At the start of the year I began working my way through Thirty Dirty Questions from the pages of Brigit Delaney. Along the way I have been joined by Rebel from Rebel’s Notes and Mike from Marriage Sex and More.
Do you have trust issues surrounding sex or your sexual relationships?
Mr Jones and I are swingers. We have been swingers for an extended period of time. Ever since the beginning open communication has been a cornerstone of the way that we live this lifestyle. I don’t consider myself to be an expert on all things non-monogamous but I do consider us to be fairly successful in our lifestyle. If anyone starting out in this lifestyle were to ask me for my number one tip it would be to always be honest and listen when your partner is being vulnerable.
When your spouse is having sex with another person there has to be trust. It is irrelevant if they are only engaging in foreplay, they are only having sex in the same room as you or they are off having date nights without you being present. If there isn’t going to be strain and conflict in your relationship there has to be trust. Without trust jealousy is inevitable. And if there is a sure fire way to invite the green eyed monster in to cause havoc in your relationship then not communicating and creating trust is it.
Communicating about this kind of thing is not easy. It feels weird. It is hard to overcome years of social conditioning and popular culture that doesn’t support unconventional relationships. It is hard to overcome pre-concieved ideas that you or your partner may have. The first time you have to talk about something that is happening that you are uncomfortable about can be terrifying. And awkward and just plain weird. It gets easier as you become more comfortable with yourself and where you are at. Trust can only be built on honesty.
I would say that we definitely have done the hard yards and built trust based on this commitment to honesty. Between us there is a lot of trust that can be evidenced in Mr Jones’ confidence that I will be safe when I venture out to meet new people alone. His readiness to agree to adventures that I propose and his confidence that I will hold back when he feels that I need to or if he needs me to.
With my extra martial relationships things can be somewhat transactional. When seeking a partner there are always conversations about what each party is interested in and looking for. There is always a discussion about boundaries and rules that may be in place with primary partners. If you are new to this kind of lifestyle and you are seeing other people without these conversations things are likely to get really messy really quickly. There are many men, and probably women as well, who hang around the swing scene without the knowledge or consent of their partner. The reasons that they do this kind of thing vary from person to person. I do not judge them for choosing this path.
However I am not going to jump into bed with a man who admits he is cheating on his partner. If he is going to lie to the person he has committed to for his entire life then he absolutely will lie to me without a second thought. He will be unreliable and lie about it. He will ask to do things that are not safe and then lie about it. He may (and I have had this happen) ask me to pretend to be some kind of work contact should she ever answer the phone when I call. Essentially lying for him. I can never trust him entirely. And so I will not enter into an arrangement with a man who is cheating. Of course if he lies and doesn’t tell me about his wife / fiancé / girlfriend then that is on him. As soon as I catch him in the lie out the door he goes. There is no substitute for honesty.