Vanilla is as Vanilla Does

During last week’s TMI Tuesday there was some discussion about the amount of sexual content in the blog. Many of the people I interact with from there feel the same way as I do. We like the way it is and we are happy with the way our blogs are. We don’t feel the need to turn the sex down or, conversely, pressure to be sexual all the time.

It did get me to thinking about the way the minds of some people work. Urban Dictionary defines Vanilla as: Unexciting, normal, conventional and boring. In my vernacular I interpret this as people who are not sexually open. Vanillas are a strange bunch. A lot of them like to TALK about sex and get some kind of thrill out of thinking about radical sexual ideas but most of them wouldn’t act out their fantasies in public or follow up on attractions to people not deemed as their partners.

Sometimes they get brave enough to dip their toe into waters that take them past their sexual boundaries. Perhaps they will participate in a meme like TMI Tuesday or perhaps they will get very brave and visit a swing club or a fetish party. Sometimes they find that being in this environment is not how they thought it would be and they start having fun, despite themselves. Sometimes they come over to the dark side and they will never be vanilla again.

Sometimes though they find themselves reverting to their vanilla ways. Most of the time they act like adults and they retreat back to their regular haunts with their regular friends and they never speak of their adventures. Sometimes though they want to keep the little bit of kink in their lives so they try and convince the people in the kink world to turn it down a little bit for them. They make suggestions like, “lets just chat” or “Why does everything have to be about sex” or “maybe we should have a space where nudity is restricted” little by little they try to change the space they are in until it resembles their regular haunts with the sexy stuff just behind the door.

What they don’t get is that the thing that makes these spaces so sexy is the freedom. That being vanilla is all about rules and conventions. It is about worrying what other people think of you. It is about acting a certain way because someone said it is the way to act. When you put vanilla aside the only rules are respect and honesty. Everything else is on the table.

Putting vanilla aside gives a person the freedom to be who they are at all times. If they are sexy today they are sexy, if they feel like sharing cake recipes then they seek out friends to do that with. What Non-Vanilla people don’t do is ask other Non-Vanillas, or Vanillas for that matter, to conform to what they are looking for. It is about consent and respect. When you visit my blog the same rules apply. You will get sexy most of the time because that is the most interesting thing TO ME. Some days I will share things about teaching and some days just general rants. I probably won’t share my recipes here. Or my holiday snaps. If I feel the need to do that I will make a new space. Where unsuspecting people don’t get ambushed (or surprised by my bush!) because I am a respectful adult.

I don’t own TMI Tuesday and so my opinion on what the questions should be about has little impact. All I can say is if it does go off on a more Vanilla direction it is likely I will lose interest. I will be sad because I have enjoyed being part of the juggernaut for so long but I am honestly not interested in being part of something that is designed and run by a bunch of Karens.

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Wife, swinger, blogger. An ordinary woman living life one day at a time dealing with the complications of moonlighting as a sex goddess.

14 thoughts on “Vanilla is as Vanilla Does”

  1. I rarely read TMI Tuesdays. I participated a few times long ago, then thought it had become kind of silly. I do find your answers interesting and humorous, Mrs J, so I read yours. As I recall when it started, and I could be wrong, but it was more about sex and for sex bloggers. So, if there is a big hullabaloo about content now, maybe there should be more sex questions, the Oct 27th one was completely ‘vanilla’ in content.


  2. I am not sure if I read the original post so I might not have the whole picture.

    I just think that when it comes to sex, I don’t think people should feel compelled to do anything just for the sake of it, for the sake of being in a club, or having a label. I think sex is connected to who we are as individuals and how we feel about the person we are with. So I don’t believe in “boxes”. I don’t believe in vanilla boxes or non-vanilla boxes. I think sex is a language that partners develop between themselves and what is meaningful and enjoyable to them is great for them. I love sex, and foreplay, I love some kinks and fetishes, but not every single kink out there – no way. I wouldn’t agree to do something just for the sake of calling myself out of the box.

    I find it interesting to read about other people’s view of sex and kinks, but sometimes I struggle to understand the appeal or the psychology behind them. I just tend to hold my tongue because I don’t want to know what they do, anymore than I would anyone to call Ben and me freaks because we like roleplay…and other stuff.

    But we are humans. We have all sorts of emotions and 2020 is playing games with the minds of many people. So I am happy for people to just be themselves and to be honest about whether they are feeling like dressing up in latex and flogging their partner….or just cuddling up on the sofa and enjoying comfort and emotional support. I think that every aspect of intimacy is important to who we are as humans and why we want to share physical and sexual contact with someone else.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I completely agree. I think you have more bravery than I do with some of your photos but asides that, I think you’re fine. I write about kinky sex and food because those are my passions and interests, I’m a very sensual person and I’m not about to change me to suit anyone else. I personally don’t have an issue sharing my life with my readers, at least to an extent, but then I know that not everyone feels the same way and I completely understand that. At the end of the day, your readers have two choices, stick around and keep reading, or unfollow and swan off. Don’t let the haters bring you down.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Agree 100% on this post and your views. Although my wife and I would be considered vanilla in the lifestyle world, we like seeing how others enjoy their time and enjoy being around others who at least enjoy sex and don’t speak of it in hushed whispers. There is plenty of space for sexless space on the internet. I never understood why people come someplace new and try to change it to fit their agenda and comfort level. That is all too common these days in many areas. I admit, I originally posted a pic at the end of my TMI post of the wife hands on me, but deleted the pic when I read your post here. You are right, I don’t want to offend anyone so I will save it for another post down the road. Appreciate your insight and great questions for TMI Tuesday.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The questions are becoming less sexual and more mainstream and this seems to be suiting most of the participants so maybe it is time to start something new.


      1. You along with any sexy or sexual bloggers are welcome to submit questions, themes, ideas, as you have done in the past.

        If any one looks back over TMI Tuesday you can see it always had “mainstream” themes and sexually oriented themes. I believe some people are just looking at a snapshot in time and casting that over the whole–vanillas and sex bloggers. Those of you who have been around for a while know that I used to have question submission from recusen, heelsnstocking, and many other sex bloggers. I have been producing TMI Tuesdays for 10 years (started on my own personal blog in 2010). For about four years now it has just been me, Hedone, crafting the content. It may seem easy but when you have a life outside of blogging it is not so easy to come up with content.

        The point of TMI Tuesday when it started (2010) was to give us community of sex bloggers a way to keep posting on our blogs, to get over “writer’s block”, to glean ideas for content when you felt you were void of creativity or something to say. Back then some people just answered the questions, many took one question and elaborated on the subject of that one question and created a full blown post, others were quite artistic and wrote long sexy narratives, and others answered questions with photos (I did that a lot, it was fun).

        Bloggers can participate, in TMI Tuesday, when and if they see fit. It cannot be everything to everyone all the time. I am happy to have read people’s thoughts here on this page, thank you for your opinions.



  5. Gemma, I enjoy your blog. It is has nice variety. No one is all sex all the time. Just like TMI Tuesday blog is not all sex all the time. I appreciate your help, your participation, and your thoughtfulness.


    Fantastic post.

    “little by little they try to change the space they are in until it resembles their regular haunts with the sexy stuff just behind the door.”

    “What Non-Vanilla people don’t do is ask other Non-Vanillas, or Vanillas for that matter, to conform to what they are looking for.:

    *mic drop*



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