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Perspective

The Colombian is very keen on having ‘adventures’ as he puts it. Most of what he intends is having sex in risky public places like parks, shopping centre change rooms, beaches etc. On the day we first met we found ourselves inside the fire escape stairs of a shopping centre. I was looking for a way to find my car but he was very keen to engage in other activities. To his disappointment I wasn’t up for that kind of thing. Which, upon reflection, is very unlike Gemma.

Since then we have visited a department store change room, and kind of gotten busted by the shop assistant. So I guess there are flashes of Gemma. A couple of weeks ago I was watching rubbish television with my family and we watched this ‘caught on camera’ kind of show featuring the things people do in a multi-story car park. Of course there wS a lot of version of people damaging boom gates in an attempt to avoid paying but also there were a quite a few snippets of people getting sexy in semi secluded corners of the building.

This particular show also featured a dramatisation of the control room where the cameras in the building are monitored showing the reactions of the people watching the action. Of course these people are tasked with making sure equipment such as boom gates and automatic payment machines are not damaged but they also monitor the behaviour of clientele and call the police if things get out of hand. The reactions portrayed to people having sex in stairs and corners were not positive. Instead of “how sexy” and “how daring” their standard response was more ” how gross” and “get a room!”

I felt a bit deflated watching it. I thought back to the recent change room shenanigans and I realised how pissed the sales assistant probably was and how disgusted she was. I felt a little ashamed. Which is stupid. We weren’t hurting anyone and we didn’t leave a mess for her to clean up so what is it to her? The same as the car park viewers. What is the problem? Who is the worst here? The people enjoying themselves and living in the moment or the people sitting around criticising as they watch camera footage?

It is an interesting paradigm. Like the picture above the reality depends on your viewpoint I guess, and the way you have been conditioned to think by the people around you. I think for all the value that Westerners put on being sexy, and the way we pride ourselves on being open minded we definitely have some very prudish ideas about sex.

The question remains; will I have stairwell sex with the Columbian if the opportunity arises? The answer is I honestly don’t know. I think I will definitely have to do a check for cameras first.

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I said No!

I recently read a post by Ophelia outlining some experiences she had involving being raped by men one of whom she considered to be a very good friend. In both situations there was no violence, nor did the men consider that coercing a woman into having sex simply by not accepting no and sneaking their dick into her vagina was wrong.

I am fortunate that I have not had an experience where I felt as violated as Ophelia. But I think there is not a woman on the planet who has not agreed to sex with a man, based purely on her desire but simply because she got tired of the nagging and saying yes was easier than enforcing her initial no. It can be argued that many women are not very good at saying no and I am a very vocal supporter of the idea that mothers have just as much responsibility to teach their daughters to say “no” clearly and confidently as they do to teach their sons about respecting “no”. In the past I have been privately very critical of women who give out mixed messages and then complain about men who don’t get the hint. I try very hard to be honest and up front with my partners and many of them have commented on how easy it makes life to know where they stand. Recently however I had an experience that made me question my approach.

I met The Fireman initially through an online dating website. We chatted but nothing came to pass until I became part of a Facebook group he was hosting. He was a very sexy guy and I was definitely very keen. We met up a couple of times and the future looked full of fun times and fantasies being fulfilled. However he turned out to be, putting it kindly, a bit of a flake. Plans always seemed to be massaged, Mr Jones and I were left waiting in bars, and on one occasion fully stood up. As time went by he seemed to lose interest and I moved on. Then out of the blue, he was back again. The conversation went something like this;

F (Fireman): Hey guys

G (Gemma ): Hello

F: sends dick pic -do you miss him, he misses you

G: Oh a penis (I resisted the urge to add “how cute” )

F: I love your mind and your sexy body. Do you miss me? 

G: I did a while back. It has been a while (again I showed restraint and didn’t add that last time we met it had taken him so long to get his shit together and turn up that our play time had to be cut short to about an hour) 

F: sorry Hun (OMG! I am sooo not your Hun) I have been busy with my business

At this point I mentioned a couple of Facebook posts that seemed to indicate he had a girlfriend for a while, something he denied, but I didn’t believe him. I asked him what he was looking for and he said a regular threesome/ hotwife arrangement. He has a thing for that role play and although he has the body for it his cock is not anywhere up to specification. So I said “we have a regular play buddy at the moment” which is the truth

F: oh šŸ˜¢ I guess I missed the boat. Is there room for another?

G: No we are happy with what we have right now, sorry. 

There was a bit more to the conversation because he wanted to be petulant and comb through reasons etc. I resisted the urge to vent about his flakiness and lack of respect for my time but I stood my ground quietly and honestly. In the end he said thank you for your Homestay and wished me well. I thought that was that .

I was wrong. In the couple of weeks that followed he contacted me every few days saying hello and making conversation. There was never an actual request for sex but he was blatant,y trying to get in my good books. I resisted the initial urge to be rude because I believe very firmly that being rude just creates unnecessary bad karma. I was also clinging to the misguided idea that I had made my position clear and he knew where he stood.

Of course I was wrong. After a few weeks when he felt that he had charmed me enough he again asked for sex. When I reminded him that I had told him he wasn’t interested he relied with ” but I thought you were”. Why? Because I replied when he messaged me? Because I told him that the posey, staged photos he was sending me were not the best way to impress people? Because I was polite? I was irritated enough to be quite blunt with him, I maintained my resolve to not be rude but I made sure my reply pointed out some of his flakiness in detail and very clearly in kindergarten language said “we are not interested”.

Of course this is not as dramatic as the events Ophelia described but is quite typical of the way a lot of men, particularly those who consider themselves attractive, operate. It is like they have some kind of filter in their ear that translates all of the negative responses they hear into a signal which says “I am really interested, you just have to chase a bit more”. I am sorry but no! When I say no, it means no. I am the mother of a teenage boy and I am also an educator of teenagers. I have made it part of my life mission to educate the young people in my charge about consent. The best description is this video that compares sex to tea.

It is easy for people to understand when someone doesn’t want tea you can’t force them to drink it. The thing the video can’t make clear is that trying to change a persons mind after they have said no is a version of forcing them to drink the tea. Like all the other versions of forcing them to drink the tea it is not OK. As humans we have a responsibility to accept no for an answer. We also have a responsibility to protect the integrity of the no response by using it in a very clear, straightforward way. By this I mean not being that person who says no when they mean yes or the one who encourages the chase by saying no initially.  It is not a simple thing to solve but coercing people less powerful than us, usually women, into sex has to stop! 

When I say no it means no. 

Internet DatingĀ 


This is the next chapter in our journey after meeting Kurt and Renee for a second time we ventured in to the world of internet dating. 

Over time and with a few false starts we eventually located a couple through the Internet who seemed to tick all of our boxes. After a couple of online chats and phone calls we arranged to meet. By this time we had met up with Kurt and Renee again with a similar sex marathon evening, sending us home smiling and on a sex fuelled high. Our positive experiences had given us some confidence that things would work out. 

I hadn’t really taken much time to think about exactly what we were looking for. We were like children, wide eyed in awe at this strange new world that we had stumbled into. Neither of us had any experience with the world of Internet dating. So we were a little un-prepared for the reality of appearance on screen versus appearance in real life. 

The evening we had arranged to meet dawned and we found ourselves on the couch at the house of our new friends. It seemed both surreal and strangely matter of fact at the exact same time. The people were quite different from Kurt and Renee much more salt of the earth. Jenna was much more reserved than Renee and it took a while for things to get started. 

At the time we assumed that everyone we met was going to take the lead because we were such complete newbies. Now, with some experience under out belt we realise that this is not always the case. Another thing that we came to realise with the wisdom of hindsight was that confidence does not always equal experience. Our assumption that everyone we met knew exactly what they were on about was completely unfounded and mostly incorrect. 

Eventually we fumbled our way around and ended up naked together. It wasn’t the highly charged sexual encounter that we had experienced with Kurt and Renee but it was deeply satisfying. These were people we had much more in common with and could have a more interpersonal relationship with. An example of how comfortable I felt was my ability to give instructions once we were naked. Following round one Jenna and I were enjoying some girl on girl exploration. Having satisfied themselves, for the time being at least, Mr Jones and Steve were sitting on the end of the bed. I think they started out watching the show but we must have been a little too run of the mill for them because they started chatting about tractors, of all things. 

I was a little annoyed at their nonchalance and the very unsexy talk and so they were dispatched to the kitchen. I know that there are probably many men reading this right now thinking “What the Fuck??? How can two red blooded men not be transfixed by the sight of two women enjoying each other?” All I can say is not everyone is turned on by the same things and once you have seen something a few times it tends to lose its appeal. Mr Jones and Steve are both men of action. Happy to watch for a while but need to be part of the action at some point. 

These exploration sessions with Jenna satisfied my bisexual curiosities quite deeply. I learned a lot about how to please a woman and developed my appreciation for pleasuring women. It wasn’t always that Mr Jones and Steve in particular had to be banished to the kitchen when Jenna and I were playing. Mr Jones always stayed true to form, he had to be involved in the action at some point, Steve did sometimes enjoy sitting in a chair in the corner of the room masturbating to sight of his live porn. 

I think that this was one of the catalysts for my present day attitude about girl on girl sex and voyeurs in particular. I am an exhibitionist and love people watching but I do not perform tricks on request. My sexual activities are for my pleasure. It you want to watch and this is gives you enjoyment all the better but the essence is always the same, my exploration for my pleasure. If I was to get all hard core feminist I would say that the idea that men have that they can request or demand women to perform for them stems from the habit of being able to choose porn videos to suit them. Other women are obviously more compliant than me. Maybe that was a sign of things to come.