Swing clubs can be very daunting places. So many uncertainties. It is a completely different world where the normal rules you are used to don’t always apply. The rule about not being able to flirt with and hook up with people who are not single or your partner doesn’t apply. The rules about appropriate clothing do not apply. The rules about fucking in private do not apply. It is a place where alternate is the norm but sometimes, somehow mainstream can worm its way into your thinking and the way you act.

sheldon cooper

One of the things your mother tells you when you are a child learning how to socialise is “just be yourself.” That phrase is something that every child who doesn’t quite fit in learns to hate over time. Like Sheldon they go out into the world being loud and proud about themselves and they get beaten down. By those that are considered beautiful and ‘normal’ and ‘cool’. Just being yourself is not just about wearing what you like and doing the things you like. It is actually about being happy to be yourself and being confident that there are people who appreciate you, even if they are not in front of you at that moment. It takes a long time for some people to learn that being cool is not about wearing the right clothes, saying the right things or even about the people you hang out with. Truly cool people don’t care about being cool. They know what they are on about and they are happy with it. They aren’t overly concerned about people’s opinion of themselves because they are happy to go home with themselves at the end of the night.

These rules apply in triplicate at a swing club. Whatever the reason you are there, whatever you are looking for the number one thing to remember is, you are enough. Maybe not for the people who are there at the time but you are enough for yourself. This is a very hard thing to remember. When you are sitting there watching people who you think are more attractive than you, dressed more sexily than you feel, it is hard not to revert to that kid in the playground who nobody liked or who the other girls laughed at because your clothes were not quite right. Or who other people felt threatened by because you were smarter than them and you didn’t bother to hide it.

Recently I had an experience like that. Without realising I was feeling very negative about myself. I went out wearing the same clothes I normally do, I thought I was doing the same things I normally did but somehow people were not responding the same way. At one point I realised that something wasn’t right but this only made me feel worse about myself. I felt I wasn’t good enough and I had this self destructive need to prove my worth by finding a man to have sex with. Even though it wasn’t the man I was with. I did find someone, you always can it is just a question of standards really, The sex was OK and he was not a bad or even ugly guy but the experience stayed with me for days. It ate at me. I knew it meant that I had to step back.

Flash forward to several weeks later. I am back in the same space with a better outlook. As things are in this world I had a much better night. I met a guy who was very sexy and he, Mr Jones and I enjoyed a good hour and a half of fun together. I was feeling spoiled and frankly quite lucky to be alive. I noticed a couple who I had seen earlier in the night. They were new to the venue and I had noticed they didn’t seem quite at ease. They were older and their appearance was a little unconventional. When I had encountered them earlier it had seemed as if Mr had needed a bit of dutch courage and was under the influence. She was clearly looking for a woman and was a bit hands on. It made me avoid them. That, and the man who I had set my sights on.

Now with that itch scratched I let my good nature take over and I went to speak to them. She was still keen to get naked with me. I could feel her frustration and hurt. I didn’t want to add to it but I also didn’t want to have sex with her. As gently as I could I told her that I wasn’t looking for a girl. She made some comment about how she felt judged and not the right kind of attractive. In all honesty she was right. The people there right then were not the kind of people who would be into her. But how could I explain to her and at the same time reassure her that she was enough?

I tried. Mr Jones told me later that I couldn’t have done any thing else. He re-affirmed that I did everything I could. It wasn’t enough. She wasn’t ready or able to listen. Things went really south when I noticed her husband wearing a cock ring. (We made a stupid childish pact to be naked together in a non-sexual way.) I wanted to ask him about it because of my recent experiences with The I.T. Guy Besides, in my world, penis will almost ALWAYS trump vagina. My new friend(?) reacted badly. Everything became really awkward and I found myself picking up my clothes and retreating to a safe corner. There were angry words coming from a place of hurt and my cock ring wearing friend decided it was time to take his wife home.

I was dissapointed for them. They had gone out on a limb in search of a fantasy and it had ended badly. I know I am the kind of person who will reflect on an event like that and try to take away lessons to apply. I am not sure about these two. I genuinely hope that she finds what she is searching for and that her visit to the small window on the world of alternate sexuality that is a swingers club did not scar her too deeply.

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