Imbalance in Internet Dating

As a person in an open relationship who is actively seeking partners I spend a lot of time dating. I don’t mean the awkward dinners that are portrayed on “First Dates”. I am talking about the internet style hook – up type dating. I use a website that is specifically for swingers and I avoid mainstream dating websites like Tinder. My main reasoning for that is to protect my privacy and avoid being outed by someone in my professional life. There is a part of me that is curious to see what would happen if I set up a Tinder account but I am not brave enough yet.

The thing with any dating app whether the user is seeking a soulmate or a one night stand it seems that there is a surplus of males and a seemingly tiny number of receptive females. I hear stories from men about meeting women who get inundated with hundreds of messages. So many that it is impossible for them to reply. That has not been my experience. I am almost fifty, I am married and state clearly I am looking for a man who is comfortable being naked in front of my husband. That in itself seems to weed out a lot.

Despite that I do get attention. I could never hope to meet every man that messages me even those that might be attractive to me or interested in similar activities. If I did meet every man that is attractive and interested I would never get out of bed. I have to narrow the field somehow. I have to make some choices and let others fall by the wayside. I can make arbitrary rules like “If you don’t have a picture in your bio” or “If your initial message is full of Text speak like HowRU” then you don’t make the cut. But I still have to talk to a lot of men who are never going to get in my panties, so to speak.

I have posted before about disappointments. About spending the time talking, exchanging pics, building up some attraction and tension, arranging to meet and then…. Crickets. It is at these times I wonder about my selection process. Should I change my criteria? Am I looking in the wrong place? Is there something I missed? Sometimes I nod in recognition of something that did raise itself but I ignored because he looked hot / I was busy / I was horny etc. Sometimes I am mystified. Sometimes it is the universe saving me from myself. Sometimes I meet some amazing people, like Johnny.

Of late I am with Mr Jones 24 / 7. He sees everything I do which is something he didn’t at home. He doesn’t have a problem with it but I think it has been a bit of an eye opener for him. We have had more open conversations about what each other is wanting / needing. It has been a time of growth for both of us. He has a better understanding of some of my frustrations and the process of making things happen. A lot of times with our lifestyle we discuss an idea and then it happens with little legwork from him. He very rarely puts in the work of building a connection and discussing possibilities with anyone except me.

For me I have a better grip on what he wants but also on how he feels about what I do. The monogamy habit still overshadows things for me sometimes. There is often a lurking fear that I will hurt Mr Jones or damage our relationship. Spending this time with him and discussing different scenarios has helped me to see that he is truly fine with most things as long as he is confident that I am taking him into consideration. I am “allowed” to be slutty and impulsive and have sex with someone I ran into without protracted negotiation and consent from him. He likes the idea of something like that happening and finding out about it later. It is something I am getting used to. I am not quite ready to do something like that but I guess the time will come.

Like everything in this life things are constantly evolving and changing. There are things that we do now that we would not have done even two years ago. I have no doubt there will be other things that we will add to our repertoire over time and still others that will be struck off the list. It is all a question of balance really.

Image by Neel Shakilov from Pixabay

This post was written for Wicked Wednesday prompt #472 “Balance” to see who else is sharing click the button below.

Wicked Wednesday

A Small Reminder

Something that struck me when I looked at this image was my wedding ring. Often I notice it in images taken when I am playing. I remember once a lover telling me that it was the sexiest thing I was wearing because it meant I belonged to another man and that man was allowing me to be with him. Ever since then I have always noticed my ring in images. It makes me think about the unconventional nature of my marriage and how fortunate I am that I found myself here.

In this image I am performing oral sex on Mr Jones because he indicated he would like me to give him a “road head job” while he was driving the yacht. Not one to deny him a fantasy I complied when the opportunity arose. He enjoyed it but not so much that he forgot to capture the moment!

Sinful Sunday

Thirty Dirty Questions- Q4

Question 4: What do you think about when you masturbate?

This is an interesting question. I don’t masturbate a lot. I grew up in a repressed Catholic environment. Sex was not discussed. Touching yourself was strongly discouraged. Anything to do with exploring your body was strongly discouraged. As an adult I have gotten past a lot of hurdles related to this up bringing but masturbating is not one of them.

I guess part of my aversion to it has been re-enforced by the pop culture stereotype of men masturbating because they could not have real sex. Somewhere in the twisted canals of my brain the idea that masturbating is the desperate furtive act of a person denied their sexual needs took root. My Catholic upbringing also attempted to entrench in me that women should not enjoy sex. This idea did not take root thankfully but I was very cautious about displaying my rejection of it. Because there is this idea in the world of popular culture that women shouldn’t appear to like sex but a good wife will provide it. So her man doesn’t have to masturbate???

OK so I had some twisted ideas that stayed with me until I was well into my thirties. I don’t even want to discuss the “blue pill” thinking that dominated my early marriage. I am past a lot of that now but I still don’t masturbate a lot. Privacy is a problem in our house. I have two adult children who don’t always understand the concept of privacy. Along with two elderly parents who also just trot on into our part of the house when it suits them. Getting time to myself when I know I won’t be interrupted to relax and do something like masturbating it is very infrequent.

As I get older and read more blogs, I am becoming more relaxed about it. But the time when I am most likely to masturbate is when I can’t sleep. This process is just a way to get my body to relax. I love the afterglow feeling which I also get with sex. The difference with sex is often I don’t get to lie quietly and enjoy it until I go to sleep. There is other people and other things happening.

What do I think about when I do masturbate? I don’t have a go to scenario or story. Sometimes I think about activities that I would like to try. Double penetration for example. I fantasise about being taken from behind while I am riding Mr Jones. Other times my fantasies are about domination. Or about being in control of my partner and making him fulfil my every wish with no guilt about not pleasing him. I have not taken a man’s arse for a long time but it does entice me. I love the thought of holding a beautiful arse in my palms as I penetrate him. I have the power. There are others but often they are fragmented and fleeting. They don’t stay in my mind long enough to take root.

Sometimes I think about a recent encounter with a lover. Images of their face or the sound of their pleasure trigger a response in me. I remember the feeling of their hands on me or their face pressed between my thighs. Replaying favourite moments of time together is enticing and can give me deep pleasure.

And with that I think I may need some alone time.

If you want to read answers to other questions you can use the links at my Thirty Dirty Questions page to find related posts.

The Red Pill for Women

I blogged recently about Red pill versus blue pill thinking from a male perspective. Or rather a woman’s ideas about a man changing from a blue pill to a red pill thinker. I have also explained my thoughts about the biology of female attraction to Alpha males as opposed to their entrapment of betas. It would be generalising to say that all men who are Alphas are red pill men and all betas are blue pill but the similarities are there. All this is awesome but can a woman “Choose the Red pill”?

I think the answer is yes. There are women out there who are stronger and more dominant than others. I am not talking about the Karens of the world here. I am talking about the women who command respect through achievement and integrity, not through being the one who will complain to the manager or is the queen bee of her friendship group.

How not to be a 'Karen' - ABC Everyday

Several years ago, I was part of a group of mothers who all had children in the same year level at the primary school that The Unicorn attended with her brother. We celebrated several girls’ nights. Which were essentially shared meals at a local pub where alcohol was consumed, and gossip swapped. At the time I was blogging, and I had just started studying Education. I was a bit more relaxed about hiding my lifestyle and several of these women knew about my writing, if not the more sordid details of my ‘after dark’ persona.

The conversations on these evenings were varied and often controversial. Something I found amusing. When it came to sex there was not a “type” among us. One member of the group would be what many would call prudish. Sex was not her thing, porn was confusing to her and her knowledge of the female body, including her own, was limited. She found our different ideas and experiences interesting but still maintained sex was not for her. Perhaps she was asexual? Another member of the group fell into the more common stereotype. That is, she complained about how her husband “harassed her” for sex. Interestingly there was another woman who complained about the exact opposite.

There is a train of thought that suggests that all of us should have been entering our sexual prime. We were still young, fit, and healthy. Our children had started school and the constant grind of dealing with small children was lessening. We no longer had to micromanage every moment of the lives of small beings and our partners were more than capable of stepping up. Clearly because we were out together completely free of children and husbands and the need to think about what was for dinner or if everyone ate it. This was our time.

A woman who was strong could take that opportunity to become a Red pill woman. In the movie that spawned the Red vs blue ideal, The Matrix; the female lead, Trinity, is the epitome of a Red Pill woman. She is a true badass and can look after herself. She is not afraid to tell men to go fuck themselves when they are not strong enough for her taste. Additionally, she has and amazing wardrobe! Our culture supresses women like this. We fill little girl’s heads with Disney stories that all revolve around women seeking their prince charming and finding their forever love. Even more modern versions of Disney Princesses such as Rapunzel and Elsa still have a love interest as a primary goal. Despite all of the hype that they were pioneers, breaking the Disney mould.

The Matrix Reloaded | Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss)

But amongst our little group there were women who were still playing the victim. Complaining about how demanding their husbands are or how weak they are. It is a trap that is easy to fall into, sitting with a group of women making fun of the men in the world. Laughing at how stupid, inept and generally disappointing they are. A woman who was my hairdresser for many years would complain how her husband never let his sons take dance classes “because it was gay!” (not going to touch that topic as offensive as it is). Her complaint was that he was turning his sons into the kind of men who sat around got drunk and said and did stupid stuff. Not a desirable feature I will admit but the irony of this situation is that her husband WAS that guy and SHE married him.

Choosing the red pill is not about totally opposing everything in your life that you don’t like. It is not about trying to change other people; that is impossible. It is about changing yourself. It is about making yourself happy. Women are notorious for not asking directly for what they want or worse, downplaying the importance of what they want, and then complaining when they don’t get what they want. Even something as simple as saying “no” when they are approached by a man is out of some women’s capabilities. We deflect and make excuses and then complain when he doesn’t get the hint.

For women choosing the Red pill is about owning what you want. A Red pill woman doesn’t make excuses. She says no, and she doesn’t take other people’s crap. When she is asked, she will tell you what she wants and if you aren’t up to it she will also tell you. Red pill women don’t complain about their appearance or their bodies. They are proud. So, what if I am curvy? I like cake and curves are sexy. If there is something I want to change then I will change it in my own time, in my own way. So what if you don’t like something about me? Your ideas about me are actually none of my business.

Changing or maintaining your thinking is difficult. It takes work. It often requires you to cut ties with people who are firmly entrenched in the negative, blue pill, way. Sometimes you have to physically avoid certain situations so you don’t get sucked in to that hole. But at the end of the day it is definitely worth it.

Toxic Masculinity

My friend Mike over at Marriage Sex and More often writes about his journey through changing his approach to his sex life. This journey has taken him from being a classic “blue pill” thinker to more of a “red pill” guy. The resulting change in attitude and confidence has resulted in a complete 180 degree turn around in many areas of his life in particular his marriage. As a woman I find his ideas a little confronting. As a wife I find myself nodding along. For men who are in marriages that are sexless and unsatisfactory what he has to say is invaluable. Confronting but invaluable.

Mike’s idea of “Blue pill” vs “Red pill” thinking is interesting. In his view “blue pill” thinking is taking on pressures placed on men, often by feminists, to be more sensitive and to suppress men’s tendencies to be strong, and in some ways dominating. A blue pill guy is married to the system, does every thing he can to meet his wife’s demands, all the while complaining that he never gets enough sex and that women are bitches. Mike’s reformation came about when he refused to be the sensitive new age guy type and became a “Red pill” thinker. Strong, happy with himself and more in control of his life. I have summarised here, you really need to read the way he explains it.

Blue Pill or Red Pill

As I read a recent post summarising the changes in his approach and his wife’s approach to oral sex many things resonated with me. I come across men every day in the world of the internet who are dealing with being sexually repressed in one way or another. All of them will complain at length about their wives not being on board with their sexual fantasies. All of them tell me that they are keen to be amazing in bed, that they love licking pussy, that they have endless stamina yada yada.

While I have not tested them all I have enough experience to tell you that

They

are

lying

to me, to their wives, to themselves.

When it comes to licking pussy most men are, well, pussies. They will do it for a short while as a means to get to the main course. Once they have ticked the box, they don’t go back. They don’t listen to subtle direction, they don’t assess how their partner is responding and they don’t give the impression that they are actually enjoying it. When it comes to the main course, again it is all about them hitting their goals. Stamina is relative. For some five minutes is a long time to have sex. And yes it can be a long time if you are fucking someone who is using you as a place to shove their dick.

It is a generalisation but many of the men I encounter who are using a poor sex life as an excuse for cheating have one thing in common. They do not take responsibility for their problem. They see themselves as a victim. Blue pill thinking. Everything in their life is someone else’s fault. Mostly their wife’s. This goes further to them thinking they are owed something. That the other women they are seeking are going to just fit with their fantasies, ideas and availability. In short, she is going to supply him with everything he wants that he is not getting now. Because, of course, if one woman is refusing to comply she is definitely the one with the problem.

A casual read of Mike’s posts might lead a man to think that paying scant attention to what his woman wants is all part of the Red Pill mentality. That to be a Red pill man all you have to do is focus on demanding what you want and it will come along. There is no such thing as a free lunch. Just demanding what you want in a loud voice is the kind of thing a two year old does. If his parent is doing their job they will promptly remind their entitled child that life is not about waiting for your privileges to fall from the sky it is about EARNING them. The focus is not on what you WANT but what you ARE.

Instead of complaining that your wife is not attracted to you how about considering making yourself more attractive to her? There have been times when I have had to look at myself. I fell in the blue pill rabbit hole and felt that Mr Jones was not doing it for me. A good hard look in the mirror told me I was also not doing it for HIM. It has taken time and much trial and error but these days I have a reasonably good idea of what does it for him (I think). The question is mostly not what to do but motivating myself to make the effort. Because it does take effort.

Mr Jones often talks about the cycle of not being attractive. How one partner’s inadequacy feeds the inadequacy of the other and around and around it spirals. His idea is correct. Breaking the cycle is hard. It takes one partner to go out on a limb. Of course if the other doesn’t follow then you are possibly flogging a dead horse. It is just a question of how long you want the limb to be and if they don’t follow do you go back to where you were or move on?

At the end of the day marriage is not a free ride. There is never a time to coast and there is never a time to lie back and be worshipped as a perfect specimen of a spouse. Good relationships take work. Sometimes the rewards are not instant. Sometimes the rewards are not exactly what you wanted. But do you honestly want to be a victim at the mercy of other people? Is that really what you want?

Punishment or Consequence

I will start this post by stating that I am not in a D/s relationship and probably won’t ever engage in a formal D/s relationship, but I do sometimes employ some softer elements into my sexual play. Not the same thing I know.

For me submission is about relinquishing control. About not having to make decisions about what is going to happen. If someone is dominating me, I am free to focus on my response to the situation. I will say that my response to authority often features two extremes. I like to follow rules, I like structure. I will follow a rule and conform to a set of expectations while I think they are reasonable and the person issuing the rules is making them from a place of intelligence.

If I feel that the person issuing the rules is not intelligent or is making rules to suit their own stupid agenda, then my compliance is at best sullen and more frequently bratty and devious. Like all people I will look for a loophole or straight out defy. It is a very childish response, but I have been known to flip the bird behind the back of someone in authority when they give an instruction, I find particularly irritating.

During sex I will sometimes comply with a reasonable request. If I feel it has been framed appropriately. On the flip side I sometimes like to be in control, call the shots and put my partner into positions and situations that I choose. I am turned on by having power over someone. If they resist, they will earn themselves a spank in the moment but not a fully constructed punishment.

For me, discipline and punishment are not things that are part of my sex life. They are part of my vanilla life. I am a teacher, discipline is a daily thing for me. But not in the way that most people think. When I think of discipline, I think of maintaining a routine and a set of expectations. Students, and humans in general, are compliant when they know what to expect. Most people will be much calmer and happier if they have a good understanding of what they can expect when they take a certain course of action. To me discipline is about being consistent in your response to a situation.

My daughter explains to people regularly, “When Mum says no it is no.” This is a big part of being disciplined. Having a consistent set of responses to situations. Following a particular way of thinking consistently; making a plan or set of rules and sticking to it. Sometimes it is hard and tiring to do that. It is tempting to short cut the rules or the plan. Doing this will result in hardship later. People in your charge will become unruly and difficult to handle if they know they can get you to change an unpopular policy simply by questioning, whining or having a tantrum. It takes effort to enforce a plan at the start but over time that enforcement becomes habit and is easier. It is met with less resistance amongst the troops because they see the plan working in everyone’s favour.

Punishment has never been a feature of my life as a Sex Goddess, a teacher or a parent. Consequences is the approach I use. When my own children were small I would often say to them;

“You can do that if you want to but if you do then X is going to happen”

This then becomes part of the discipline circuit. A consistent set of rules and follow through. I stated how I would respond, and they can make their own choice. In a classroom the same thing happens. Once I had a student who would invariably ask “So what are we doing?” just when I had finished giving the instructions and everyone was getting on with the task. It drove me bananas. The class knew it and they all conformed to listen when I was explaining the task, except him.

One day I remember him starting to ask the inevitable question and his new girlfriend shushing him as the words started. She hurriedly repeated the instructions and urged him to get on with it. She understood the discipline thing even if he didn’t. Perhaps the consequence of not complying with her was more dire for him than not complying with me. Whatever, that habit did change with her help. Teenage boys really do think with their small brain most of the time.

Why (and how) are men making their dicks bigger? | Dazed Beauty

People sometimes ask if I am the dominant in my relationship with Mr Jones. The answer is a very firm no. I don’t believe that kind of dynamic would be healthy in OUR relationship. I have no doubt he would very much enjoy it. He doesn’t like making decisions and having someone calling all the shots would make his life much easier. As I explained I spend my day making the decisions and calling the shots for a bunch of teenagers. It is exhausting. I don’t want to come home and do the same thing.

2021 in the classroom for me is about a bit of tightening in the discipline department. One of my classes this year is a year 7 class. They are in their first year of high school and traditionally are unruly and have an inflated sense of their own importance. Consistent expectations and consequences are important in training them to navigate high school successfully and with minimal drama.

This post is part of the current 4 Thoughts or Fiction meme “Discipline and Punishment” To see some other thoughts on the topic head click on the image below.

4Thoughts

Education?

I would like to preface this post by paying my respects to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Elders, past and present. I acknowledge the deep understanding of country held by the First Nations peoples of Australia and I am committed to working with them for a brighter future for my country.

Aboriginal Flags

When I was completing my teaching degree I remember a discussion about the difference between the terms syllabus and curriculum. According to my lecturer syllabus is the content that is delivered in a classroom. Be it Mathematics, Science, English, whatever. The curriculum is a more general term that refers to the collective things taught at a particular place of learning. This idea can be stretched to include things that are NOT on the syllabus such as how to behave, ways of treating each other, dealing with the system that is our world, etc.

I read a post by Mike at Marriage, Sex and More discussing the idea of teaching about marriage in schools. Mike had heard a podcaster indicating that it would be a good idea to introduce a class on marriage into schools. My first reaction to this idea is one shared by a lot of my colleagues “Really! Let’s just try and fit another life skill into the classroom.” I want to say that I fully support Mike’s rejection of this idea. In this modern world it seems that schools are expected to cover a lot of material that should be covered at home because parents are either incapable of or too lazy to parent their children properly.

In a previous post I described Steve Biddulph’s idea that we subliminally learn about parenting as we grow up. These lessons are not taught directly, they are lessons learned through watching someone over a long period of time and in line with other things that are happening. The teacher is unaware that they are teaching. The learner is unaware that they are learning but in the sponge that is a child’s brain, lessons are being implanted about how to speak to your children, what to do when your child is naughty, how to mould behavior.

The same subliminal process happens with relationships. The child’s sponge brain absorbs how spouses interact. If a woman treats her husband with contempt her daughters are likely to grow up and do the same thing. Of course as I explained, we can identify the behaviors we don’t like and consciously change them. We are not cookie cutter images of our parents. As we grow up other influences come in to play, parents of friends, relatives, other close friends, our ultimate spouses but the first influence of our parents can be hard to shake.

What does this have to do with the classroom? Well learning is not a linear process. We like to think that the education system is linear and like a factory. Put kid in at age 4 – 5 (depending on the country etc), go through a series of steps (various classes), and at the end we spit out an educated fully functioning adult. There are any number of anecdotal and more academic studies that show this is really NOT the way it works despite the billions of dollars spent on and worldwide adoption of this way of educating.

Anyone who has spent time with any Indigenous Elder discussing their culture will know that indigenous elders teach their young people by demonstration and talking. During 2020 and 2019 I had several opportunities to spend a few days with two different elders, a Bundjalung man and a Mununjali man. Both men have extensive knowledge about plants, stories, way of life, and respect for country. Both teach the same way; walking through the bush and discussing what comes along. Or sitting in a yarning circle and discussing whatever comes up.

Neither goes into a situation with a learning intention or a specific set of points to discuss and tick off. Both will talk about topics multiple times in multiple ways as they come across them in their daily activities. As I walked and yarned with these men I could see how generations of First Nations people were taught about their culture, the landscape they lived in, and how to care for it. I could see how this way of learning is gentle, but strong and effective.

This is the way humans learn to live, not in a classroom. Classrooms are for abstract, thought based things like Science, Mathematics and Literature. They can be adapted to teach specific skills like how to bake a cake or how to build a chair but they CANNOT be used to teach life skills like how to discuss money issues with your spouse or how to know a particular person is going to be a good life partner. These things can only be taught over time and with repetition, space to make real life errors and guidance when these early errors happen. This type of learning can only happen with a person who is constantly there, like a parent. Not a teacher who, at best, will be in close contact with a student for a couple of years.

First Nations people defer to Elders as the ‘Educational Authority’. One doesn’t become an Elder by reaching a certain age. They achieve this status by demonstrating an understanding of culture and a level of maturity that befits the status. In western society, probably as a result of our education system, we have lost this concept. Adulthood is conferred on us when we reach a specific age regardless of our maturity. We can have children when our bodies are ready, not when our souls and minds are. We can, and often do, educate our children while we are still children ourselves.

Perhaps the solution to the decline in life skills is not just shoving another class into the syllabus but changing our perspective on who is a good person to deliver the curriculum.

Picture
Source; Their Way of Life

2021 Not Stating the Obvious

When my son was in high school, he was given an assignment to write an autobiographical excerpt about a time in his life that was formative. It so happened that we had travelled as a family in a caravan for three months when he was about 10 years old. This experience seemed to be custom made for his assignment.

Both he and his teacher were cautious about this approach for different reasons. His teacher because he felt that writing about visiting a whole bunch of places would not really scratch the surface of who my son was. My son because how do you choose a single experience from such a rich tapestry of stuff? Is canyoning in Karijini national park more life changing than petting a crocodile in Darwin? Or sitting next to rock art in Kakadu that pre-dates any cave painting in Europe? (OK that was probably a stretch. A ten-year-old boy doesn’t care about that kind of thing)

In the end he did write about his trip but not about a particular location that he visited. He wrote about a rather peculiar solution that he invented as a means of having to cope with being in very close proximity to his sister twenty – four hours a day. (Think back of a car, in a caravan or campsite.) His narrative focused on learning to find a way to maintain personal space when being crammed up against blood relatives. In a way it got to the crux of such situations. What we learn when we go on adventures is not just the geography or culture of the place we are visiting. We learn a whole lot of side stuff, how to relate as a family, how to meet foreigners, respect for customs different from ours, respect for the environment. The list is endless.

Fast forward to 2021. I find myself planning another adventure. This one does not involve an eight- and a ten-year-old. Rather it involves a forty-eight-year-old and a fifty-five-year-old that have been married for 22 years. I have posted about our new yacht. I am not entirely sure if I have explicitly stated it on these pages, but our plan is to spend six months of 2021 sailing the Queensland Coast. The details of how we got to this decision are a bit convoluted, but it does involve a compromise, postponing of a long-held pact between Mr Jones and myself, Covid-19 related border issues and ageing relatives.

And so, we will set off somewhere between 10 and 14 April 2021. When I looked at this week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt, “Looking Forward to 2021”, this voyage was an obvious choice to write about. Who doesn’t want to hear about freedom, sun kissed beaches, hidden tropical islands and coral reefs? But that is not what I wanted to write about.

At the inception Mr Jones was very worried about this voyage. He almost DIDN’T sign the bill of sale even though owning a boat like this and sailing to far away places has been his dream for many years. HIS dream, not mine. Herein lies the snag. In the beginning I was a reluctant sailor. I tolerated his fantasy and went along to keep the peace. Over time, as I documented in this post, I was worn down. I learned a little about the mechanics of sailing. I learned a little about navigation. I fell in love with the marine environment.

I was the one that pushed for the purchase of this yacht. My friend and I discussed my change of heart and she said that sometimes wives go into “make it work” mode. We recognise that something is necessary for the happiness of our husbands and families and we make it happen. I think that has happened here. I wasn’t terribly excited about the caravan odyssey that we took our children on when my husband proposed it. In fact, I flat out stated “I am not driving to Western Australia with two kids in the car.”

And then we went. The whole time we wished we could stay longer, see more, do more. It was a life changing experience for everyone. There are times in your life when you are faced with a choice to take a road that most people don’t follow. This is one of the times I am choosing to take the least trodden path. Experience has told me that this choice is not easy but it is the most rewarding.

A forty-foot catamaran seems big, but after a while of not being able to get off and anything can become very small. Land based travel is different. You can go for a walk, get away from the caravan / car and breathe. On a boat it is harder. Mr Jones worries that we will struggle as a couple. It is not an unreasonable thing to worry about. I would be lying if I said that I don’t have some concerns. But I am in “make it work” mode and so I am not letting the concerns stop me. I know that we will work out a way to relate to each other. Both of us are going to do some growing in ways we don’t expect.

So, what am I looking forward to in 2021? I am looking forward to following the path less travelled and seeing what is over the horizon.

And not stabbing my husband to death and dumping him overboard.

Dead Calm - Nicole Kidman as Rae Ingram holding a spear gun by Jim Sheldon  - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)
Source: Australian Broadcasting CorporationT

This post is part of Wicked Wednesday prompt #449 Looking forward to 2021. To see who else is being wicked click here, or on the image below

   

What’s Love got to Do With It?

In this week’s round of TMI Tuesday one of the questions was;

“Agree or Disagree. Sex without love is meaningless”

My answer went on a tangent about the sexual activities of Bonobo Apes. A species that is famous for using sexual interactions a social strategy. The key to the question is really the definition of love. Dictionary.com gives no less than 14 definitions of love as a noun, and a further six as a verb. I won’t bore you with them all but the spectrum ranged from A word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L to a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Sexual passion also made an appearance in more than one of the definitions.

This variety of ideas relating to love is reflected in human ideas about sexual relationships. One of the things that frustrated me early in my marriage with Mr Jones was his often repeated statement that he felt unloved if we weren’t having enough sex. This was confusing to me as I also knew that he, and most other humans, is capable of having sex with people that he DOESN’T love. Fast forward about fifteen years and both of us have had sex with any number of people who we have had various levels of attachment with.

I can confirm that you can have some amazing sex without even knowing the name of the person you are with. You can have some pretty ordinary sex with people who you would call very good friends. You can even have some pretty ordinary sex with your spouse, given the right situation. Perhaps a better question to ask than the one above is; “Does sex have to have some deep meaning to be good?”

My answer is no.

In my world there are two distinct categories of sex. Married sex, and Gemma sex. They can both be amazing and also very bad; it is a question of management. Married sex is about love, connection and affection. It also is accommodating, tolerant and ignores some things that may be a turn off. Things like; having held the person’s head while they threw up, that yesterday you were angry because they went out and left the dishes in the sink and that there is still some deep seated resentment that a life decision made fifteen years ago had a profound effect on a career that you loved.

Married sex is about keeping a level of intimacy that is needed for two people to be able to be in the same room together, alone, without killing each other. As Mr Jones and I prepare to spend six months on a boat together without the buffer of our children this kind of intimacy is important. Otherwise we could be experiencing a Dead Calm kind of situation. Married sex doesn’t have to swing off the rafters but sometimes it does help the situation if you do make that effort.

Gemma sex is a whole different ball game. It is purely about fun, pleasure and there are no compromises. It is not about maintaining a relationship. It is about exploring boundaries and just being a sexual person. It is easier to take risks, consensual of course, because if it doesn’t work out you don’t have to face the person tomorrow. You also don’t have to deal with domestic or relationship kinds of issues. There is no co-habitation. While you may listen with a sympathetic ear to their problems, at the end of the day they are THEIR problems and you don’t have to worry about them.

Does this kind of sex have no meaning? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It generally has no ROMANTIC meaning but there is often a connection and if you continue to see the person a friendship can form. Pushing past boundaries is significant to some people and can change you as a person. Having a random stranger with no need to maintain a relationship worshipping you can definitely improve your confidence.

At the end of the day sex is a bodily function like eating and sleeping. These things can also have deep, abiding meaning or just be something we did yesterday. Why should sex be any different?

My Ironically Monogamous Brain

I wrote a post a while back about my biological theory relating to the behaviour and fascination with Alpha males. In it I espoused my theory about the reasons why women are so strongly attracted to Alpha Males even though many of them are quite toxic to be around for any length of time.

I believe that the idea of monogamy was something invented by weaker men who wanted to ensure that they could capture a female and keep her at his beck and call for as long as he liked. Mr Jones and I are currently watching the Netflix series The Tudors.

In this drama based on the events during the reign of King Henry VII n overwhelming amount of thought is given by the characters to which women will marry which men. In this society marriage is many things, a political tool, a strategic maneuver and a way to beget offspring that will inherit. Women’s value is placed on their attractiveness and their ability to bear children, particularly male children. Their purity is also of key importance. They must appear to only have sex with one man or their value is completely lost and they will never be able to secure a good marriage.

It is out of this mess of religious influence over political thought that our modern ideas of monogamy emerged. Today marriage does not have the same strategic value it once did and male heirs are definitely a thing of the past, Gina Reinhart is an amazing Australian example of this. But we cling to our ideal of monogamy. Even in a relationship that shuns the idea of formal marriage and religious ideas of purity until marriage we still cling desperately to monogamy.

I never really understood completely how deeply and firmly monogamy is entrenched into our psyche until I had a lightbulb moment while reading a message from a follower. In it he describes his experience with a woman he is seeing outside his marriage. It is his first experience of non-monogamy, so to speak. What grabbed my attention was his mention of how he felt uncomfortable with his new lover’s openness about other men she was seeing.

His words struck a chord in my brain. I too feel this way sometimes. It is a little confronting when a lover shares some details of other lovers during conversation. When a man I am seeing is not available to me because he has other commitments I get a little jealous.

Which is weird really. I mean I am going home to my husband after I finish with them aren’t I? They would be foolish to think that they are the only extramarital dalliance I have entertained. They just have to go on a scroll through these pages. So who am I to think I am the only person who takes up their attention? It is ironic, stupid and evidence of the deep rooted ideas that are planted in everyone’s brain by Disney and the likes.

Every woman wants to be a princess and the complete apple of some man’s eye. Every man wants to be the knight in shining armour who captures the heart and undying devotion of the woman he chooses. I mean even Fifty Shades of Grey follows this formula. And so even when I am with someone outside of my marriage. When I am fucking Lancelot with the full knowledge of King Arthur, so to speak, I feel jealous because Lancelot also spends time with Jenny the chambermaid.

The non-monogamist in me is strongly cynical of this kind of ideal. It grates against my conscious mind. My mind knows it is dumb. My heart is still wanting to be the complete focus of the man in front of me. My ego cannot completely cope with not being the complete focus of the man in front of me. It seems it will take some time to catch the heart and the ego up with my enlightened mind.