TMI Tuesday – Cheating and Lovers

Photo by Talles Alves on Unsplash

1. You unexpectedly had sex with your friend’s partner. You feel guilty. Your friend’s partner keeps texting you begging you not to say anything about the two of you having sex. Would you tell your friend or keep mum?

I am not sure how you unexpectedly have sex. Every scenario I come up with involves some kind of pre-exisiting desire. Even if it is suppressed. So “unexpectedly”? You tell yourself what you need to. Before I sat down to write this I read Kdaddy’s thoughts on the situation. Some of his experiences made me consider that unmistakable attraction you sometimes have for a person, even when you know they are out of bounds. I have had that happen to me but I am fortunate that I had Mr Jones to save me from myself.

So I honestly can’t imagine being in the situation described. I do get into situations with men who are cheating on their partner. The “don’t tell” part of this scenario is very real here. I am also very clear on my position on this. I won’t tell but I will also not fuck you. People have this idea that their partner won’t find out when they cheat. Really? What does that say about the relationship they are trying to preserve if the partner doesn’t have some inkling that things are not as they should be. They will find out. Some day. Even if it is after you realise things aren’t right and you leave. When they do find out they will understandably be pissed and want to lash out. Not just at their cheating partner but also at their “friend” who aided and abetted. I am not up for being in the firing line for your dalliance. And so if you are cheating it won’t be with me. I don’t lie to my husband I am sure as shit not going to lie to your wife / husband either.

Given that my answer to question 1 was so long I have decided to skip question 2.

3. Do you think couples should argue regularly for a happy relationship or marriage?

The long term partner I had before Mr Jones and I was quite a bit older than I. I was also quite a bit younger and less grown up. Close to the end of our relationship I remember being very frustrated because he never fought back when I attacked. His response, “I just don’t argue, I don’t believe in it”.

I left him soon after that.

If what you believe or your own feelings aren’t worth fighting for then you aren’t much of a person.

I am also going to skip question 4. There is too much depth in this post already.

Bonus: If you were asked, “Why do you keep meeting the wrong people on dating apps?” what would you respond?

Bit of a confusing question. Why do I keep meeting the wrong people?

Because I don’t make a conscious choice to pursue what I exactly want and just deal with whatever comes along.It doesn’t mean I necessarily take what comes along but it does mean that I am fishing in a reduced pool so to speak.

Why do others keep meeting the wrong people?

Dating apps, especially if you are a woman, require a lot of filtering. So they require you to make decisions on very superficial things like age, height etc. I always wonder if making those kinds of decisions will rob me of the chance to make an amazing connection. In a nutshell meeting people in person and getting a feel for the whole person is much better.

TMI Tuesday – Moving Forward

Not a super sexy TMI today.

1. If you could see two things change about your significant other what would they be?

On reflection I would change whatever it is in his facial structure that causes his sleep apnea. Those of you who live with this problem or sleep next to someone who has this problem will know that it can be debilitating. CPAP machines can only do so much.

2. What are two things you forgot to celebrate last year?

I spent six months of last year on the ocean. Whilst we were never that far from civilisation and we did see people most days that kind of living is very removed from what most people experience. Many things that seem important in the “normal” world lost significance. The main thing we observed most days was the sunset.

3. Are you and your significant other both good at apologizing?

I am going to say no. Me because I apologise for everything including things that are not even remotely my fault. Him because he usually feels that he has a good reason for whatever he does or says and that means it is OK

4. What would you not admit on a first date?

How many people I have had sex with. Many people around me don’t feel that it is an issue but I am self conscious about it.

5. Is rebound sex empowering?

I believe anything you do while you are looking over your shoulder at past events is not empowering at all. I really hate it when people continuously try to make their ex regret leaving them. Rebound sex can be a lot of different things and I think it can be healing as long as it isn’t about trying to prove anything to your ex.

Bonus: How do you mend a broken heart?

If your heart is really truly broken there is not a quick fix. Knowing that it will eventually get better and moving forward even if it is slowly will heal things in time. Cliche I know. But that is all your are going to get from this guru today.

TMI Tuesday – Love and Money

1. Could you fall in love with and set up home with someone who has $100,000 (usd) in debt?

Mr Jones says: They would have to be fucking awesome in bed.

Gemma Says: If they expect me to help them pay it back then probably not. If it is going to affect our long term financial stability then I would be hesitant.

2. Is it important for you to be the breadwinner or make more money than your significant other?

Mr Jones says: No but sometimes the power imbalance can cause some issues in the relationship.

Gemma Says: It is normal in our society for men to earn more than women. So If it is important for a woman to earn more than her partner it is going to seriously limit their relationship choices.

3. Are you happy with your chosen career path? What could be better?

I am. At this point in my life I am working at the career of my choice. I moved schools last year to work with the type of students I feel connected to and with a style of education that I feel is practical and works for them. The only thing that I think about changing is if I continue to work or perhaps semi retire. Spending six months travelling last year and living the life of a retired person has made me consider it as a more viable long term option.

4. Would you start a business with your significant other? Why or why not?

No. Not unless you count joint investments. It isn’t that I don’t think it works but I don’t think Mr Jones and I have complimentary skill sets that would work to run a business together. And eventually the stress on not being able to work as a fully effective team would be detrimental to our relationship.

Bonus: Can money buy you love?

No. Money makes life easier and definitely gives you better choices but it isn’t the thing that makes a person either capable of loving or being loveable.

TMI Tuesday – Spring is Not Sprung

Photo by Jeremy Bezanger on Unsplash

1. The month of April is named for Greek goddess Aphrodite. She is associated with lust, love, pleasure, and passion. Which one of those states of being do you hope to experience this month? Which of them is most likely to happen?

Mr Jones and I are planning a short, five day, sailing adventure (not quite the right word but it sounds good) from around 8 to 13 April. For the first part it will be just the two of us. For the last few days we will be joined by a friend. So there will hopefully be some sunbathing and relaxing – pleasure. Some couple time – love. Some threesome time – lust and passion. All of the stuff!

2. Diamond is the birthstone for the month of April.  Have you ever given or received a diamond? Under what circumstances?

I have a diamond engagement ring although it is not a particularly expensive one. Mr Jones did buy me a much more valuable diamond to mark the first occasion of me being able to get his whole fully erect cock into my mouth. Not an easy feat.

3. Did you play an April Fools joke this year? What was it?

No I did not. At my place of work things on 1 April were slightly crazy and I guess it wasn’t on anyone’s radar.

4. April 22, 2022 is Earth Day. Around the world, all sorts of events will take place to celebrate and invest in our planet. What sort of thing might you do for the earth on Earth Day?

There are a few things that we do regularly in our house as a matter of course. The Unicorn and myself both drive hybrid cars which use much less petrol. We recycle and repurpose as much as possible and we have a strictly “nude food” policy when it comes to lunches that are taken to school or work. However there are always more things to do. I guess this is as good a prompt as any to think up something else.

Bonus: What odd or strange thing do you keep in your home?

This is a hard one to answer. Of course if I am keeping it I don’t necessarily think it is odd. Other people may think differently though.

After consulting with Mr Jones we have decided that the cane toads in the freezer are probably the strangest thing. Even for a native of Queensland where removal of cane toads from the environment is considered a public service the normal methods of killing them are much less humane than putting them to sleep in the freezer.

However in the last four years we have despatched thousands of these introduced pests in this way. I hope we are making a difference.

TMI Tuesday – What is Normal?

1. Do you consider your sex to be “conventional”? Why or why not?

I once heard a person describe married sex as saying “fuck you” at your partner as they pass you in the hallway. I am certain that many people think that is conventional sex for married couples. There are other people who consider legs in the air screaming the house down sex with a man you are not married to while your husband is tied to a chair and forced to watch conventional as well.

I personally don’t do the first option ever. While the second option is part of my repertoire it isn’t the only way I have sex. Sometimes vanilla is the best flavour.

2. Gender Identity–How do you describe yourself? (Mark one answer)

a. Male b. Female c. Trans Male/Trans Man d. Trans Female/Trans Woman e. Genderqueer/Gender Non­Conforming f. Different Identity

As far as gender goes I am a woman or a female. I respect people who have a high level of self awareness and emotional maturity and identify in a way that is non-binary. I also think that this whole thing has been overthought by a lot of people.

3. Sexual Orientation–Are you exclusively?

a. Heterosexual b. Gay c. Lesbian d. Bisexual e. None of the above, specify if you wish.

Sometimes I consider myself to be bisexual but in all honesty I think I am more of a pansexual. Because I love getting down and dirty with a pan.

And a man

And a woman

If they are appealing to me.

4. Is understanding the causes and effects, and the formation of gender stereotypes important?

There is no substitute for education. It is absolutely important for people to understand that gender stereotypes exist, their effects and where they come from. This doesn’t have to be so that people who are applying these stereotypes can be vilified or made to fee lesser but so that everyone can address these issues.

Bonus: Your thoughts on this–“I’m in a committed relationship, and it feels like asking for consent every time we have sex is overkill—is that wrong?”

If asking for consent is onerous and seems like overkill then you genuinely don’t respect the person you are with. Just because someone has been your spouse for twenty years does not mean that you have to consider that they may not be as interested in sex as you think.

Money, Money, Money

Image by Goumbik from Pixabay

1. What is the most expensive thing you have purchased that was not worth the price?

I bought a pair of shoes last week. I still am not in the habit of doing regular land based things so I didn’t check the price before deciding to buy them. Not sure what was happening there but when the sales assistant rang up the price it was higher than I would have considered reasonable at the time. I didn’t have the brain space to argue so I just paid and walked out the shop. They are leather shoes and I will wear them a lot so I am just telling myself that is enough to justify the price.

2. Has money ever ruined a relationship for you?

Not really. Money is something that I use and I am relatively careful with but it isn’t something that drives life decisions for me. I haven’t had a relationship that was dictated by money issues ever so I guess I am lucky.

3. What is a cheap thing you own that just makes you SO happy?

The cardigan I am wearing as I type this. I got it from the sale rack. It was damaged but it is so soft and cuddly. I love wearing it.

4. What is the most toxic quality about you?

I have inherited some of my mother’s passive aggressive tendencies. I am relatively skilled at inducing guilt in the people who care about me. I am super conscious about not turning into her so I try really hard but it slips out sometimes.

5. Why do you not like to talk about money?

Because for many people seeing someone with something they don’t have but think they want causes them to be jealous and negative. I don’t want to be judged or thought of as a snob.

When we purchased our yacht the question a lot of my teacher friends asked was “How much did it cost?” I could hear the unspoken question of “How did you afford that?” as they asked. I never told anyone how much it was. My standard response was “Enough”. Most people were happy to leave it at that. I didn’t want to advertise to my colleagues that I work primarily for reasons other than to pay my bills.

Bonus: What is the craziest thing you have done for love?

Bought a boat that cost the same as a house, took unpaid leave from my job and spent six months sailing the Queensland coast. I got a lot out of it and it changed me for life but ultimately this voyage was about me compromising with Mr Jones.

TMI Tuesday – The Dating Game

1. What did you do on your very first date?

That was such a long time ago. My high school years were spent at boarding school. My parents were very conservative and my mother was extremely controlling. I pretty much didn’t have a social life that went outside of school. I did manage to meet up with some boys at McDonalds from time to time. I guess that counts doesn’t it?

2. Which gift would you like to receive most from your significant other:
a. $10,000 Diamond
b. $10,000 vacation
c. $5000 in cash

I am currently on a vacation which in real terms probably cost in excess of $10 000 and our cash is completely merged so Mr Jones giving me a cash gift is kind of moot. A $10 000 diamond would be kind of nice but I feel that all of these gifts are a bit of a cop out. I would rather something that he put some thought into. Something very personal that he remembered me admiring but not really asking for. In all honesty that probably won’t happen but the fantasy is nice.

3. Fill in the blank:
The day I get/got married _____ .

My wedding was dominated by a very controlling parent. Most of the guests at my wedding were their friends and people they felt obliged to invite. My mother made my dress, I was allowed some input but in all honesty it was all about her. The one thing I remember was deciding on the morning of the wedding that I was going to enjoy myself regardless of what other people wanted. And I did.

If I had it over again it would be different and I don’t even know if I would invite her.

4. What is the first thing your significant other notices about someone attractive walking down the street?

I don’t think Mr Jones has a feature that he specifically looks at. It is more about the overall package. He does have a preference for blondes though.

5. Which adjective category best describes you?
a. Sophisticated
b. Down home, down to earth
c. Sensuous

I am going with b. I consider myself to be pretty low maintenance. Most people I know tell me I am very straight forward and tell it like it is.

Bonus: What is the worst thing you or someone could eat in bed?

Toast. You can never get the crumbs out.

TMI Tuesday blog

Thirty Dirty Questions – Question 10

What do you want more of in your sex life?

The honest answer, not much really. I have almost everything a girl could possibly want. The only thing that would possibly tick a different box is a dominant play friend.

Mr Jones is not entirely keen on this idea. He says that a man who is capable of dominating me is probably not a very nice person and therefore he wouldn’t be happy with me seeing him. He does have a point. I don’t take well to someone restraining me or denying me something I have decided I want. Particularly when it comes to sex. In my professional life I have a reputation for being tolerant and patient with difficult people. In my sex life I don’t have time for that shit. I want what I want and I want it NOW. If you say no to me then I will go find it somewhere else.

So even though I fantasise about a man strong enough to make me wait. I haven’t actually done a lot about finding him. Mostly because I don’t want to sort through the idiots on adult dating websites who call themselves Dominant. The majority of these are there to massage their own egos. I definitely don’t want that.

My recent experience with The Second Mate did take me down that path. He was not beyond pushing me to do things his way and making me wait upon his pleasure. I would very much have liked more time with him to see where things would have ended up but sadly it was not to be. I don’t think it will be easy to find someone like that again.

And so I fantasise some more. But I am not about to spend a lot of time looking. The right person will come along at the right time.

Wicked Wednesday

TMI Tuesday – A Wet Afternoon

It is a wet and windy afternoon here in cruising yacht paradise and not the fun kind of wet. It has been four days since I set foot on land and about six since I had an in-person conversation with someone other than Mr Jones. Cabin fever may have some influence on my answers.

1. What’s the most stressful thing in your life right now

Apart from the aforementioned weather the announcement today that our delightful premier has announced a three day lockdown for the city that we are planning to visit in three days. Fingers crossed that it doesn’t get extended. Fingers also crossed that our friend who is meeting us there is able to travel from his city which is also part of the lockdown.

2. True or False. The best way to get over an ex is to get under someone new.

You know it has been so long since I have had an ex as such that I really don’t know. Getting under someone new is always fun though.

3. Is rebound sex empowering or does it leave you feeling lonelier?

Sex for the benefit of someone other than yourself is never going to end well. Whether it is to make the person you are having sex with happy or to make another person jealous it is never going to end well. The only way sex is empowering is if you are doing it for yourself on your terms.

4. Would you rather watch porn every night forever or never watch porn again?

One of my Thirty Dirty Questions discussed my thoughts on porn. You can read about it here. Personally having to watch porn every night forever sounds like torture. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t miss it if I never saw it again.

5. Would you rather go to bed alone forever or share a bed with someone forever?

Well I am married to Mr Jones. He has this thing about wanting to share a bed with me because he thinks it is part of being married. So I guess I am stuck with sharing a bed.

Bonus: You must pick one and explain. Would you rather your mom or your ex set up and run your dating apps?

Anyone except my mother. The further my mother is away from my sex life the better. Really the further she is away from most of my life the better.

Imbalance in Internet Dating

As a person in an open relationship who is actively seeking partners I spend a lot of time dating. I don’t mean the awkward dinners that are portrayed on “First Dates”. I am talking about the internet style hook – up type dating. I use a website that is specifically for swingers and I avoid mainstream dating websites like Tinder. My main reasoning for that is to protect my privacy and avoid being outed by someone in my professional life. There is a part of me that is curious to see what would happen if I set up a Tinder account but I am not brave enough yet.

The thing with any dating app whether the user is seeking a soulmate or a one night stand it seems that there is a surplus of males and a seemingly tiny number of receptive females. I hear stories from men about meeting women who get inundated with hundreds of messages. So many that it is impossible for them to reply. That has not been my experience. I am almost fifty, I am married and state clearly I am looking for a man who is comfortable being naked in front of my husband. That in itself seems to weed out a lot.

Despite that I do get attention. I could never hope to meet every man that messages me even those that might be attractive to me or interested in similar activities. If I did meet every man that is attractive and interested I would never get out of bed. I have to narrow the field somehow. I have to make some choices and let others fall by the wayside. I can make arbitrary rules like “If you don’t have a picture in your bio” or “If your initial message is full of Text speak like HowRU” then you don’t make the cut. But I still have to talk to a lot of men who are never going to get in my panties, so to speak.

I have posted before about disappointments. About spending the time talking, exchanging pics, building up some attraction and tension, arranging to meet and then…. Crickets. It is at these times I wonder about my selection process. Should I change my criteria? Am I looking in the wrong place? Is there something I missed? Sometimes I nod in recognition of something that did raise itself but I ignored because he looked hot / I was busy / I was horny etc. Sometimes I am mystified. Sometimes it is the universe saving me from myself. Sometimes I meet some amazing people, like Johnny.

Of late I am with Mr Jones 24 / 7. He sees everything I do which is something he didn’t at home. He doesn’t have a problem with it but I think it has been a bit of an eye opener for him. We have had more open conversations about what each other is wanting / needing. It has been a time of growth for both of us. He has a better understanding of some of my frustrations and the process of making things happen. A lot of times with our lifestyle we discuss an idea and then it happens with little legwork from him. He very rarely puts in the work of building a connection and discussing possibilities with anyone except me.

For me I have a better grip on what he wants but also on how he feels about what I do. The monogamy habit still overshadows things for me sometimes. There is often a lurking fear that I will hurt Mr Jones or damage our relationship. Spending this time with him and discussing different scenarios has helped me to see that he is truly fine with most things as long as he is confident that I am taking him into consideration. I am “allowed” to be slutty and impulsive and have sex with someone I ran into without protracted negotiation and consent from him. He likes the idea of something like that happening and finding out about it later. It is something I am getting used to. I am not quite ready to do something like that but I guess the time will come.

Like everything in this life things are constantly evolving and changing. There are things that we do now that we would not have done even two years ago. I have no doubt there will be other things that we will add to our repertoire over time and still others that will be struck off the list. It is all a question of balance really.

Image by Neel Shakilov from Pixabay

This post was written for Wicked Wednesday prompt #472 “Balance” to see who else is sharing click the button below.

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