TMI Tuesday – Post Christmas Limbo

1. Would you rather live in a real haunted house or a gingerbread house?

In the story Hansel and Gretel manage to overpower the witch to escape. Plus who wouldn’t love to live in a house that is that tasty.

2. One practical use for your belly button is _____ .

Photo by Shoeb Khatib on Unsplash

As a shot glass. Having a very sexy cuban drinking cuban rum from my belly button was one of the sexiest things I have done.

3. Do you trust birds? If not, why not?

Our house is a place where birds seem to come when they have no home or have been rejected from their home. My rainbow lorikeet was re-homed with us when his original owner could no longer keep him. We have several chickens and geese that also came to us because their previous owners were not able to keep them. The most recent resident in our house is a darling little blue budgie who flew into our yard being attacked by other wild birds. Despite our efforts we could not find his owners. He has repaid our kindness by singing his little heart out every morning.

4. What’s wrong with you?

Way back when I turned 40 I was diagnosed with hypertension. At the time I felt cheated by my body and by the passing of time. A few months after my 50th birthday I was diagnosed with osteo arthritis, another disease of old age.

5. Would you rather be a millionaire but NOT have friends or family or be broke but have friends and family?

This seems like such a cliche choice. As much as I find people draining and sometimes downright annoying I would rather have special people than money.

The Best Christmas Present

My favourite story of the last week is of a friend who was out for an evening at the theatre with her daughter and a long term family friend. The family friend was a middle aged lady who was always very properly dressed and made up and was the kind of person who always encouraged proper manners. As my friend navigated the car park she managed to snag a parking space right next to the elevators. To the astonishment of my friend and her daughter the very proper lady they had known for many years turned to my friend and said,

“Fucking awesome park Mandy!”

She then proceeded to get out of the car as if nothing unusual had happened. My friend and her daughter took a while to digest this and followed suit. To this day whenever they are together and they get a great parking space Mandy’s daughter will say “fucking awesome park Mandy!”

It seems that the lady had a realisation in her mid life that she just really loved saying fuck. She told my friend that it had become one of her favourite words. She loved the way it seemed to roll off her tongue. No doubt she also loved the look on people’s faces when she said it.

Fuck is a word I have been familiar with most of my life. I grew up on a farm. My brothers and I learned very early on that some words were OK for outside but not inside. Consequently I have learned to regulate my use of this word to suitable audiences. Interestingly the school where I currently work is less precious about the use of this word. Tradesmen use it a lot so we accept that Young People studying to be tradesmen are going to use it as well. I probably say it more often than most of the other teachers but honestly if I am going to listen to other people saying it all day then it is going to be coming out of my mouth. And like Mandy’s friend it just rolls of my tongue.

Clearly #1 Son thinks I like it because he saw this cushion at a market and decided he needed to buy it as a Christmas present for me. My mother did not really approve but she can go fuck herself.

Morning Conversations

Photo by Sara Cervera on Unsplash

My morning started with a rant about my local Catholic Parishes seeming reluctance to post their Christmas Mass times on their website. Instead inviting people to call their office for times. The Unicorn joined in with a rant about Gen Z and their typical reluctance to actually speak to humans on the phone or in general. Not sure what THAT says about the future of humanity!!

Somehow the conversation went on a tangent to the inability of many people to engage on dating apps most notably their photos. She made the comment that while older people can be excused from not taking great photos of themselves for these things because they didn’t grow up with camera phones. Millenials and Gen Z people really have no excuse. She did admit that what it really comes down to is effort. Bad photos = low effort.

I made the observation that single people are single for a reason. As a single person she took offence until I pointed out that the reasons vary from person to person and for some it is about choice and that isn’t a bad thing. The interaction resonated with me because swingers by nature date. We date in a lot of different ways, some of us use apps, some meet at parties and clubs, some through social media and some through friends. The common thread here is that, like most singles we are looking for connections with people who think the same way as us. Unlike most singles we aren’t looking for a life partner but we are all looking for someone.

A common feature of all of these “methods” of meeting people is that there are almost always more men than women. These men are, as a rule, looking for a woman. Interestingly, and this is different from the vanilla singles scene, the women are more often than not also looking for a woman. You can see the problem here right? A lot of the issues that I have heard The Unicorn and other single friends complain about are present in the swinging dating world. People with shitty or inaccurate profile photos / information. People who don’t communicate well with messages. People who ghost or stand you up. It all happens to swingers as much as regular people. I am constantly told by men about how hard it is to find people.

Which gets me back to the reason(s). Vanillas are single for a plethora of reasons; too picky, too lazy, looking at the wrong people, accepting treatment that leads to failure, don’t actually want to be attached. Swingers struggle to find people for sometimes similar reasons; too picky, not picky enough, don’t put in the effort to talk to people, aren’t approachable, or one of the key reasons, not reasonable about what they can actually access. Women in the swinging world could be forgiven for thinking they hold all the power. Some of us think this means we can hold out for the perfect man / woman. What we often don’t consider is that perfect women are going to act like fucking queens. Perfect men are not far behind them.

And so we hit upon the crux of the problem. Everyone is looking for someone as long as that someone is putting in more effort than them to look good and be sexy. Everyone is looking for someone as long as they don’t have to work too hard to get them and everyone is looking for someone who is going to give them exactly what they want without compromise or tit for tat. I haven’t been single and dating in the current Vanilla climate but from what I have observed this is a universal attitude of most people. Whilst The Unicorn was placated by my statements that sometimes the reason is a positive choice, I am not stupid enough to pretend that she has her shit together enough that she doesn’t have to consider her approach and the way she deals with people. But my overriding approach to parenting is that where you give the kid some advice and then enough space to try something, followed by dealing with the fallout.

And so she went on her merry way. I went on mine. But as I am learning just because your child is no longer a teenager it does not mean their life is not necessarily devoid of teen-like drama.

TMI Tuesday – Ghosts of Christmas

1. Would you rather work on Christmas day and earn 4 times your daily salary or spend the day with your family?

For a large part of my working life I worked in the food manufacturing industry. Not surprisingly Christmas is a dominating factor in almost every type of food manufacture. For some reason people think they need to purchase a ridiculous amount of food and stores think that factories can just double their production over night. The flip side of this is that in the days following Christmas people realise that they have more food than they need and stores stop stocking most products, consequently expecting manufacturers to turn off the production tap just as quickly as it was turned on.

This phenomenon is OK if you make a product that has a long shelf life like biscuits or pasta but if your business is anything to do with fresh produce it is hell on legs. Any farmer will laugh at you if you suggest to get cows to increase production overnight or chickens to lay an extra egg or two just for the month of December. Just as they will laugh at you if you ask them to turn their production off on the 26 December.

So would I work on Christmas for four times my salary? There has been times when I had to and I certainly didn’t get paid four times my salary. I am certain all the doctors and nurses in hospitals all around the world also don’t get that choice.

2. Would you rather spend a snowy day outside playing winter games/sports or spend a snowy day inside with your most annoying relative?

As I explained in my last TMI post snow is a once in a lifetime experience for the vast majority of Australians. Unless you are into skiing and even then you wouldn’t be skiing every year. So my annoying relative can go to hell. I am making snow angels and snow men.

3. For the month of December would you rather sing jingle bells really loud every time you enter a room or wear a Santa suit every day?

I love getting into the Christmas Spirit by wearing a really crappy Christmas T-shirt. I actually own several, along with a selection of Christmas earrings, headwear and a few Christmas print dresses. So Santa suit please, although there better be air conditioning.

4. Would you rather choose your presents or be surprised?

The IDEA of being surprised is appealing but of course in that fantasy the giver of the gift has great insight and gives a gift that is perfect. The reality is slightly different. As a person who is extremely conscious of the amount of STUFF we humans seem to accumulate I would rather receive a gift I have a use for.

5. Would you rather be Scrooge before he meets the ghost of Christmas or be the Grinch before becoming good?

I would rather be Scrooge. Even though he was a grumpy old man who would’t let his employees have a day off he didn’t actively try to sabotage the whole day. Today I am dealing with a bit of joint pain and I am feeling a bit like Scrooge.

Bonus: Everyone loves boobies

I have probably posted this before but who doesn’t love a pair of novelty Christmas nipple hats.

Friday Flashback – Nice Girls

Photo by Roksolana Zasiadko on Unsplash

She sits across from the table. Perfectly nice. Perfectly innocent. She wears a demure dress with a conservative neckline. Her skirts are never too short or too tight. Her makeup is always subdued and she never wears too much eyeliner or lipstick that is too bright. When you chat with her she smiles politely and looks demurely downwards. Everything about her screams, “Marry me and lets live in a perfect house and make beautiful children”. While you share your morning coffee she laughs at your bad jokes and leans forward as you speak. Touching the pearls around her neck. She makes you feel as if you are the only man in the world.

What never occurs to you is the way she presses her thighs together as thoughts of your cock flit though her mind. You can’t imagine that she would open those perfect pink lips and ram them down over your cock like she was starving for it. That you twisting her hair in your fist would make her suck even harder.  

As you chat and sip coffee in a perfectly polite way you see her eyes dart to the side. At the counter buying a brew is a young man in a suit. The fabric of his pants fits snugly over his ass. When you glance back to her she is sitting perfectly straight looking like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth but there is an animal look in her eyes. It makes you wonder. 

The young man pays for his coffee and turns towards you. He pauses for a moment to say good morning to her. She gives him the same demure smile that she gives you. Her face is exactly level with his crotch as he stands beside her seat. Her tongue is resting on her lips and you notice that her knuckles have whitened as she grips her cup. For a second you allow yourself to see her differently. You wonder what her arse would look like naked and inviting you to fuck her as she sucked the young man’s cock.

The young man says good bye and she looks back you you all perfect niceness and twin set and pearls. The two of you chat about the weather and the stock market for a few more minutes then you finish your coffee and walk out of the shop together. On the street you go your separate ways. As she walks up the street you watch her neat round ass in her knee length skirt. She is going to her reception desk where she will smile at people all day and talk politely to the customers on the phone. Everyone in her office likes her because she is so nice. What they, and you, don’t for a second realise is that sometimes she sits at her desk with a butt plug in her ass because she likes the feeling. No one knows that she always carries a sleek silver bullet in her handbag “for emergencies” which happen almost every lunch break and sometimes in between.

Nobody at her work would ever know that she fucks at least one guy, usually two, sometimes three and a woman if she gets a chance, almost every other weekend. Nobody would ever dream of her sucking a cock like she was starving for it or putting her ass in the air begging you to fuck her senseless like the perfect slut that she is. Everybody thinks she is a nice girl.  

Rules for Swinging

Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash

A friend said to me recently.

“Swinging is all about rules.”

For a split second I thought about how many rules Mr Jones and I have. I only needed a split second because we have only one rule…

Be honest.

Not in an aggressive or angry way. Not in a passive aggressive way. In a calm rational and honest way. Tell your truth, quietly and with tact. And in the telling be prepared to listen honestly. Hear what the other person is saying and give them the attention you think you deserve. In the telling and the listening things will come out that are hard to say and hard to hear. But they must be said and they must be respected.

This kind of honestly is not about second guessing or trying to read hidden meanings or agendas. It is about seeking clarity when you don’t understand. It is about dealing with the feelings at hand. It is not about ultimatums or about setting boundaries. It is about stating preferences and giving consideration to each other’s feelings. Humans by nature will want to cross boundaries or flip the bird at ultimatums. If not the first time they face them the second or third or hundredth.

Swinging is about trust. It is about knowing that your primary partner has your best interest at the forefront of their mind. It is about knowing that your partner won’t hide things from you or lie to you, even by omission. It is about knowing that they will be there for you when you fall and being fully committed to catching them when they fall.

The only way to build trust is to be honest. A habitual lier cannot be trusted. If a person can make up a set of justifications for a lie then there is not a person in the world that they won’t lie to, sometime. They can’t be trusted. Somewhere, sometime they will lie and then will try and make it sound as if they had your best interests at heart when really they are just trying to make themselves feel better about their bad behaviour. In an environment where knowing there is at least one person who you can always rely on trust is king and honesty is the currency that gives the king his wealth and power.

The same person who made the statement about rules asked me what I would do if I found out that Mr Jones had been lying to me. It took me a while to process this because honestly I can’t imagine a situation where that would happen. Honesty is such a cornerstone of our relationship. Sometimes things happen that we hadn’t planned or expected. That is life but there is always disclosure later. Not the kind of disclosure that happens when you notice that something isn’t right and ask for an explanation but the kind that starts out like’

“While I was out with X today Y happened.” Open, honest, complete disclosure. I can’t remember a time when Mr Jones didn’t tell me about anything that had happened during his day. Not just swinging stuff but stuff that happened at work, stuff that happened with the kids or while he was doing something around the house. There are no dark secret purchases lurking, no secret lunches or boys nights. The same applies in reverse. We only have one bank account, one credit card. If I spend $1000 on a pair of shoes he knows. If he doesn’t like what I did he will tell me. If there are consequences for making a frivolous purchase They come at me.

The freedom that comes with engaging in non-monogamy is something that is hard to quantify. The philosophical idea of “Freedom From” competing with “Freedom To” comes to mind. On the surface non-monogamy appears to have a lot of “Freedom From”. All of the restraints of a vanilla marriage are removed. The partners can interact with who ever they want however they want. There are definitely people in the lifestyle who do this. This kind of approach SOUNDS good when all you have known is a bunch of rules but the consequences of “doing” some people can be less than great. When you begin to be discerning and make choices instead of just having a free-for-all the experiences become deeper and more satisfying. I think the thing I feel I have enjoyed the most is not the fantastic swinging from the rafters sex, although that is good, but rather the connection with people who see the world the same way as we do. It is those connections I cherish.

I cannot imagine being in a vanilla marriage. Any less than I can imagine a marriage where honesty is not a matter of course. I enjoy the freedom to.

TMI Tuesday The Christmas Edition

Source SBS

1. Would you rather have a cold December holiday season or a warm holiday season?

Like a lot of people in the world I have never experienced the opposite of what my local climate has to offer. I know that many Australians choose to holiday in a colder northern hemisphere country just to have the experience of a Christmas that looks like a Christmas card but I am not one of them, yet. In all honesty I don’t think I would specifically travel overseas just to have a white Christmas. While it is frustrating to see snow and Northern Hemisphere based images everywhere when it is 30 degrees outside I would rather have seafood and salad for lunch on Christmas Day than a roast.

2. Would you rather help Santa deliver presents or help Santa in his workshop?

I am a creator. Nothing makes me happier than making things with my hands. Food, clothes, stories. Definitely an elf in Santa’s workshop.

3. Would you rather wear nice clothes all Christmas day or wear pajamas?

In line with the weather the standard dress for Christmas Day is a cheesy Christmas t-shirt and shorts. No shoes. Or swimmers if you are spending the day in the pool or at the beach. Nice clothes are uncomfortable, basically because they are hot. As a child, I loved the feeling of getting home after church and taking those damned “nice clothes” off.

4. Would you rather eat fruit cake for two days straight or eat candy canes for two days straight?

I don’t think Australians get candy canes right. I am sure they don’t. If they do I REALLY don’t understand the fuss. Fruit cake is a much better option.

5. Right now would you rather eat gingerbread cookies or drink hot chocolate?

Again. Hot, sweaty, humidity. We had several storms last night so now that the sun is out it is going to get steamy. So gingerbread with cold milk or even iced tea sounds delightful.

This post is part of this week’s TMI Tuesday. If you would like to read more TMI goodness click on the button below

Severed Plant Genitals

In the past The Unicorn has expressed scorn at the idea of giving flowers as a romantic gesture. As she sees it cutting another organism’s genitals off is just a bit weird. Of course when her friend gave her some flowers spontaneously recently she didn’t throw them back but did the socially acceptable thing and put them in a vase.

As roses do in 30 plus degree Brisbane heat they wilted in a very small number of days. To my mind they took on a very phallic appearance. Does anyone else see it?

Sinful Sunday