Honestly I have never come across a bath that comfortably holds two people. So I would prefer to have my bath by myself. Showers however are a different story. My ideal shower partner would be someone like Channing Tatum.
Like who wouldn’t want someone like that to wash your body before fucking you against the wall of the shower.
2. You are, on a motorcycle, riding hard down a country road, wind in your hair. Who is the hottie on the bike with you? Are you riding or driving?
Riding definitely. The driver (that doesn’t seem to be the right term) would be Arnold Schwarzenegger of course as a Terminator. Because who wouldn’t like a terminator as your escort.
3. Baking naked–who is kneading your dough? 😉
I gotta say that naked baking seems hazardous. Anything hot near naked bits makes me nervous. But I would definitely choose the sexiest celebrity chef, Nigella Lawson.
4. Come sail away, come sail away, come and sail away with me! Who is joining you for a sexy sea adventure?
I do enjoy the occasional sailing adventure with Mr Jones. Even though we have discussed it several times we have never been able to get third, or fourth, person to join us for some nude adult fun on the water. At the moment I am discussing the possibilities with a sexy guy I am seeing but given our track record of organising these events we will see what pans out.
5. “I got your back.” Hands down who do you fully support, stick by no matter what, Who are you willing to help at all costs?
Absolutely would have to be Mr Jones. If you can’t say that you will stick by your husband of 19 years then you have some serious issues. If you don’t stick together when you are raising teenagers then they will take over your life.
Bonus: Belly button–inny or outty? Are you going to show us? 😀
My belly button is part of the area of my body that I like the least. If you want to see my belly button then who am I to argue with you? You are most welcome to visit my previous post, Sunday Selfie.
I took this photo to prove to a friend that I have not faded away to a shadow. Recently I have been “dieting” because I felt I needed to lose a certain amount of weight. I am very opposed to the idea of dieting and so my “diet” is really more of a much needed adjustment to eating habits.
My friend is adamant that I don’t need to lose weight but my doctor thinks differently. I think my body will always tend towards the full and curvy type. Which I am becoming more comfortable with as I age.
It has been a very long while since I participated in Wicked Wednesday. In fact it has been a long while since I wrote any fiction. I am glad that I decided to challenge myself for the six weeks of the Christmas Holidays. I hope you also enjoy my first piece of fiction in a long time.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us mum?” Alex’s piercing blue eyes shone with excitement as he looked up at his mother. Clare’s heart welled up as she reached down and stroked her son’s hair.
“No,” she replied gently, “Mummy has a few things she needs to do this afternoon. I am sure that you will have a great time watching The Avengers with Aunty Sue.” She glanced over at her younger sister who replied with a wry smile. Sue was the tomboy of the family and nothing pleased her more than introducing her nephew to the joys of superhero movies and their gratuitous violence.
“C’mon mate,” she reached for Alex’s hand, “we need to give ourselves enough time to get popcorn and frozen cokes.”
And with that they were gone. For a moment Clare stood stock still in the middle of her kitchen listening to the sound of the car reversing down the driveway before an unusual hush fell over the house. The walls that reverberated all day with Alex’s constant chatter and noisy play fell silent, the toys that were strewn over the lounge room floor seemed to collapse into an exhausted stupor. Clare assessed the state of the kitchen, breakfast and lunch dishes were stacked on the sink waiting for the dishwashing fairy to come and deal with them. Instinctively Clare moved towards the sink but a whisper of something at the back of her mind drew her attention to the swimming pool outside. Warm sun glinted on the water and for some reason she noticed the sun lounger sitting empty beside the pool. In her mind the whisper became louder, urging her to ignore her chores.
A feeling of lethargy came over her and Clare began to feel like the toys in the lounge room; spent and empty of energy from being constantly in the presence of an excitable four year old. The sun lounger beckoned and Clare found herself moving towards the back door. Without consciously deciding she opened the sliding door and stepped out into the entertaining area. She paused for a moment beside the table to deposit her house dress and white t-shirt bra. Without thinking she hooked her thumbs into the waist of her knickers but caught herself in time. Nervously she glanced at the gap in the hedge that gave her a clear view of her neighbour’s deck, of course no one was home. What sane person would be home in the middle of the day? The whispering voice in her urged her to be naked in the sun. Without another moment’s contemplation she complied.
The sun was delicious warming her skin, reminding her of days spent lying on beaches without having to worry about a child. Her nipples hardened as a sneaky breeze caressed her skin, unconsciously she opened her thighs slightly and let tbreeze caress her inner thighs. Her mind drifted away to unfamiliar eroticism. Her neighbour appeared at her side kneeling on the pavers beside her whispering in her ear. She couldn’t really hear what he was saying but the feel of his hot breath on her neck made her lift her hips towards him. His whispers became clearer,
“Such beautiful breasts,” his hand stroked the skin on the side of her breast before he trailed his fingers towards her firm, erect nipple. He took the dark pink peak between his finger and thumb and squeezed it gently. A jolt of sensation shot from her breast through her belly and a small gasp escaped her lips.
“Such beautiful sensitive nipples,” he pitched her again, harder this time, before pulling her peak upwards, the sensation was intense and Clare found herself squirming on the warm plastic of the sun bed. Between her thighs she felt a a slow throb. As if he read her thoughts her neighbour trailed his fingers downwards over the small mound of her belly to stroke her thighs upwards. Her hips arched upwards, urging him closer to her throbbing cunt. With a small smile he teased her, stroking the mound of hair above her slit and tracing the line of her labia, wetness trickled out of her and a single word escaped her lips,
“Please,” she wanted to grasp his hand and shove it inside her but he held her wrist firmly.
“You have such nice manners,” his voice was hot on her neck before he bent down and touched her nipple with his toungue. As he lowered his lips down over her aureola his finger slid inside her opening teasing the sensitive spot just inside before sliding upwards over her swollen throbbing folds to gently touch her hard clit. He circled his finger around her clit before dipping it back into her well, juices flowed out of her covering his hand.
“Someone is very horny,” his voice was almost a purr in her ear before he stood up beside her. He really was a magnificent man, his bare chest glistened in the sun as he hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his green board shorts and slid them down over his narrow hips. Jutting out in front of his his cock was tipped with a small bead of moisture.
“See what you do to me,” he grinned down at her.
Clare was unable to think of anything to say she reached up and touched the tip of his cock, smearing the slippery liquid over the sensitive head. It was his turn to moan in pleasure as her hand gripped the warm hardness of his shaft. Her hand moved up and down pulling him towards her. For a few moments he allowed his cock to touch her lips, long enough for her tongue to taste the saltiness of his pre-cum before he pulled away to kneel between her thighs. He rested his cock against her opening teasing her before he slid himself slowly inside her filling her hungry wet cunt. The slow filling sent intense sensations shooting through her before he touched her clit with his thumb.
She could hear his rough breathing matching her own small moans of pleasure as he thrust into her in time with the circling of his thumb around her clit. Pressure was building in both of them she could hear his breathing become rougher as he thruster harder and faster. Her hips arched upwards towards him pressing her clit against the slap of his belly .his fingers gripped her hips breaching her against his strength. Suddenly he held her firmly against him as he groaned in pleasure, in her cunt she could feel the throbbing of his cock as it emptied cum into her hungry cunt. A slight touch from his thumb sent her over the edge with him, moaning and writhing through the intense orgasm.
A screen door slammed. Clare’s eyes flew open. Groggily she looked around slowly coming to the realisation that it had been a dream. Her thighs were slick with moisture, testament to how vivid the fantasy had been. Feeling slightly guilty she glanced through the gap in the hedge. Standing on the deck holding beer and gazing out into his back yard stood her neighbour, clad only in a pair of green board shorts.
1. What do you find sexiest in a woman?
I am a bit of a boob fan. If a woman is dressed in such a way that you catch a nice glimpse of her cleavage or a bit of side boob then I am definitely going to be interested. I a less cliched way I am also often taken in by a woman’s mouth. I love full lips and nice teeth. They don’t have to be perfect and I don’t really go for a gap but something about the way her mouth moves makes me want to kiss her. And kissing a woman is very very sexy.
2. What do you find least sexy in a man?
An interesting question. When I first glanced through these questions I thought i was going to be waxing lyrical about tall well built, preferably bald, bulls but on closer inspection….
So unsexiness is definitely mostly linked to personality. A man who needs to “grow a set”, an Australian euphemism that you can read about here, is a massive turn off. The other thing that sends me packing is poor hygiene, body odour, greasy hair and reeking of cigarettes.
3. Have you ever been the other woman or man? Would you do it again?
I have to a certain extent been in this position a couple of times. Cruising around swingers websites looking for ‘single’ men is kind of asking for trouble. I do not judge anyone for the way they choose to run their relationship. However I choose not to be in a position where I can’t freely message or otherwise contact the person I am fucking. I also choose not to be in a position whereby play dates get cancelled at the last minute because the wife or girlfriend has changed her plans. So to answer the question I would not knowingly become involved as the ‘other woman’.
4. Who puts more into a romantic relationship you or your significant other?
This is a bit of a loaded question. In general people, male and female, always perceive their effort to be greater than someone else’s in a given situation. Additionally women tend to have different priorities from men in a relationship which means they perceive they are putting in more effort because they don’t notice what the male is doing.
Having said all that I do feel I put in more effort in that it seems to be my responsibility to make dates happen and make plans for holidays etc. This has been an issue for us but we are working on it and making some progress.
I don’t have one of these, mainly because I have not worked at my current job/profession long enough to have formed such a relationship. Or perhaps it is because I am just damned hard to get along with. I don’t know.
Mr Jones however does. Funnily enough his work wife is a woman he employed to help him out with his business after we had dated her as a couple for a while. The sex has definitely gone out of the the relationship but the friendship still remains. What I love the most about Mr Jones’ work wife is that she doesn’t put up with any of his crap. Something he definitely needed.
Bonus: Are you in a healthy relationship? What makes you think so?
I believe my marriage is healthy for several reasons;
- It is long term. In 2018 Mr Jones and I will celebrate out 20th wedding anniversary
- It is successful; we are debt free, we have accumulated wealth as a partnership on our own merit.
- We disagree but we don’t fight; raised voices between Mr Jones and myself are extremely rare. When they happen it is a strong sign for both of us to sit up and pay close attention to the problem. Our children recognise this and correctly interpret a raised voice as a sign that things are not right.
- We trust each other; both of us regularly have sex with other partners. There is always open and honest communication around this situation any distrust or jealousy always stems from suspicions about the motivation of the third party.
Bonus, bonus: Is the “work spouse” strictly a U.S. American anomaly (they do spend an insane amount of hours at work)? One study found 32% of Americans admitted to having a work spouse.
I guess my answer to number 5 shows that the term ‘work wife’ is in common use in Australia as well as the US. I am not sure if that is a sign that ‘work wife’ is truly an international term or if Australians watch too much American television.
As always for more TMI goodness make sure you hit up the TMI Tuesday website.
At a small social gathering on Saturday night a couple of women were discussing the changes that happened to their body when they turned 40. I was slightly amused to listen to their comments partly because they seemed to have the belief that the changes happened because they had passed their 40th birthday and partly because I was curious to investigate if these things applied to me. One of the changes that I was most concerned about was the idea that your breast fall completely to the side when you are lying down. My breasts have always been a source of vanity for me and I was pleased to notice that while there was some falling my nipples still point upwards rather than sideways.
The photo above doesn’t really show this well but it does show a pleasing curve rather than flatness. Thank you very much pole dancing.
Recently I have joked to a couple of my chat friends that I am thinking about becoming celibate. They think the concept is hilarious. In their minds and probably in their fantasies I am still the sex goddess I was when they met me. I guess in some ways I am. In many others I am not.
The last couple of years have seen a lot of changes in my life. I think, finally, I have become a grownup. I have a real job; one where I have to be responsible all the time. I am currently the only person in my household that actually has a full time job so in some ways I am kind of the breadwinner. No not really, that would be too much grown up even for me. For the first time in a long time I am thinking about the future and the direction that I want to steer my life. Probably the most grown up thing a person can do.
What, I hear you ask, have either of those things got to do with not being a sex goddess? The answer is actually not very much. Other than my headspace is not constantly occupied with thoughts or plans for the next adventure. Something that was a key part of being a sex goddess. These days when people ask me about my fucket list my answer is; “Fucket list, oh yeh I remember what one of those is”
I just realised; another key indicator of being a grown up, I use semi colons in my writing. Or is that a side effect of being a teacher? I don’t know but it a bit freaky, here I am pouring my heart out to the void of the Internet and I am ticking off grammar and sentence structure in my head. I need a really good fuck.
So we were talking about fucket lists. I remember that I have often said I don’t like to have a specific list. But I guess that I kind of did. I kind of remember what was on it. Right now my fucket list consists of; have sex with my husband, have sex with Engineer X. Not necessarily in that order. Logistics seem to get in the way a lot these days. People think that having small children is a drag on your sex life. Those people really have no idea. Mainly because they are yet to experience having teenagers living with you. Small children don’t know, or care, if they walk in on you having sex. They are not scarred by the experience. What’s more they go to bed at a sensible hour meaning you can actually have pre sex on the couch before you start falling asleep. Teenagers don’t do that. They want to stay up and share their rubbish idea of what is good TV and make it awkward if you want to make sexy jokes with your husband. What’s worse is they don’t go to bed nice and early so that you can invite over some special people or when you get dressed to go out and meet said special people they ask all kinds of questions about where you are going.
Actually my teenagers have kind of got the hint that asking too many questions is not a good idea so I guess I have trained them to a certain extent but it is still awkward getting out the door some days. Mr Jones is much more concerned about that kind of thing that me. I feel more comfortable being relatively candid. He does not. So we land somewhere in between which is, by definition, awkward. I guess I just have to keep telling myself that it is only temporary. Not that I am expecting them to move out but I am definitely not going to sugar coat things for my eighteen year old children just to spare them some awkwardness. That is just creating a rod for your own back.
It seems I have worked through and dismissed my standard list of excuses for not being sexy enough so now I am left with a task; hang up my goddess cape or stop making excuses. My friends are right, hanging up the cape is a hilarious idea. Hilarious because it is so unlikely. And because I simply don’t want to. As much as Mr Jones is irritating me right now he is just going to have to get out his impressive junk and use it on me. Because a happy wife makes for a happy life and to be happier I need more sex in my life.
Thanks for listening Internet Void, you are the best therapist ever.
1. If you are on facebook, when was the last time you had to “unfriend” someone and why?
I am notorious for avoiding conflict. So “unfriending” is not something I generally do. When I first read this question I could not think of the last time that I did unfriend someone. However as I was writing I remembered the last time was when Pet and I went our separate ways. It was not an acrimonious ‘break up’ by any stretch. – He decided we were done, I said O.K and that was it. I was a bit bummed by the turn of events but we are grown ups and i decided that pursuing reasons and ‘closure’ was not worth the pain.
However I did decide that he didn’t need to be part of my Facebook world anymore. So he is no longer on my friends list.
2. What are you addicted to?
Hard question. I guess it depends on how you define addiction. In terms of a weakness that I find hard to resist it would be shoes. My last pair are my new favourites;
3. What are the first 3 things you do every morning?
Say good morning to Mr Jones, feed the bird, and get dressed. Not necessarily in that order. Often the bird comes first mainly because he is so loud.
4. How lucky are you and why?
- I have a fantastic husband and kids
- I live in a fantastic house and in a place with an almost perfect climate.
- I am lucky enough to have my cake and eat it.
5. What is one thing you’re embarrassed to admit you want to try?
I am often embarrassed about of lots of things that I do and say. I can’t think of a thing that I have always wanted to try that I am specifically embarrassed about. One of the key things that I often find myself apologising for is wanting to try badass pole moves that involve pain and using an ‘armpit grip’. Things that look like this;
Absolutely yes. I am proud of the way I do my job and I believe that I put in everything for my students and that they benefit from it. I am proud of what I do on my pole. Most of all I am proud of my marriage. Together we have built a great lifestyle and family. We have established complete and habitual honesty which has made our relationship work so well.
About a week ago a Facebook colleague posted a meme about duck face selfies that teenage girls seem addicted to. It was actually quite clever.
I share his frustration. It re-ignited in me the motivation to continue with a hobby I was playing with about a year ago. Trying to make selfies an art form. Or rather taking selfies that took into account some more complex ideas and angles and creating more ‘artsy’ photos instead of just a head with something significant in the background. Or alternatively a bunch of people pulling a face at the camera.
I shared this image with a twitter friend recently. He was happy with his early morning hello and I was happy with the image. It is a bit grainy but I love the concept.
Yes I am going there. In the years I have been blogging I have always been very careful about making such comments as the one above. In my swinging life I have been less careful when in the company of people who either are well endowed or who are pragmatic enough to understand the concept. This post was prompted by some experiences with men of a certain ethnic backgrounds that kind of demonstrated that stereotypes about size and ethnicity are just that, stereotypes and should always be taken with a grain of salt.
So before the trolls start getting wound up let’s make something very clear. I don’t walk around with a ruler saying to prospective partners “you must be this long to enter”. I am about the whole package. A caring man who gives pleasure is very welcome whatever the size of his appendage. Just as an uncaring man with a donkey sized appendage is not. There is some discussion about length versus width a lot of which has merit. In short there are three variables, length, width and effort; the combination of these three is how it works, not an excess of one factor. Yes I am a mathematics teacher and so I did get a little excited when I saw this graph in Imagur which I feel explains it perfectly
As the graph shows there are two red zones, “let me get my magnifying glass” and “don’t even think about touching me with that extra arm” of course these zones vary from woman to woman. For me they are significant enough to mean that size definitely matters, just not in every case.
So the story…..
This one night Mr Jones and I went out it had been a while since we had gone to an adult venue. At the moment we are in a phase in our relationships where we are focussing on each other. For me that means encouraging Mr Jones and boosting his confidence while minimising the attention I get from men, single or otherwise. This is the source of some frustration for me but that is a topic for another post. On this night there was this guy. I am not sure why but he seemed attractive, there was not a lot on offer. Anyway after some conversation the four of us, Mr Jones, me, the guy and Mrs Guy ended up naked. Looking at the graph above he fell well into the red zone on the left. I mean, when he was fully erect I could press my face against his belly and not even feel his cock near the back of my mouth, let alone at the back of my throat. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, I am generous like that.
Generosity did not pay off. In the effort stakes he sucked. The only redeeming quality of the evening was that Mrs Guy was amazing in a I find you fascinating, sexy and I want to be your friend on a lot of different levels way. A few weeks later we ran into her again. I freaked out when I saw her with a dark skinned man because I assumed it would be the same guy. I was very relieved when it wasn’t. New Dark Skinned Man turned out to be well and truly towards the middle of my graph with very high scores on the effort level. I like New Dark Skinned Man and hope I get to see him again sometime.
The awkwardness happened when Intriguing Lady turned up in our lives for a third time with Mr Dissapointment. In the light of reality and less randiness he didn’t even seem attractive. Fortunately the situation was a no nakedness situation. So the awkwardness was kept to a minimum. Just for the record I am definitely NOT going there again. The moral of the story; like Caucasians,Asian men vary in size, personality and sexiness. For me, the bulk of them are not that sexy but my experiences have opened my eyes a little.