I saw a post on Twitter recently from a man who is interested in the nudist lifestyle asking how he can convince his wife to join him at a nudist event. I have heard this question asked in the same way but exchanging the concept of nudism and swinging.
“How can I convince my wife to try swinging? I know she would enjoy it if she would just give it a go.”
I have no answer for this. The nurturing part of me wants to be all encouraging and supportive and talk about encouraging her to try slightly different things. But the response to the above tweet resounded very strongly with me. In essence the respondent said “It is her choice. She is the only one who can decide what she wants.”
When it comes to trying swinging I would say the same thing. It is her choice. If she doesn’t want to do something, who are you to pressure her into something she doesn’t want to do? I find it hard to understand why people get so fixated on convincing their partner to try something they are fundamentally opposed to. Or something they have made very clear they are not comfortable with.
The cynic in me looks at this situation and sees a very selfish person. I see a person who has a fantasy and has decided they can’t live without it despite what their partner wants. They have convinced themselves that they are right and that their wife will enjoy it if she just gives it a try. It seems that these men are not really thinking with their “big brain” but rather with their penis that wants to experience swinging. I would not speculate on their reasons for wanting to explore this fantasy but the cynic in me feels that his reasons are not about seeing his wife have a great time at the hands of multiple other men but rather about his own pleasure.
I have been in the lifestyle for long enough to know that every relationship is different and every situation has nuances that cannot be seen from observation of a few tweets or even in depth conversations. There are at least three sides to every story. One for each of the parties involved and then the actual events. I have also been in the lifestyle long enough that only those with rock solid relationships that are built on solid communication and mutual respect have a good, long lived experience.
My experience tells me that if these men were able to convince their wife to “give it a go” it is unlikely that things will turn out they way they expect. Their wife may very well enjoy the experience but what if they don’t? What if she enjoys it so much that she is completely hooked and will never go back to monogamy but you wish that you had never opened Pandora’s box? Or worse, what if she realises that she has been missing out all this time and then you become like many men in the swing scene, sitting in the corner at the beck and call of the women in the room?
There is a saying, “You should be careful what you wish for. You might end up getting your wish.”
I think that should be the standard response to this question. Wishing for something your partner is not interested in is counter productive. When you find yourself in this situation you really have two choices;
1. Accept her decision, respect it and get on with your life and your marriage.
2. Accept her decision and continue to pursue your fantasy, either by ending the relationship or behind her back. Either way your relationship is doomed. Even if you do wear her down and she agrees it is unlikely to end well. If you cheat she will find out and things will not end well. Ultimately you have to accept and respect her decision.