My Ironically Monogamous Brain

I wrote a post a while back about my biological theory relating to the behaviour and fascination with Alpha males. In it I espoused my theory about the reasons why women are so strongly attracted to Alpha Males even though many of them are quite toxic to be around for any length of time.

I believe that the idea of monogamy was something invented by weaker men who wanted to ensure that they could capture a female and keep her at his beck and call for as long as he liked. Mr Jones and I are currently watching the Netflix series The Tudors.

In this drama based on the events during the reign of King Henry VII n overwhelming amount of thought is given by the characters to which women will marry which men. In this society marriage is many things, a political tool, a strategic maneuver and a way to beget offspring that will inherit. Women’s value is placed on their attractiveness and their ability to bear children, particularly male children. Their purity is also of key importance. They must appear to only have sex with one man or their value is completely lost and they will never be able to secure a good marriage.

It is out of this mess of religious influence over political thought that our modern ideas of monogamy emerged. Today marriage does not have the same strategic value it once did and male heirs are definitely a thing of the past, Gina Reinhart is an amazing Australian example of this. But we cling to our ideal of monogamy. Even in a relationship that shuns the idea of formal marriage and religious ideas of purity until marriage we still cling desperately to monogamy.

I never really understood completely how deeply and firmly monogamy is entrenched into our psyche until I had a lightbulb moment while reading a message from a follower. In it he describes his experience with a woman he is seeing outside his marriage. It is his first experience of non-monogamy, so to speak. What grabbed my attention was his mention of how he felt uncomfortable with his new lover’s openness about other men she was seeing.

His words struck a chord in my brain. I too feel this way sometimes. It is a little confronting when a lover shares some details of other lovers during conversation. When a man I am seeing is not available to me because he has other commitments I get a little jealous.

Which is weird really. I mean I am going home to my husband after I finish with them aren’t I? They would be foolish to think that they are the only extramarital dalliance I have entertained. They just have to go on a scroll through these pages. So who am I to think I am the only person who takes up their attention? It is ironic, stupid and evidence of the deep rooted ideas that are planted in everyone’s brain by Disney and the likes.

Every woman wants to be a princess and the complete apple of some man’s eye. Every man wants to be the knight in shining armour who captures the heart and undying devotion of the woman he chooses. I mean even Fifty Shades of Grey follows this formula. And so even when I am with someone outside of my marriage. When I am fucking Lancelot with the full knowledge of King Arthur, so to speak, I feel jealous because Lancelot also spends time with Jenny the chambermaid.

The non-monogamist in me is strongly cynical of this kind of ideal. It grates against my conscious mind. My mind knows it is dumb. My heart is still wanting to be the complete focus of the man in front of me. My ego cannot completely cope with not being the complete focus of the man in front of me. It seems it will take some time to catch the heart and the ego up with my enlightened mind.

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Wife, swinger, blogger. An ordinary woman living life one day at a time dealing with the complications of moonlighting as a sex goddess.

9 thoughts on “My Ironically Monogamous Brain”

  1. This is the beginning of what could be such a long conversation. I am reading Dan Savage’s American Savage right now and he talks a lot about ethical non-monogamy and the like…very interesting.

    I don’t have a religious bone in my body but I know many friends who do and are driven to live a life they believe is chosen for them by some entity beyond their control. But they submit to this entity’s expectations because they believe in it…

    It’s all very interesting. The internet has opened up the conversation about this, and related topics that is going to make life very different for the next few generations. 🙂


  2. Interesting thoughts for sure. I’ve dipped a toe in non-monogamy and really, the utmost important thing for me is honesty and communication. If you tell someone that they are important to you, don’t then go off radar on them six weeks later for your new beau, everyone deserves that level of respect to know where they stand and when it’s time to say goodbye. I’ve always ascertained that I am “polyish”. I fall in love in the blink of an eye and I don’t see how we should or can love just one person. eternally and forever. Feelings are so fleeting and multifaceted that it is possible to “fall in love” with eight or nine different people at the same time, and all for entirely different reasons.

    When it comes to monogamy, have you ever heard of “falling out of love”? It’s something we do and it is one of the unfortunate parts of monogamous relationships. When my husband lost a tooth on a baguette, I fell out of love with him for a few days then because I was missing his old dashing smile. When he chewed our Donald Trump but failed to give me anything I hadn’t heard before, I fell out of love with him then because he was giving me what he’d read on Reddit, rather than his own thoughts. Fortunately, just as quickly as we fall out of love with someone, we can often fall back in it.

    In the time that I loved three different men, I loved my husband for being that sense of comfort and safety and for making me laugh, a Dominant man for the way that he could get into my mind like no other could and my friend Bill because we can have honest, deep and meaningful conversations that I struggle to find anywhere else. I do think that monogamy stems from insecurity and I do find that tragic, because as I always say of relationships, if you haven’t got trust, you haven’t got anything. Polygamy can be such a enriching and fulfilling experience that everyone should experience but it does only take the insecurities of one person to bring it all crashing back down.


  3. You are so right about monogamy being so deep in our psyche, that we have difficulties seeing past it. I too believe monogamy is not for us, that we can’t always be with the same person, as we all change and evolve throughout our lives, and can grow apart. I like the way Master T and I have filled in our life… together, but with some nice experiences outside our marriage 🙂
    ~ Marie

    Liked by 1 person

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