No one will argue. I was more fortunate that many women. Being pregnant was ridiculously easy for me. Right from the first thought of “let’s have a baby” to the part in the delivery room when they gave me my babies to hold and nurse for the first time.
My children by and large have been pretty stock standard. No disabilities, no health issues, no learning problems. Just average run of the mill kids. But children are all consuming. The moment they come into being they take first place in your attention, always. At least that is how it was for me.
Which is where the problem started. Mr Jones was used to occupying that space. And while he was ok with not having perfect dinners and an immaculate house he was not really ok with not having as much or the kind of sex that he was used to. He married his fantasy girl and then he broke her by putting a baby in her I guess.
For many years, yes years we went around in this circle of him feeling unloved because I didn’t WANT to have all consuming sex with him and me feeling a whole range of emotions. Firstly guilt at not being able to make him happy, secondly frustration that my husband didn’t seem to relate to my struggles as a constantly tired person who was desperately trying to keep a career together as well as be the super mother and housewife.
There were many, many occasions when I tried my hardest to give him good sexual experiences. Sometimes I succeeded. Even more rarely I enjoyed myself. More often than not I was just left feeling like he had taken a piece of my soul. It was after those times that I then went on to feel even more guilty and unhappy with myself and to ask myself the question “Why can’t I just be a horny individual like everyone else?”
The damage to our sex relationship during those years was ridiculous. Both of us were permanently scarred. For many people reading this I am sure you are asking WTAF?? How did this confident, sex goddess come from that?
The answer, I have no clue. None. There was a cheating incident, by me not him, then there was a visit to a swing club and an incredible journey through a hidden, secret lifestyle. The journey itself was not always easy and there were some very wrong turns but it was our journey and we are still on it. In the end I don’t think swinging itself was the saviour, although it opened a lot of doors in my mind that had been closed. In the end I think it was more about the life lessons learned.
Things I know now that I wish I had known then;
If you want your partner to clean the kitchen / do the washing / buy you flowers then just ask them outright, explicitly. It is easier and you will get what you want.
You can’t do everything and be all things to all people without destroying your own soul. You will become a doormat if you try and no one gives a second thought to the mat as they wipe their feet on it.
Sex is fun. It is ok to enjoy it, no matter what your sexually repressed overly Catholic upbringing taught you. And if it isn’t then don’t fucking do it. No matter who your partner is or what their relationship is to you. Not enjoying sex will eat you up inside.
I don’t have the ultimate answer to the sex drive imbalance. Men I can’t tell you how to make your wife give you the sex you want. Ladies I can’t tell you how to get your man to give you sex that will make you happy. I don’t think anyone can solve someone else’s relationship problems. In the end you have to work it out for yourself.
Good lick (no that wasn’t a typo).
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