In my last two Thirty Dirty Questions Posts I have talked a little about my repressed upbringing and the long term effects that had on how I felt about my sexuality, my body and myself in general. What I hadn’t realised until a few days ago was that something else that has been bothering me is also linked to this ingrained guilt.
For the last little while I have been extremely self conscious about my “number”. When I think about the number of people I have fucked it makes me feel a number of negative things. Things like shame and guilt. Whenever people ask me how long I have been in the lifestyle this shame surfaces and I am reluctant to share an accurate figure or divulge exactly how active I have been. Which many people in my world think is a little odd. Most other women like myself have a similar number. Those I meet who are just starting out are often admiring of the way I have embraced my sexuality and feel so comfortable talking about what I do and don’t want.
A few days ago I was chatting at a gathering with a woman who has a similar longevity in the swing scene as myself. I didn’t ask about her number. I doubt that she really counted and she is definitely not concerned about it. What I realised during the course of the conversation is that this weirdness about my number was linked to the whole Catholic guilt thing. Strange how things from your past that you thought you had left behind can reach their long fingers into your present and push your buttons all over again.
Now that I have had that realisation I am better equipped to deal with it I guess. Although like all things in your head dealing with it is not just a case of telling it to go away. At least it is a step in the right direction.
Corrupting Mrs Jones 
When I met my wife 43 years ago, she told me how many men she had had sex with. It must have been around 200. Since then, with me and with her, the word slut, a term of honor.
I love it when a woman makes herself completely free of any shame.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can’t remember how many people I’ve had sex with but it’s a lot and both men and women. Shameful? I’ve been told that it is but I will never feel any shame for anything that I want to do and I’ll never let anyone shame me and would suggest to them that they might want to try getting laid more often and don’t worry about what I’m doing.
Pisses me off how so many women get slut shamed and right out of the gate and it’s not just Catholic guilt since all religions want to tell you who you can have sex with and under which conditions to have it and, nope, I know I wasn’t feeling that but I have had to deal with so many women who’ve been mindfucked into believing that they shouldn’t enjoy having all the sex they want.
Methinks that if one is going to be worried about a number, it should be the number of times they haven’t gotten laid when they could have.
LikeLiked by 1 person