1. What is the most expensive thing you have purchased that was not worth the price?
I bought a pair of shoes last week. I still am not in the habit of doing regular land based things so I didn’t check the price before deciding to buy them. Not sure what was happening there but when the sales assistant rang up the price it was higher than I would have considered reasonable at the time. I didn’t have the brain space to argue so I just paid and walked out the shop. They are leather shoes and I will wear them a lot so I am just telling myself that is enough to justify the price.
2. Has money ever ruined a relationship for you?
Not really. Money is something that I use and I am relatively careful with but it isn’t something that drives life decisions for me. I haven’t had a relationship that was dictated by money issues ever so I guess I am lucky.
3. What is a cheap thing you own that just makes you SO happy?
The cardigan I am wearing as I type this. I got it from the sale rack. It was damaged but it is so soft and cuddly. I love wearing it.
4. What is the most toxic quality about you?
I have inherited some of my mother’s passive aggressive tendencies. I am relatively skilled at inducing guilt in the people who care about me. I am super conscious about not turning into her so I try really hard but it slips out sometimes.
5. Why do you not like to talk about money?
Because for many people seeing someone with something they don’t have but think they want causes them to be jealous and negative. I don’t want to be judged or thought of as a snob.
When we purchased our yacht the question a lot of my teacher friends asked was “How much did it cost?” I could hear the unspoken question of “How did you afford that?” as they asked. I never told anyone how much it was. My standard response was “Enough”. Most people were happy to leave it at that. I didn’t want to advertise to my colleagues that I work primarily for reasons other than to pay my bills.
Bonus: What is the craziest thing you have done for love?
Bought a boat that cost the same as a house, took unpaid leave from my job and spent six months sailing the Queensland coast. I got a lot out of it and it changed me for life but ultimately this voyage was about me compromising with Mr Jones.
That was such a long time ago. My high school years were spent at boarding school. My parents were very conservative and my mother was extremely controlling. I pretty much didn’t have a social life that went outside of school. I did manage to meet up with some boys at McDonalds from time to time. I guess that counts doesn’t it?
2. Which gift would you like to receive most from your significant other: a. $10,000 Diamond b. $10,000 vacation c. $5000 in cash
I am currently on a vacation which in real terms probably cost in excess of $10 000 and our cash is completely merged so Mr Jones giving me a cash gift is kind of moot. A $10 000 diamond would be kind of nice but I feel that all of these gifts are a bit of a cop out. I would rather something that he put some thought into. Something very personal that he remembered me admiring but not really asking for. In all honesty that probably won’t happen but the fantasy is nice.
3. Fill in the blank: The day I get/got married _____ .
My wedding was dominated by a very controlling parent. Most of the guests at my wedding were their friends and people they felt obliged to invite. My mother made my dress, I was allowed some input but in all honesty it was all about her. The one thing I remember was deciding on the morning of the wedding that I was going to enjoy myself regardless of what other people wanted. And I did.
If I had it over again it would be different and I don’t even know if I would invite her.
4. What is the first thing your significant other notices about someone attractive walking down the street?
I don’t think Mr Jones has a feature that he specifically looks at. It is more about the overall package. He does have a preference for blondes though.
5. Which adjective category best describes you? a. Sophisticated b. Down home, down to earth c. Sensuous
I am going with b. I consider myself to be pretty low maintenance. Most people I know tell me I am very straight forward and tell it like it is.
Bonus: What is the worst thing you or someone could eat in bed?
The honest answer, not much really. I have almost everything a girl could possibly want. The only thing that would possibly tick a different box is a dominant play friend.
Mr Jones is not entirely keen on this idea. He says that a man who is capable of dominating me is probably not a very nice person and therefore he wouldn’t be happy with me seeing him. He does have a point. I don’t take well to someone restraining me or denying me something I have decided I want. Particularly when it comes to sex. In my professional life I have a reputation for being tolerant and patient with difficult people. In my sex life I don’t have time for that shit. I want what I want and I want it NOW. If you say no to me then I will go find it somewhere else.
So even though I fantasise about a man strong enough to make me wait. I haven’t actually done a lot about finding him. Mostly because I don’t want to sort through the idiots on adult dating websites who call themselves Dominant. The majority of these are there to massage their own egos. I definitely don’t want that.
My recent experience with The Second Mate did take me down that path. He was not beyond pushing me to do things his way and making me wait upon his pleasure. I would very much have liked more time with him to see where things would have ended up but sadly it was not to be. I don’t think it will be easy to find someone like that again.
And so I fantasise some more. But I am not about to spend a lot of time looking. The right person will come along at the right time.
It is a wet and windy afternoon here in cruising yacht paradise and not the fun kind of wet. It has been four days since I set foot on land and about six since I had an in-person conversation with someone other than Mr Jones. Cabin fever may have some influence on my answers.
1. What’s the most stressful thing in your life right now
Apart from the aforementioned weather the announcement today that our delightful premier has announced a three day lockdown for the city that we are planning to visit in three days. Fingers crossed that it doesn’t get extended. Fingers also crossed that our friend who is meeting us there is able to travel from his city which is also part of the lockdown.
2. True or False. The best way to get over an ex is to get under someone new.
You know it has been so long since I have had an ex as such that I really don’t know. Getting under someone new is always fun though.
3. Is rebound sex empowering or does it leave you feeling lonelier?
Sex for the benefit of someone other than yourself is never going to end well. Whether it is to make the person you are having sex with happy or to make another person jealous it is never going to end well. The only way sex is empowering is if you are doing it for yourself on your terms.
4. Would you rather watch porn every night forever or never watch porn again?
One of my Thirty Dirty Questions discussed my thoughts on porn. You can read about it here. Personally having to watch porn every night forever sounds like torture. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t miss it if I never saw it again.
5. Would you rather go to bed alone forever or share a bed with someone forever?
Well I am married to Mr Jones. He has this thing about wanting to share a bed with me because he thinks it is part of being married. So I guess I am stuck with sharing a bed.
Bonus: You must pick one and explain. Would you rather your mom or your ex set up and run your dating apps?
Anyone except my mother. The further my mother is away from my sex life the better. Really the further she is away from most of my life the better.
As a person in an open relationship who is actively seeking partners I spend a lot of time dating. I don’t mean the awkward dinners that are portrayed on “First Dates”. I am talking about the internet style hook – up type dating. I use a website that is specifically for swingers and I avoid mainstream dating websites like Tinder. My main reasoning for that is to protect my privacy and avoid being outed by someone in my professional life. There is a part of me that is curious to see what would happen if I set up a Tinder account but I am not brave enough yet.
The thing with any dating app whether the user is seeking a soulmate or a one night stand it seems that there is a surplus of males and a seemingly tiny number of receptive females. I hear stories from men about meeting women who get inundated with hundreds of messages. So many that it is impossible for them to reply. That has not been my experience. I am almost fifty, I am married and state clearly I am looking for a man who is comfortable being naked in front of my husband. That in itself seems to weed out a lot.
Despite that I do get attention. I could never hope to meet every man that messages me even those that might be attractive to me or interested in similar activities. If I did meet every man that is attractive and interested I would never get out of bed. I have to narrow the field somehow. I have to make some choices and let others fall by the wayside. I can make arbitrary rules like “If you don’t have a picture in your bio” or “If your initial message is full of Text speak like HowRU” then you don’t make the cut. But I still have to talk to a lot of men who are never going to get in my panties, so to speak.
I have posted before about disappointments. About spending the time talking, exchanging pics, building up some attraction and tension, arranging to meet and then…. Crickets. It is at these times I wonder about my selection process. Should I change my criteria? Am I looking in the wrong place? Is there something I missed? Sometimes I nod in recognition of something that did raise itself but I ignored because he looked hot / I was busy / I was horny etc. Sometimes I am mystified. Sometimes it is the universe saving me from myself. Sometimes I meet some amazing people, like Johnny.
Of late I am with Mr Jones 24 / 7. He sees everything I do which is something he didn’t at home. He doesn’t have a problem with it but I think it has been a bit of an eye opener for him. We have had more open conversations about what each other is wanting / needing. It has been a time of growth for both of us. He has a better understanding of some of my frustrations and the process of making things happen. A lot of times with our lifestyle we discuss an idea and then it happens with little legwork from him. He very rarely puts in the work of building a connection and discussing possibilities with anyone except me.
For me I have a better grip on what he wants but also on how he feels about what I do. The monogamy habit still overshadows things for me sometimes. There is often a lurking fear that I will hurt Mr Jones or damage our relationship. Spending this time with him and discussing different scenarios has helped me to see that he is truly fine with most things as long as he is confident that I am taking him into consideration. I am “allowed” to be slutty and impulsive and have sex with someone I ran into without protracted negotiation and consent from him. He likes the idea of something like that happening and finding out about it later. It is something I am getting used to. I am not quite ready to do something like that but I guess the time will come.
Like everything in this life things are constantly evolving and changing. There are things that we do now that we would not have done even two years ago. I have no doubt there will be other things that we will add to our repertoire over time and still others that will be struck off the list. It is all a question of balance really.
This post was written for Wicked Wednesday prompt #472 “Balance” to see who else is sharing click the button below.
Something that struck me when I looked at this image was my wedding ring. Often I notice it in images taken when I am playing. I remember once a lover telling me that it was the sexiest thing I was wearing because it meant I belonged to another man and that man was allowing me to be with him. Ever since then I have always noticed my ring in images. It makes me think about the unconventional nature of my marriage and how fortunate I am that I found myself here.
In this image I am performing oral sex on Mr Jones because he indicated he would like me to give him a “road head job” while he was driving the yacht. Not one to deny him a fantasy I complied when the opportunity arose. He enjoyed it but not so much that he forgot to capture the moment!
Question 4: What do you think about when you masturbate?
This is an interesting question. I don’t masturbate a lot. I grew up in a repressed Catholic environment. Sex was not discussed. Touching yourself was strongly discouraged. Anything to do with exploring your body was strongly discouraged. As an adult I have gotten past a lot of hurdles related to this up bringing but masturbating is not one of them.
I guess part of my aversion to it has been re-enforced by the pop culture stereotype of men masturbating because they could not have real sex. Somewhere in the twisted canals of my brain the idea that masturbating is the desperate furtive act of a person denied their sexual needs took root. My Catholic upbringing also attempted to entrench in me that women should not enjoy sex. This idea did not take root thankfully but I was very cautious about displaying my rejection of it. Because there is this idea in the world of popular culture that women shouldn’t appear to like sex but a good wife will provide it. So her man doesn’t have to masturbate???
OK so I had some twisted ideas that stayed with me until I was well into my thirties. I don’t even want to discuss the “blue pill” thinking that dominated my early marriage. I am past a lot of that now but I still don’t masturbate a lot. Privacy is a problem in our house. I have two adult children who don’t always understand the concept of privacy. Along with two elderly parents who also just trot on into our part of the house when it suits them. Getting time to myself when I know I won’t be interrupted to relax and do something like masturbating it is very infrequent.
As I get older and read more blogs, I am becoming more relaxed about it. But the time when I am most likely to masturbate is when I can’t sleep. This process is just a way to get my body to relax. I love the afterglow feeling which I also get with sex. The difference with sex is often I don’t get to lie quietly and enjoy it until I go to sleep. There is other people and other things happening.
What do I think about when I do masturbate? I don’t have a go to scenario or story. Sometimes I think about activities that I would like to try. Double penetration for example. I fantasise about being taken from behind while I am riding Mr Jones. Other times my fantasies are about domination. Or about being in control of my partner and making him fulfil my every wish with no guilt about not pleasing him. I have not taken a man’s arse for a long time but it does entice me. I love the thought of holding a beautiful arse in my palms as I penetrate him. I have the power. There are others but often they are fragmented and fleeting. They don’t stay in my mind long enough to take root.
Sometimes I think about a recent encounter with a lover. Images of their face or the sound of their pleasure trigger a response in me. I remember the feeling of their hands on me or their face pressed between my thighs. Replaying favourite moments of time together is enticing and can give me deep pleasure.
And with that I think I may need some alone time.
If you want to read answers to other questions you can use the links at my Thirty Dirty Questions page to find related posts.
I blogged recently about Red pill versus blue pill thinking from a male perspective. Or rather a woman’s ideas about a man changing from a blue pill to a red pill thinker. I have also explained my thoughts about the biology of female attraction to Alpha males as opposed to their entrapment of betas. It would be generalising to say that all men who are Alphas are red pill men and all betas are blue pill but the similarities are there. All this is awesome but can a woman “Choose the Red pill”?
I think the answer is yes. There are women out there who are stronger and more dominant than others. I am not talking about the Karens of the world here. I am talking about the women who command respect through achievement and integrity, not through being the one who will complain to the manager or is the queen bee of her friendship group.
Several years ago, I was part of a group of mothers who all had children in the same year level at the primary school that The Unicorn attended with her brother. We celebrated several girls’ nights. Which were essentially shared meals at a local pub where alcohol was consumed, and gossip swapped. At the time I was blogging, and I had just started studying Education. I was a bit more relaxed about hiding my lifestyle and several of these women knew about my writing, if not the more sordid details of my ‘after dark’ persona.
The conversations on these evenings were varied and often controversial. Something I found amusing. When it came to sex there was not a “type” among us. One member of the group would be what many would call prudish. Sex was not her thing, porn was confusing to her and her knowledge of the female body, including her own, was limited. She found our different ideas and experiences interesting but still maintained sex was not for her. Perhaps she was asexual? Another member of the group fell into the more common stereotype. That is, she complained about how her husband “harassed her” for sex. Interestingly there was another woman who complained about the exact opposite.
There is a train of thought that suggests that all of us should have been entering our sexual prime. We were still young, fit, and healthy. Our children had started school and the constant grind of dealing with small children was lessening. We no longer had to micromanage every moment of the lives of small beings and our partners were more than capable of stepping up. Clearly because we were out together completely free of children and husbands and the need to think about what was for dinner or if everyone ate it. This was our time.
A woman who was strong could take that opportunity to become a Red pill woman. In the movie that spawned the Red vs blue ideal, The Matrix; the female lead, Trinity, is the epitome of a Red Pill woman. She is a true badass and can look after herself. She is not afraid to tell men to go fuck themselves when they are not strong enough for her taste. Additionally, she has and amazing wardrobe! Our culture supresses women like this. We fill little girl’s heads with Disney stories that all revolve around women seeking their prince charming and finding their forever love. Even more modern versions of Disney Princesses such as Rapunzel and Elsa still have a love interest as a primary goal. Despite all of the hype that they were pioneers, breaking the Disney mould.
But amongst our little group there were women who were still playing the victim. Complaining about how demanding their husbands are or how weak they are. It is a trap that is easy to fall into, sitting with a group of women making fun of the men in the world. Laughing at how stupid, inept and generally disappointing they are. A woman who was my hairdresser for many years would complain how her husband never let his sons take dance classes “because it was gay!” (not going to touch that topic as offensive as it is). Her complaint was that he was turning his sons into the kind of men who sat around got drunk and said and did stupid stuff. Not a desirable feature I will admit but the irony of this situation is that her husband WAS that guy and SHE married him.
Choosing the red pill is not about totally opposing everything in your life that you don’t like. It is not about trying to change other people; that is impossible. It is about changing yourself. It is about making yourself happy. Women are notorious for not asking directly for what they want or worse, downplaying the importance of what they want, and then complaining when they don’t get what they want. Even something as simple as saying “no” when they are approached by a man is out of some women’s capabilities. We deflect and make excuses and then complain when he doesn’t get the hint.
For women choosing the Red pill is about owning what you want. A Red pill woman doesn’t make excuses. She says no, and she doesn’t take other people’s crap. When she is asked, she will tell you what she wants and if you aren’t up to it she will also tell you. Red pill women don’t complain about their appearance or their bodies. They are proud. So, what if I am curvy? I like cake and curves are sexy. If there is something I want to change then I will change it in my own time, in my own way. So what if you don’t like something about me? Your ideas about me are actually none of my business.
Changing or maintaining your thinking is difficult. It takes work. It often requires you to cut ties with people who are firmly entrenched in the negative, blue pill, way. Sometimes you have to physically avoid certain situations so you don’t get sucked in to that hole. But at the end of the day it is definitely worth it.
My friend Mike over at Marriage Sex and More often writes about his journey through changing his approach to his sex life. This journey has taken him from being a classic “blue pill” thinker to more of a “red pill” guy. The resulting change in attitude and confidence has resulted in a complete 180 degree turn around in many areas of his life in particular his marriage. As a woman I find his ideas a little confronting. As a wife I find myself nodding along. For men who are in marriages that are sexless and unsatisfactory what he has to say is invaluable. Confronting but invaluable.
Mike’s idea of “Blue pill” vs “Red pill” thinking is interesting. In his view “blue pill” thinking is taking on pressures placed on men, often by feminists, to be more sensitive and to suppress men’s tendencies to be strong, and in some ways dominating. A blue pill guy is married to the system, does every thing he can to meet his wife’s demands, all the while complaining that he never gets enough sex and that women are bitches. Mike’s reformation came about when he refused to be the sensitive new age guy type and became a “Red pill” thinker. Strong, happy with himself and more in control of his life. I have summarised here, you really need to read the way he explains it.
As I read a recent post summarising the changes in his approach and his wife’s approach to oral sex many things resonated with me. I come across men every day in the world of the internet who are dealing with being sexually repressed in one way or another. All of them will complain at length about their wives not being on board with their sexual fantasies. All of them tell me that they are keen to be amazing in bed, that they love licking pussy, that they have endless stamina yada yada.
While I have not tested them all I have enough experience to tell you that
to me, to their wives, to themselves.
When it comes to licking pussy most men are, well, pussies. They will do it for a short while as a means to get to the main course. Once they have ticked the box, they don’t go back. They don’t listen to subtle direction, they don’t assess how their partner is responding and they don’t give the impression that they are actually enjoying it. When it comes to the main course, again it is all about them hitting their goals. Stamina is relative. For some five minutes is a long time to have sex. And yes it can be a long time if you are fucking someone who is using you as a place to shove their dick.
It is a generalisation but many of the men I encounter who are using a poor sex life as an excuse for cheating have one thing in common. They do not take responsibility for their problem. They see themselves as a victim. Blue pill thinking. Everything in their life is someone else’s fault. Mostly their wife’s. This goes further to them thinking they are owed something. That the other women they are seeking are going to just fit with their fantasies, ideas and availability. In short, she is going to supply him with everything he wants that he is not getting now. Because, of course, if one woman is refusing to comply she is definitely the one with the problem.
A casual read of Mike’s posts might lead a man to think that paying scant attention to what his woman wants is all part of the Red Pill mentality. That to be a Red pill man all you have to do is focus on demanding what you want and it will come along. There is no such thing as a free lunch. Just demanding what you want in a loud voice is the kind of thing a two year old does. If his parent is doing their job they will promptly remind their entitled child that life is not about waiting for your privileges to fall from the sky it is about EARNING them. The focus is not on what you WANT but what you ARE.
Instead of complaining that your wife is not attracted to you how about considering making yourself more attractive to her? There have been times when I have had to look at myself. I fell in the blue pill rabbit hole and felt that Mr Jones was not doing it for me. A good hard look in the mirror told me I was also not doing it for HIM. It has taken time and much trial and error but these days I have a reasonably good idea of what does it for him (I think). The question is mostly not what to do but motivating myself to make the effort. Because it does take effort.
Mr Jones often talks about the cycle of not being attractive. How one partner’s inadequacy feeds the inadequacy of the other and around and around it spirals. His idea is correct. Breaking the cycle is hard. It takes one partner to go out on a limb. Of course if the other doesn’t follow then you are possibly flogging a dead horse. It is just a question of how long you want the limb to be and if they don’t follow do you go back to where you were or move on?
At the end of the day marriage is not a free ride. There is never a time to coast and there is never a time to lie back and be worshipped as a perfect specimen of a spouse. Good relationships take work. Sometimes the rewards are not instant. Sometimes the rewards are not exactly what you wanted. But do you honestly want to be a victim at the mercy of other people? Is that really what you want?
I will start this post by stating that I am not in a D/s relationship and probably won’t ever engage in a formal D/s relationship, but I do sometimes employ some softer elements into my sexual play. Not the same thing I know.
For me submission is about relinquishing control. About not having to make decisions about what is going to happen. If someone is dominating me, I am free to focus on my response to the situation. I will say that my response to authority often features two extremes. I like to follow rules, I like structure. I will follow a rule and conform to a set of expectations while I think they are reasonable and the person issuing the rules is making them from a place of intelligence.
If I feel that the person issuing the rules is not intelligent or is making rules to suit their own stupid agenda, then my compliance is at best sullen and more frequently bratty and devious. Like all people I will look for a loophole or straight out defy. It is a very childish response, but I have been known to flip the bird behind the back of someone in authority when they give an instruction, I find particularly irritating.
During sex I will sometimes comply with a reasonable request. If I feel it has been framed appropriately. On the flip side I sometimes like to be in control, call the shots and put my partner into positions and situations that I choose. I am turned on by having power over someone. If they resist, they will earn themselves a spank in the moment but not a fully constructed punishment.
For me, discipline and punishment are not things that are part of my sex life. They are part of my vanilla life. I am a teacher, discipline is a daily thing for me. But not in the way that most people think. When I think of discipline, I think of maintaining a routine and a set of expectations. Students, and humans in general, are compliant when they know what to expect. Most people will be much calmer and happier if they have a good understanding of what they can expect when they take a certain course of action. To me discipline is about being consistent in your response to a situation.
My daughter explains to people regularly, “When Mum says no it is no.” This is a big part of being disciplined. Having a consistent set of responses to situations. Following a particular way of thinking consistently; making a plan or set of rules and sticking to it. Sometimes it is hard and tiring to do that. It is tempting to short cut the rules or the plan. Doing this will result in hardship later. People in your charge will become unruly and difficult to handle if they know they can get you to change an unpopular policy simply by questioning, whining or having a tantrum. It takes effort to enforce a plan at the start but over time that enforcement becomes habit and is easier. It is met with less resistance amongst the troops because they see the plan working in everyone’s favour.
Punishment has never been a feature of my life as a Sex Goddess, a teacher or a parent. Consequences is the approach I use. When my own children were small I would often say to them;
“You can do that if you want to but if you do then X is going to happen”
This then becomes part of the discipline circuit. A consistent set of rules and follow through. I stated how I would respond, and they can make their own choice. In a classroom the same thing happens. Once I had a student who would invariably ask “So what are we doing?” just when I had finished giving the instructions and everyone was getting on with the task. It drove me bananas. The class knew it and they all conformed to listen when I was explaining the task, except him.
One day I remember him starting to ask the inevitable question and his new girlfriend shushing him as the words started. She hurriedly repeated the instructions and urged him to get on with it. She understood the discipline thing even if he didn’t. Perhaps the consequence of not complying with her was more dire for him than not complying with me. Whatever, that habit did change with her help. Teenage boys really do think with their small brain most of the time.
People sometimes ask if I am the dominant in my relationship with Mr Jones. The answer is a very firm no. I don’t believe that kind of dynamic would be healthy in OUR relationship. I have no doubt he would very much enjoy it. He doesn’t like making decisions and having someone calling all the shots would make his life much easier. As I explained I spend my day making the decisions and calling the shots for a bunch of teenagers. It is exhausting. I don’t want to come home and do the same thing.
2021 in the classroom for me is about a bit of tightening in the discipline department. One of my classes this year is a year 7 class. They are in their first year of high school and traditionally are unruly and have an inflated sense of their own importance. Consistent expectations and consequences are important in training them to navigate high school successfully and with minimal drama.
This post is part of the current 4 Thoughts or Fiction meme “Discipline and Punishment” To see some other thoughts on the topic head click on the image below.