My friend Mike over at Marriage Sex and More often writes about his journey through changing his approach to his sex life. This journey has taken him from being a classic “blue pill” thinker to more of a “red pill” guy. The resulting change in attitude and confidence has resulted in a complete 180 degree turn around in many areas of his life in particular his marriage. As a woman I find his ideas a little confronting. As a wife I find myself nodding along. For men who are in marriages that are sexless and unsatisfactory what he has to say is invaluable. Confronting but invaluable.
Mike’s idea of “Blue pill” vs “Red pill” thinking is interesting. In his view “blue pill” thinking is taking on pressures placed on men, often by feminists, to be more sensitive and to suppress men’s tendencies to be strong, and in some ways dominating. A blue pill guy is married to the system, does every thing he can to meet his wife’s demands, all the while complaining that he never gets enough sex and that women are bitches. Mike’s reformation came about when he refused to be the sensitive new age guy type and became a “Red pill” thinker. Strong, happy with himself and more in control of his life. I have summarised here, you really need to read the way he explains it.
As I read a recent post summarising the changes in his approach and his wife’s approach to oral sex many things resonated with me. I come across men every day in the world of the internet who are dealing with being sexually repressed in one way or another. All of them will complain at length about their wives not being on board with their sexual fantasies. All of them tell me that they are keen to be amazing in bed, that they love licking pussy, that they have endless stamina yada yada.
While I have not tested them all I have enough experience to tell you that
to me, to their wives, to themselves.
When it comes to licking pussy most men are, well, pussies. They will do it for a short while as a means to get to the main course. Once they have ticked the box, they don’t go back. They don’t listen to subtle direction, they don’t assess how their partner is responding and they don’t give the impression that they are actually enjoying it. When it comes to the main course, again it is all about them hitting their goals. Stamina is relative. For some five minutes is a long time to have sex. And yes it can be a long time if you are fucking someone who is using you as a place to shove their dick.
It is a generalisation but many of the men I encounter who are using a poor sex life as an excuse for cheating have one thing in common. They do not take responsibility for their problem. They see themselves as a victim. Blue pill thinking. Everything in their life is someone else’s fault. Mostly their wife’s. This goes further to them thinking they are owed something. That the other women they are seeking are going to just fit with their fantasies, ideas and availability. In short, she is going to supply him with everything he wants that he is not getting now. Because, of course, if one woman is refusing to comply she is definitely the one with the problem.
A casual read of Mike’s posts might lead a man to think that paying scant attention to what his woman wants is all part of the Red Pill mentality. That to be a Red pill man all you have to do is focus on demanding what you want and it will come along. There is no such thing as a free lunch. Just demanding what you want in a loud voice is the kind of thing a two year old does. If his parent is doing their job they will promptly remind their entitled child that life is not about waiting for your privileges to fall from the sky it is about EARNING them. The focus is not on what you WANT but what you ARE.
Instead of complaining that your wife is not attracted to you how about considering making yourself more attractive to her? There have been times when I have had to look at myself. I fell in the blue pill rabbit hole and felt that Mr Jones was not doing it for me. A good hard look in the mirror told me I was also not doing it for HIM. It has taken time and much trial and error but these days I have a reasonably good idea of what does it for him (I think). The question is mostly not what to do but motivating myself to make the effort. Because it does take effort.
Mr Jones often talks about the cycle of not being attractive. How one partner’s inadequacy feeds the inadequacy of the other and around and around it spirals. His idea is correct. Breaking the cycle is hard. It takes one partner to go out on a limb. Of course if the other doesn’t follow then you are possibly flogging a dead horse. It is just a question of how long you want the limb to be and if they don’t follow do you go back to where you were or move on?
At the end of the day marriage is not a free ride. There is never a time to coast and there is never a time to lie back and be worshipped as a perfect specimen of a spouse. Good relationships take work. Sometimes the rewards are not instant. Sometimes the rewards are not exactly what you wanted. But do you honestly want to be a victim at the mercy of other people? Is that really what you want?