Imbalance in Internet Dating

As a person in an open relationship who is actively seeking partners I spend a lot of time dating. I don’t mean the awkward dinners that are portrayed on “First Dates”. I am talking about the internet style hook – up type dating. I use a website that is specifically for swingers and I avoid mainstream dating websites like Tinder. My main reasoning for that is to protect my privacy and avoid being outed by someone in my professional life. There is a part of me that is curious to see what would happen if I set up a Tinder account but I am not brave enough yet.

The thing with any dating app whether the user is seeking a soulmate or a one night stand it seems that there is a surplus of males and a seemingly tiny number of receptive females. I hear stories from men about meeting women who get inundated with hundreds of messages. So many that it is impossible for them to reply. That has not been my experience. I am almost fifty, I am married and state clearly I am looking for a man who is comfortable being naked in front of my husband. That in itself seems to weed out a lot.

Despite that I do get attention. I could never hope to meet every man that messages me even those that might be attractive to me or interested in similar activities. If I did meet every man that is attractive and interested I would never get out of bed. I have to narrow the field somehow. I have to make some choices and let others fall by the wayside. I can make arbitrary rules like “If you don’t have a picture in your bio” or “If your initial message is full of Text speak like HowRU” then you don’t make the cut. But I still have to talk to a lot of men who are never going to get in my panties, so to speak.

I have posted before about disappointments. About spending the time talking, exchanging pics, building up some attraction and tension, arranging to meet and then…. Crickets. It is at these times I wonder about my selection process. Should I change my criteria? Am I looking in the wrong place? Is there something I missed? Sometimes I nod in recognition of something that did raise itself but I ignored because he looked hot / I was busy / I was horny etc. Sometimes I am mystified. Sometimes it is the universe saving me from myself. Sometimes I meet some amazing people, like Johnny.

Of late I am with Mr Jones 24 / 7. He sees everything I do which is something he didn’t at home. He doesn’t have a problem with it but I think it has been a bit of an eye opener for him. We have had more open conversations about what each other is wanting / needing. It has been a time of growth for both of us. He has a better understanding of some of my frustrations and the process of making things happen. A lot of times with our lifestyle we discuss an idea and then it happens with little legwork from him. He very rarely puts in the work of building a connection and discussing possibilities with anyone except me.

For me I have a better grip on what he wants but also on how he feels about what I do. The monogamy habit still overshadows things for me sometimes. There is often a lurking fear that I will hurt Mr Jones or damage our relationship. Spending this time with him and discussing different scenarios has helped me to see that he is truly fine with most things as long as he is confident that I am taking him into consideration. I am “allowed” to be slutty and impulsive and have sex with someone I ran into without protracted negotiation and consent from him. He likes the idea of something like that happening and finding out about it later. It is something I am getting used to. I am not quite ready to do something like that but I guess the time will come.

Like everything in this life things are constantly evolving and changing. There are things that we do now that we would not have done even two years ago. I have no doubt there will be other things that we will add to our repertoire over time and still others that will be struck off the list. It is all a question of balance really.

Image by Neel Shakilov from Pixabay

This post was written for Wicked Wednesday prompt #472 “Balance” to see who else is sharing click the button below.

Wicked Wednesday

You Cant Always Have What You Want…

This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt was “Out of Character”. I struggled to write something. Every idea seemed to sound dumb when I started writing. Then out of the blue this fell onto the screen. I hope you enjoy. Please make sure you visit the Wicked Wednesday site to read some other much more inciteful writing.

Life has a funny way of twisting things around on you. If I am asked about my ideal play mate I will respond as follows;

Taller than me, strong, mentally and physically, charming and a sense of humour. Above average penis size and one that takes the lead when playing.

I spend a lot of my life being the go to person. The one with all the answers. When I play I just want to be spoiled. I don’t consider it too much to ask. The universe disagrees with me.

Over the last six months I have been actively looking for a regular play friend. I don’t want a boyfriend or a romantic connection. I just want a fwb. It has been an interesting and often frustrating path. I use a swinger dating website. For simplicity I have chosen a single site. I don’t want to go into the ins and outs of my searching but I know I am not using the most efficient way so I can’t complain.

Getting back to the point of this ramble. What has fallen out of this search has been a man who is moderately charming, slightly taller than me with a decent sized penis and who is reasonably intelligent. Lots of boxes ticked.

At our initial meet we discussed who would be in charge. Or rather he expressed a desire to be controlled. I didn’t pick up the cue properly and gave my response about not wanting to be in a situation where I am making all the decisions. I liked this guy, he was kind of intense but I did sense that he was holding something back. Kind of waiting to see how things played out before he showed his hand. We ended that first drink meet in the back seat of a car in the carpark of the pub having short, sharp sex. It was fast and hot.

Our second meet was not ideal. My husband and I own a commercial building that is currently empty so we have set up a play space in one section. Not the perfect place but definitely cheaper than a hotel. We met there. He was on his way home from work on a Friday. In my mind it was going to be a long hot, heavy session. Again he stated he was at my disposal but I resisted and did not give specific instructions about what I wanted. For me the day had been long and emotionally arduous. I wanted someone to spoil me and give me an hour or two of sexual pleasure. I didn’t want to give detailed instructions. I also expected a guy who could either recover quickly or control himself to ensure he lasted.

I was very disappointed.

There was a time when I would have kicked him to the kerb. This kind of thing is not ok. For some reason the light slowly began to dawn in my thick brain. I realised that while he had been a little selfish I was also being a bit unfair. He said he was at my disposal, and like a stupid woman I didn’t make my desires clear. I should have asked for a massage and a good licking before sitting astride him. In the course of the follow up conversation he made a revelation. He is interested in being caged.

For play time only I think.

?

The reason for that initial feeling came forward. This guy has a kink or two. I am not particularly kinky. I have thought about CFNM stuff in my past. I have read about caging and it kind of turns me on. I don’t want to be the woman who makes a man wear a cage for weeks, or days on end. But when he is playing? Maybe.

If you had told me before I met Pet that I would be turned on by anally fisting a man I would have laughed in your face. But I did it and I was. Pet had to push me to be a weird kind of dominant to his very strong personality but we both got a lot out of it. Was it him “topping from the bottom” or me dominating him? I don’t know. I don’t care. I don’t really count myself as a true practitioner of BDSM. I just use their props and toys for my pleasure.

So it seems The IT guy, he has a blog name now, will become the next person in my journey who pushes me to express my wants and desires more clearly. While it may be hard and not what I thought I wanted it may well be something I need.

Flashback TMI Tuesday

This week’s TMI questions are a flashback from August 2011. Back then I had been posting on Erotic Adventures for less than a year. I hadn’t discovered the goodness of TMI Tuesday. In the interest of the flashback I thought I would share a post from back then from when in my naivety I discovered the concept of a Fucket list. Reading this post I can’t help but think how wide eyed and innocent I was back then.

And so on with the questions;

1. You have been separated from your significant other for six months. An attractive, attentive neighbor has paid you flattering attention. It is obvious he/she wishes to take the relationship further. Do you:
a. Dismiss him/her, you’re in a committed relationship.
b. Continue to flirt, but go no further.
c. Fantasize about him/her, but take care of your sexual needs solo.
d. Let the affair become physical.

So given that I have sexual relationships with other attractive people with the full knowledge and consent of my husband I am thinking the answer would very firmly be (d). Having said that I definitely don’t have any attractive neighbours. So I can’t ever seeing this being an issue.

2. A male co-worker whom you have heard is great in bed and very well endowed has been flirting with you a lot. He obviously wishes to start a relationship. Do you:
(This question is for women AND men).
a. Make it clear to him you’re not interested.
b. Flirt with him but go no further
c. Mentally undress him and wonder what he’d be like in bed.
d. Let the relationship become sexual.

Interestingly I was informed by a co-worker once that he has a PHD (pretty huge dick). This particular guy is my work child. I am old enough to be his mother and I act like his mother. So despite his attractiveness I am left with (c) because there ain’t no flirting there. He is fairly open about his sexual exploits and despite an admirable volume they are all pretty vanilla. So he can keep his PHD to himself.

3. Your significant other is impotent most of the time, showing little interest in you and little interest in being sexual. Do you:
a. Resign yourself to no sex.
b. Satisfy your needs with masturbation
c. Find someone who can satisfy you sexually but remain with your significant other
d. Leave him or her

So the answer to this is kind of the same as the first one. Mr Jones is definitely not impotent but his interest in sex is less than it used to be. As I have been pretty open about I am actively engaged in sex with other people. As long as it doesn’t really interfere with my marriage.

4. The last time you and your mate had sex, were you:
a. Concentrating mostly on him/her, and you didn’t even orgasm
b. Thinking about your pleasure and theirs.
c. Concentrating mainly on your own pleasure.
d. Used his/her body as a tool to reach your own orgasm.

So I had an experience last week that was very unsatisfactory. I met a new play friend for the second time. At this point in time I was not entirely sure of a lot of things. Things like, how long he was able to hang with me before he was expected to head home, how long he was able to fuck before cumming, and recovery time. All things I should have a better idea of really.

Things did not go according to my plan. So I found myself heading home after just under an hour. I was very unhappy about this turn of events but looking back I should have been a bit more switched on and paced myself. My headspace is not that great at the moment which was probably a contributing factor. When I got home there wasn’t the usual re-union sexual experience and I went to sleep annoyed and unsatisfied. I found myself awake in the middle of the night rectifying the situation in a serviceable but not really satisfying way.

5. What kind of partner do you prefer while making love or having sex?
a. Tender, loving, slow and sweeet
b. I don’t care, just do me; it’s been a while
c. Tough, take-charge, I like it a little rough
d. Any lovin’ is good lovin’

My personal preference is for (c). When I have the chance to relax and be in a safe space I like to fuck and I like to fuck a lot. I really like to be seduced and taken.

Bonus: There is no official bonus this week but In the spirit of Nero of Nero Speaks I am adding my own bonus image from my camera roll. Because it is my blog and I can. So in the spirit of the flashback

This is an image taken quite a while ago during an experience of being a dessert on a bar in a swingers club. I was definitely an experience worth remembering.

And so if you enjoyed this bout of sharing head on over to TMI Tuesday and read some other interesting revelations

The Dick Pic

I have probably written about this topic before but I was inspired to pen this because of a post by The Zen Nudist about rape. Although it is not anywhere as extreme as rape there is something about the unsolicited dick pic that I, and many women, find invasive and confronting. Don’t get me wrong, I love penises. I love to look at them, I love to inspect them in the minutest detail, I love to suck them, I love them inside me. What I don’t love is having one shoved in my face when I am innocently going through my day and my message notification pings. I don’t understand why men do it. In a way it is sad that men have distilled their attractiveness to women to such a small (no pun intended) part of them.There are many parts of men that are attractive. I am a sucker for a nice arse. I even have Twitter friends who send me great shots of their arse, after invitation. Things like this. This is hot after you have made a connection, had a conversation etc. There are plenty of ways to entice and intrigue which for me makes attraction stronger. I can’t speak for all women of course but based on conversations I have had with female friends who are dating most women seem to feel the same way as me. Sending uninvited pictures of your dick to women is NOT acceptable behaviour EVER. As I stated in my opening comments it is invasive, offensive and sometimes just plain weird.There are plenty of ways to present your package that are alluring and damn sexy something like this;Or this;So guys, take note. You are more than your naked protruding penis. Show some creativity and remember that less is often more.

Perspective

The Colombian is very keen on having ‘adventures’ as he puts it. Most of what he intends is having sex in risky public places like parks, shopping centre change rooms, beaches etc. On the day we first met we found ourselves inside the fire escape stairs of a shopping centre. I was looking for a way to find my car but he was very keen to engage in other activities. To his disappointment I wasn’t up for that kind of thing. Which, upon reflection, is very unlike Gemma.

Since then we have visited a department store change room, and kind of gotten busted by the shop assistant. So I guess there are flashes of Gemma. A couple of weeks ago I was watching rubbish television with my family and we watched this ‘caught on camera’ kind of show featuring the things people do in a multi-story car park. Of course there wS a lot of version of people damaging boom gates in an attempt to avoid paying but also there were a quite a few snippets of people getting sexy in semi secluded corners of the building.

This particular show also featured a dramatisation of the control room where the cameras in the building are monitored showing the reactions of the people watching the action. Of course these people are tasked with making sure equipment such as boom gates and automatic payment machines are not damaged but they also monitor the behaviour of clientele and call the police if things get out of hand. The reactions portrayed to people having sex in stairs and corners were not positive. Instead of “how sexy” and “how daring” their standard response was more ” how gross” and “get a room!”

I felt a bit deflated watching it. I thought back to the recent change room shenanigans and I realised how pissed the sales assistant probably was and how disgusted she was. I felt a little ashamed. Which is stupid. We weren’t hurting anyone and we didn’t leave a mess for her to clean up so what is it to her? The same as the car park viewers. What is the problem? Who is the worst here? The people enjoying themselves and living in the moment or the people sitting around criticising as they watch camera footage?

It is an interesting paradigm. Like the picture above the reality depends on your viewpoint I guess, and the way you have been conditioned to think by the people around you. I think for all the value that Westerners put on being sexy, and the way we pride ourselves on being open minded we definitely have some very prudish ideas about sex.

The question remains; will I have stairwell sex with the Columbian if the opportunity arises? The answer is I honestly don’t know. I think I will definitely have to do a check for cameras first.

I said No!

I recently read a post by Ophelia outlining some experiences she had involving being raped by men one of whom she considered to be a very good friend. In both situations there was no violence, nor did the men consider that coercing a woman into having sex simply by not accepting no and sneaking their dick into her vagina was wrong.

I am fortunate that I have not had an experience where I felt as violated as Ophelia. But I think there is not a woman on the planet who has not agreed to sex with a man, based purely on her desire but simply because she got tired of the nagging and saying yes was easier than enforcing her initial no. It can be argued that many women are not very good at saying no and I am a very vocal supporter of the idea that mothers have just as much responsibility to teach their daughters to say “no” clearly and confidently as they do to teach their sons about respecting “no”. In the past I have been privately very critical of women who give out mixed messages and then complain about men who don’t get the hint. I try very hard to be honest and up front with my partners and many of them have commented on how easy it makes life to know where they stand. Recently however I had an experience that made me question my approach.

I met The Fireman initially through an online dating website. We chatted but nothing came to pass until I became part of a Facebook group he was hosting. He was a very sexy guy and I was definitely very keen. We met up a couple of times and the future looked full of fun times and fantasies being fulfilled. However he turned out to be, putting it kindly, a bit of a flake. Plans always seemed to be massaged, Mr Jones and I were left waiting in bars, and on one occasion fully stood up. As time went by he seemed to lose interest and I moved on. Then out of the blue, he was back again. The conversation went something like this;

F (Fireman): Hey guys

G (Gemma ): Hello

F: sends dick pic -do you miss him, he misses you

G: Oh a penis (I resisted the urge to add “how cute” )

F: I love your mind and your sexy body. Do you miss me? 

G: I did a while back. It has been a while (again I showed restraint and didn’t add that last time we met it had taken him so long to get his shit together and turn up that our play time had to be cut short to about an hour) 

F: sorry Hun (OMG! I am sooo not your Hun) I have been busy with my business

At this point I mentioned a couple of Facebook posts that seemed to indicate he had a girlfriend for a while, something he denied, but I didn’t believe him. I asked him what he was looking for and he said a regular threesome/ hotwife arrangement. He has a thing for that role play and although he has the body for it his cock is not anywhere up to specification. So I said “we have a regular play buddy at the moment” which is the truth

F: oh 😢 I guess I missed the boat. Is there room for another?

G: No we are happy with what we have right now, sorry. 

There was a bit more to the conversation because he wanted to be petulant and comb through reasons etc. I resisted the urge to vent about his flakiness and lack of respect for my time but I stood my ground quietly and honestly. In the end he said thank you for your Homestay and wished me well. I thought that was that .

I was wrong. In the couple of weeks that followed he contacted me every few days saying hello and making conversation. There was never an actual request for sex but he was blatant,y trying to get in my good books. I resisted the initial urge to be rude because I believe very firmly that being rude just creates unnecessary bad karma. I was also clinging to the misguided idea that I had made my position clear and he knew where he stood.

Of course I was wrong. After a few weeks when he felt that he had charmed me enough he again asked for sex. When I reminded him that I had told him he wasn’t interested he relied with ” but I thought you were”. Why? Because I replied when he messaged me? Because I told him that the posey, staged photos he was sending me were not the best way to impress people? Because I was polite? I was irritated enough to be quite blunt with him, I maintained my resolve to not be rude but I made sure my reply pointed out some of his flakiness in detail and very clearly in kindergarten language said “we are not interested”.

Of course this is not as dramatic as the events Ophelia described but is quite typical of the way a lot of men, particularly those who consider themselves attractive, operate. It is like they have some kind of filter in their ear that translates all of the negative responses they hear into a signal which says “I am really interested, you just have to chase a bit more”. I am sorry but no! When I say no, it means no. I am the mother of a teenage boy and I am also an educator of teenagers. I have made it part of my life mission to educate the young people in my charge about consent. The best description is this video that compares sex to tea.

It is easy for people to understand when someone doesn’t want tea you can’t force them to drink it. The thing the video can’t make clear is that trying to change a persons mind after they have said no is a version of forcing them to drink the tea. Like all the other versions of forcing them to drink the tea it is not OK. As humans we have a responsibility to accept no for an answer. We also have a responsibility to protect the integrity of the no response by using it in a very clear, straightforward way. By this I mean not being that person who says no when they mean yes or the one who encourages the chase by saying no initially.  It is not a simple thing to solve but coercing people less powerful than us, usually women, into sex has to stop! 

When I say no it means no. 

Internet Dating 


This is the next chapter in our journey after meeting Kurt and Renee for a second time we ventured in to the world of internet dating. 

Over time and with a few false starts we eventually located a couple through the Internet who seemed to tick all of our boxes. After a couple of online chats and phone calls we arranged to meet. By this time we had met up with Kurt and Renee again with a similar sex marathon evening, sending us home smiling and on a sex fuelled high. Our positive experiences had given us some confidence that things would work out. 

I hadn’t really taken much time to think about exactly what we were looking for. We were like children, wide eyed in awe at this strange new world that we had stumbled into. Neither of us had any experience with the world of Internet dating. So we were a little un-prepared for the reality of appearance on screen versus appearance in real life. 

The evening we had arranged to meet dawned and we found ourselves on the couch at the house of our new friends. It seemed both surreal and strangely matter of fact at the exact same time. The people were quite different from Kurt and Renee much more salt of the earth. Jenna was much more reserved than Renee and it took a while for things to get started. 

At the time we assumed that everyone we met was going to take the lead because we were such complete newbies. Now, with some experience under out belt we realise that this is not always the case. Another thing that we came to realise with the wisdom of hindsight was that confidence does not always equal experience. Our assumption that everyone we met knew exactly what they were on about was completely unfounded and mostly incorrect. 

Eventually we fumbled our way around and ended up naked together. It wasn’t the highly charged sexual encounter that we had experienced with Kurt and Renee but it was deeply satisfying. These were people we had much more in common with and could have a more interpersonal relationship with. An example of how comfortable I felt was my ability to give instructions once we were naked. Following round one Jenna and I were enjoying some girl on girl exploration. Having satisfied themselves, for the time being at least, Mr Jones and Steve were sitting on the end of the bed. I think they started out watching the show but we must have been a little too run of the mill for them because they started chatting about tractors, of all things. 

I was a little annoyed at their nonchalance and the very unsexy talk and so they were dispatched to the kitchen. I know that there are probably many men reading this right now thinking “What the Fuck??? How can two red blooded men not be transfixed by the sight of two women enjoying each other?” All I can say is not everyone is turned on by the same things and once you have seen something a few times it tends to lose its appeal. Mr Jones and Steve are both men of action. Happy to watch for a while but need to be part of the action at some point. 

These exploration sessions with Jenna satisfied my bisexual curiosities quite deeply. I learned a lot about how to please a woman and developed my appreciation for pleasuring women. It wasn’t always that Mr Jones and Steve in particular had to be banished to the kitchen when Jenna and I were playing. Mr Jones always stayed true to form, he had to be involved in the action at some point, Steve did sometimes enjoy sitting in a chair in the corner of the room masturbating to sight of his live porn. 

I think that this was one of the catalysts for my present day attitude about girl on girl sex and voyeurs in particular. I am an exhibitionist and love people watching but I do not perform tricks on request. My sexual activities are for my pleasure. It you want to watch and this is gives you enjoyment all the better but the essence is always the same, my exploration for my pleasure. If I was to get all hard core feminist I would say that the idea that men have that they can request or demand women to perform for them stems from the habit of being able to choose porn videos to suit them. Other women are obviously more compliant than me. Maybe that was a sign of things to come.