I have been struggling to write anything of late. My new job is a much longer commute and it is taking it out of me a bit. I used to get a solid hour of quiet time in the mornings but now I am struggling to get in 30 minutes. The routine will come. It hasn’t been a full term yet. Until then things are going to be sporadic.
When and how did you lose your virginity, and how did you feel about it? How do you feel about it now?
I lost my virginity when I was 17. I had moved out of home to attend university and for some reason I was on a mission to get sexually active. At the time I did not realise but what was happening was the classic reaction of a young person who has been restricted by parents and the education system. With the first taste of freedom they go a little crazy. Perhaps as an indicator of my future sexual antics were my particular jam.
I gave my virginity to a mature age student in my university course. He was about 23 and was busily working his way through all the impressionable 17 and 18 year olds in our course. We all thought he was incredibly good looking, he wasn’t, We all thought he was worldly and grown up. But honestly he was a complete fake. No fixed career and not a lot to show for the five years he had been working since he left high school. No tales of travel, no fixed address and a beat up car. He supposedly had a girlfriend who none of us ever met and who, according to him was more of an on again off again thing.
I found myself in his flat one afternoon and there we were naked. From memory he was reasonably well endowed and I remember making him wear a condom. I didn’t tell him I was a virgin until afterwards. He was concerned about that and I remember him apologising to me and admonishing me for not telling him. Honestly I don’t think it would have made a difference. But there it was.
I was not ashamed of what had happened and wasted little time letting people know. Maybe I thought it would make me more popular. It didn’t. It certainly didn’t secure him, even temporarily. I guess I wasn’t his type because he moved on straight away. He then proceeded on his mission of fucking as many impressionable young girls as possible. One particularly memorable time he fucked my friend while I was in the room and not involved. Maybe he thought it would trigger a threesome. I was too socially awkward to know what to do other than pretend I couldn’t hear them and steadfastly concentrate on the Maths we were all supposed to be studying.
For the record. I failed that exam and she got pregnant. Not a great outcome for either of us. At least I didn’t end up with that gift. Looking back I don’t regret what happened as much as I regret being so immature and impulsive. I regret what was the beginning of a lifelong mind habit of thinking my most important value is in being sexual. I wish I had more people in my life then, and now, who celebrated my other talents and gave me a different focus. Perhaps then I would have ‘saved myself’ for someone who appreciated me, the person, a bit more and who wouldn’t cast me aside like a takeaway container after the meal is hastily consumed. It may have saved me later heartache and given me the confidence to make better relationship choices.
If wishes were horses then beggars would ride.