Crossing the Line

It has been a long while since I have added to the story I started as part of the Journey to Now page. During our recent cruise I had a fair bit of down time and I worked on some posts to add to the story. Now back in the land of the living I will hopefully be continuing to complete this. For those who are new to the blog please visit the “Journey to Now” page to catch up on the story.

Mr Jones has always been very clear about emotional ties with our play partners. He likes the friendship aspect of things but he is very much a one woman man. He has never been interested in having more than one romantic relationship. I never really gave the topic much thought but as time went on and we continued our relationship with Sheree and Wes I began to consider the idea of polyamory to something more than just a fantasy. Mr Jones described his feelings about Sheree in this way; “My dick likes having sex with her but I am not really in to her as a person that much.” In the beginning we spent a lot of time together as a foursome. Mostly we swapped partners and occasionally Sheree and I would have girl time together. I had visited Ladies night a few times by this stage and my desire to have sex with women was waning a little. Slowly I was coming to the realisation that what I really liked was cock. Nice, dare I say it, thick above average sized cock.

In contrast to Mr Jones’ feelings about Sheree, Wes and myself began realising that some feelings were beginning to develop between us. It was never really defined and Mr Jones and I seemed to talk about it sometimes but never in a really direct way. Certainly WES and I had several conversations about it. Some were vague and about the idea of polyamory in general, some were more direct and related to managing our feelings and relationship so as not to hire the other stakeholders.

Over Mr Jones and I became aware that all was not well in the Wes and Sheree household. Sheree had several mental health issues which they were quite open with us about but looking back I realise how naive I was about just how much Wes contributed to them and possibly used them as an excuse for some very bad behaviour. In any case circumstances led to Mr Jones engaging in his first experience of playing solo. We had never really discussed it but I had always stated that I was OK with him enjoying himself. Unlike him I was confident that he had no intention of running off with someone else and so I was, and still am, comfortable with him getting enjoyment from any experiences that come his way.

When he came home one day and told me that he and Sheree had taken advantage of a situation and engaged in a hot and heavy tryst in a park I was excited for him. I felt I was a much needed boost to his confidence. For myself I wasn’t particularly interested in solo play with Wes despite my growing feelings for him.

What did grow out of that first foray into playing without their partner in the room for Wes and Sheree was my first MMF. I requested this with some nervousness. I knew that Mr Jones was aware of how I felt about Wes and I had an inkling that he wasn’t entirely happy about what was happening. I guess looking back now he didn’t know how to stop what he may have seen as a runaway train. His confidence in my devotion to him was not as strong as mine in his and to be completely honest I was not as settled in my relationship as I could have been. Some of the issues that plagued our marriage earlier still lingered. At this time I had been forced to resign from my job and ultimately had to turn my back on a career I loved as a result of circumstances that stemmed largely from the trials and tribulations of adjusting to life with children. I felt strongly that this turn of events was due to some failings on Mr Jones’ part and even though I was working towards it I had by no means forgiven him.

In any case I found myself in a bed sandwiched for the first time between two men. Both Mr Jones and Wes had what I regarded as particularly nice cocks. I loved both of them, in my hand, in my mouth and in my pussy. At this time anal sex and I were still not really friends. Neither of my lovers really minded. The evening was an amazing experience for me. A lot of first times for many things happened; first spit roast, first time watching a man suck another’s cock and most importantly first time of double vaginal penetration.

This feat was not planned and was a result of some patience and a lot of communication between Mr Jones and Wes. I doubt very much if it would have been as successful if both me had not been so comfortable with themselves and each other as it required two penises to get into some very close quarters together. As I recall I lay on my side and Mr Jones entered me from behind. Dan had the trickier task of inserting himself into an already full pussy while facing me. It took some adjusting of legs, arms and hips but we achieved the goal. It was one of the most amazing, intimate experiences of my life. My pussy was stretched in the most pleasurable way and my body was pressed between both of the men I desired most in the world. It is something that I will never forget even now after so many different experiences and different men. It would be a very long time before I would experience that level of intimacy again.

Hairy

I have made a few recent mentions about a man I am seeing that has a passing resemblance to John Barrowman. The last time I met up with him I was watching him walk towards me across the car park and I thought to myself how attractive he was. Something about him just floats my boat. Imagine my surprise when later that night during a rest break he comments to me about feeling that he was “too old, too fat and too hairy to be successful in the modern internet dating world.

Firstly he is the same age as me. So if he is too old then I must be as well. I am fairly flexible when it comes to the age of my playmates. The only age related line I have drawn recently has been to refuse a very young man on the basis that he is the same age as my son! Toyboys are nice and all but I just can’t go there. In terms of JB he is fine. Age is just a number and too old is more about attitude than anything else.

Too fat? Well health is more important that a waist measurement. I am forcing myself to come to terms with my own waist measurement that is larger than I would like. When it comes to men something that really, truly gets me going is someone who is strong enough to manhandle me. I believe that JB has that. Note to self; discuss this as a part of our play sometime very soon

The thing that I really wanted to talk about in this post is the hairy comment. In our culture body hair is something that is not really celebrated. Whilst beards are extremely fashionable at the moment our images of sexy men typically don’t include large amounts of body hair. Personally I don’t have a preference. Mr Jones is fairly hairless and I enjoy a smooth skinned man but there is something very masculine about male body hair. A long term twitter friend of mine @jackandjillcpl kindly shared some images of his to help me make my point.

Jack is what I would consider an exceptionally sexy man. He is definitely not smooth skinned but his photos show a man who is comfortable with himself and confident in his sexiness.

I love how proud he is in this image. The mat of hair on his chest announces his masculinity. So fucking sexy

When I look at this one I just want to snuggle in there. One of the things I love about hairy guys is the texture of the hair when I put my hands on their body. Feeling that texture on my hands is sexy. It makes me want to bury my face against his chest and explore how he responds to my touch.

This one is just fucking sexy. I want to put my hands down there and feel what he has to offer before I reveal him to cover his cock with my lips.

Don’t get me wrong I appreciate smooth skin and would explore a smooth body if the chemistry between us is right and the opportunity arises. But a man with hair definitely has appeal. Something I don’t particularly like is a hairy man who shaves his body hair. Body hair gives texture but it is soft. When it is shaved it goes all prickly and irritates my skin. If you have hair, own it. Sexiness is about confidence and the conviction that you are attractive.

This post has been linked to Wicked Wednesday for this week. If you enjoyed this post then you should absolutely head on over and read some of the other entries.

Saturday Morning

I have some very hard and fast rules about work life balance that some people might find a bit weird but I have found essential for maintaining my sanity. Of late I have not entirely followed them and as expected my sanity has suffered.

One of them is spending Saturday morning in bed as pictured. Bumming about on my iPad. This time is spent reading blogs, browsing social media, playing pointless games and sometimes writing rubbish to post here. I guess you got lucky today.

Part of my activities this morning was a check on a swinger dating website I use. I received a message from someone who actually looked interesting. But when I came to reply I had nothing in the tank in the way of enthusiasm to reply with.

What I wanted to say was; “You look amazing, let’s get a coffee and if you look as amazing in person we can spend the afternoon fucking.”

But of course life got in the way. I already have a coffee date lined up with someone tomorrow. Not convinced about this one but going with it. And then I have THE LIST. My to do list left over from school holidays that finished two weeks ago. I still have one item left, a uni assignment that is due in just over a week. Grrrrrr why is life so messy.

Maybe I can just write 2700 words of erotica and hand that in, I am sure the assignment marker will enjoy it. More than I enjoy some of the rubbish my students dish up for me.

Jumping Back in to the Pool

This story is based on an encounter I had a while ago. The thing that has stayed with me about this encounter is the terrified pounding of his chest. It added a whole new level to the encounter. When I saw this week’s prompt I knew the story was made for it.

Shane sat looking st his drink. Behind him a glass wall hid the workings of a typical working class pub. In front of him Sunday night traffic ambled past. Everything seemed so calm, so mundane and ordinary as the world went about its Sunday night business but his own head was spinning with questions; “what if she doesn’t come?”, “What if she laughs in my face?”, “What the hell am I doing?”

A woman walked along the footpath in front of him looking intently at him. Shane’s heart almost jumped out of his chest. His earlier worry about her recognising him flew out the window, he know it was her; more disturbingly, she knew it was him. Shane’s heart felt as if it was going to pound out of his chest, it seemed as if he had to force himself to breathe as she walked towards him. By contrast she seemed so calm, as if she did this every day.

He stood to greet her and she smiled as she introduced herself. He felt as if the world was spinning out of control but she seemed so calm. Worse, she seemed interested in him. The next 30 minutes were a blur, all Shane could think about was how amazing she looked and how awkward and stupid he felt. He heard himself telling her about his whole life and saw her smiling and nodding but it was as if it wasn’t him. After a while she seemed to get fidgety, as if she was starting to get bored but he was at a loss. What now? It seemed weird to say “lets go back to my place to fuck” but that is what he wanted to say. How did he do this back in the day?

Then he remembered he had never done this. He had never been that lad. He had met his wife in high school. And now he was here doing this thing. Who the hell meets a married woman in a pub to suss each other out before you go and have sex? Especially when your own wife is home with your daughter two thousand miles away. Except she isn’t your wife anymore. His heart thundered in his chest making it hard to breathe. His train of thought was suddenly interrupted by a weird feeling. Startled, he looked across the table at a pair of piercing blue eyes looking intently at him. He realised she had asked a question and was now waiting for an answer.

“Sorry?” He hadn’t thought it would be possible to be more nervous but now it felt as if his ribs were barely containing his heart.

There was a slight flicker of an undefined emotion in her eyes but her smile was genuine as she repeated herself, “Soooooo are we going to sit here all night?”

This was it, the moment he had been hoping for, and yet now he realised it was the moment he had been fearing.

“Let’s go back to mine,” he heard a voice say. It seemed to come out of his mouth but he didn’t know how he said it.

She smiled and collected her things. “It is just around the corner, I actually walked here so I can ride with you and show you the way,” his voice continued to surprise him.

Then, somehow they were sitting on the couch of his rented apartment. She was sitting so close to him with her hand on his thigh. The smell of her was intoxicating. When he reached out to touch her he could feel is own hand tremble. It was like he was a teenage virgin touching his girlfriend for the first time. A small smile played around her lips as she ran her hand up his thigh towards his crotch. He felt as if he was going to jump out of his skin as her fingers grazed his cock through his pants.

Without a word she sank onto her knees in front of him. It seemed strange, why was she down there? Then her fingers fumbled with his belt and he realised. Quickly, glad of something to do with his hands he helped her open his pants. Her hands felt warm as she eased his cock out into the light.

It had been so long since another woman had seen this. It had been even longer since he had a woman at his feet about to do this to him. It felt like he was in a dream. Her lips parted and touched his foreskin it felt as if electricity jolted though his groin. A long slow breath escaped his lips as her tongue slid under the soft sensitive skin, teasing the head underneath. He felt the heat of the blood rushing into his groin. He wanted to touch her head but he was terrified that it would break the spell. His cock swelled out of its foreskin spilling her mouth and she pushed her lips down his shaft enveloping him in warm soft wetness.

Every nerve in his body was straining towards his groin. He was completely unaware of anything that was happening around him. His whole consciousness was focussed on the long forgotten feeling of her mouth sliding up and down his cock. His arousal swelled inside him building towards a conclusion that was familiar but somehow different.

His mind was conflicted. He wanted to stay in this warm aroused state. He wanted to watch her head moving up and down his shaft, tilting every now and then to look him in the eye. He wanted to stay enveloped in the warm wetness and gentle pulling of her lips but he knew it would not last. It had been too long. A small sound escaped his lips and panic began to rise in his chest. How could he warn her of the inevitable? He realised he couldn’t stop himself now even if he wanted to. He pulled away from her but she wrapped her arm around his hips to hug him closer.

The feeling of his climax was building deep in his groin, he let himself surrender to the sensation. Did he imagine it or was she encouraging him by sucking harder and deeper. He would never know. Heat exploded through his body and pulsed out of the end of his cock. Some primitive sound exploded from his mouth and filled the room.

Then it was over. Slowly she let his cock slide from her lips. A dribble of his cum sat st the corner of her mouth as she smiled triumphantly up at him. It was the most amazing thing he had ever seen. In that perfect moment he felt fulfilled in a way that he hadn’t for a very long time.

Then the reality of what had happened hit him. His chest filled with triumph as it had when he had lost his virginity all those years ago. This was the second woman who had ever sucked him and it felt good.

Where Will I Meet You?

Once, in a previous life, I met a boy in a coffee shop and ended up sucking him off in the car park. You can read about it here. Of late I have renewed my membership of the website I use to meet prospective partners with a view to finding a regular play partner. It is an ongoing journey full of twits and turns. Those of you who follow my twitter will have some inkling. I haven’t exactly achieved my goal, yet.

This week I took a step closer to achieving my goal. After the initial flirt / message thing he proposed a face to face meeting. I was given the responsibility of choosing a venue. Mainly because it is convenient for me I decided to go with an old stomping ground, so to speak. Of course meeting close to my house means I may run into someone I know. Not really a problem until they realise the man having coffee with me is not my husband. Again not really a problem until we start with the little touches on the knee under the table, followed by more direct stroking, which leads to sitting closer together, which leads to being walked to my car, which leads to all kinds of inappropriate things… I am getting ahead of myself.

I have learnt from previous experience that revisiting particular scenarios with a different person can be a little disappointing. You can never replace the adrenalin rush of doing something daring for the first time so I didn’t allow myself to dwell too much when I parked in the car park I had used before. If the truth be told I had used this car park s lot for a lot of different errands since the initial visit. But still that initial visit was on my mind as I parked.

I was there first. There was the nervous five minutes of wondering if he would show. For some reason of late meeting for coffee has been hit and miss. Maybe I am getting older, maybe people are getting ruder. Whatever the case I have had a couple of incidents of telling the staff I am waiting for someone and then having to slip out without them noticing when the someone doesn’t show. But I saw him approach. He was tall, he strode confident,y and he had a definite silver fox look. All things that got my attention.

The actual coffee part of the situation was pretty standard. It turned out neither of us really likes coffee. It turned out he was interesting and intriguing. After a short while the little touches started. It is funny how it is hard to verbalise attraction but that first tentative meeting of fingers conveys so much. We finished and left. He walked me to my car, parked in the car park. We stood talking for a while. It was close to lunch time. There were a few people coming and going. I found myself looking at the front of his pants, wondering. It is always something I am curious about. What will come out? I don’t require extra large cock but I am not a fan of a small penis.

I realised that opening the front door of my car and sitting with my legs out would put me at the perfect height to suck him. Without really explaining what I planned in took my handbag and opened my car. He didn’t need an explanation he stepped forward and helped me ease himself out of his pants. His cock was firm, thick and veiny, a thing of beauty that needed worship. I licked my lips before taking the first taste of the soft skin. There is nothing like the feel of cock skin, it is so soft and velvety even though it covers something so hard. Moistened by my saliva he slid into my mouth.

He exhaled slowly, his hands cupped the back of my head and he whispered, that’s right. His fingers gripped my hair pulling it firmly. Encouraged I sucked harder, sliding him deeper. I could feel dampness building between my legs. I wrapped my arms around his hips so that I could grip his butt and pull him closer to me. His scent, the feel of his fingers gripping my hair and the sound of his breathing were intoxicating. I began to crave for the taste of his precum. I tilted my head to look up at him, he was leaning against the car scanning the car park but I knew his mind was on me. I wished we could be somewhere quieter, more relaxed. My cunt wished for the feel of his fingers inside me,

“Incoming, at two o’clock,” the words brought me back to reality with a jolt. His cock slid from my mouth and I looked over my shoulder at a woman walking towards her car that was parked next to mine. He gave a sound of disappointment and leaned down to me.

“Where are all these people coming from?” He asked. I looked around suddenly there seemed to be people all over the place. I wanted them to go away so that I could finish what I had started. He slid his hand inside my dress and cupped my breast pinching my nipple.

“You are such a good girl, I wish I could spend the afternoon with you not with this client,” I could see from his face that he was torn. I was torn too. He put his mouth on my breast teasing my nipple with his tongue. I felt like there was a puddle forming in my panties.

“I have to go but we will finish this sometime soon,”

We embraced and he left. I went home to fantasise about the possibilities. Sometimes revisiting old haunts with someone else can be a good thing.

A Blast From the Past

Several years ago I had a pet. Over the course of a couple of years we had some intense sexual encounters and explored some kinks. The relationship was sexual and definitely not romantic. We met we fucked, sometimes during a rest break we shared food. When he was working away (he was a FIFO ) we texted most days. The connection between us was strong. But then one day he disappeared. He was evasive and when I asked directly he told me it was time to move on. There was no explanation. And I didn’t ask. In my mind I didn’t have the right to ask. We were fuck buddies not dating. Neither owed the other anything.

That is not to say that it didn’t hurt. He left a gap in my life. One that was never filled. Most of the time it wasn’t a problem but sometimes I found myself thinking about our adventures and wishing they hadn’t ended.

Then last Saturday, randomly, I ran into him at the swingers club that Mr Jones and I visit from time to time. It was one of those nights when all sorts of people were popping out of corners and things were a little chaotic. I was chatting to a lady who was sitting nervously in the corner. She was explaining that her new-ish boyfriend had brought her along to check things out. Then there he was. I didn’t know where to look or what to say. We said hi. He kind of explained how he knew us to his new girl and then I ran away. I didn’t know what to say.

It took time to process the encounter. About 24 hours afterward I realised that it hurt my heart seeing him again. I guess I wasn’t as detached as I thought.

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

In a recent TMI Tuesday post I spoke about giving up an extra martial relationship as an example of a recent grand romantic gesture. It was something I had done in response to concerns Mr Jones was having about the direction our own relationship was travelling. Just to be clear he was aware of my interactions with this man and I was in no way having an “affair”of any kind.

Over the course of the twenty or so years that Mr Jones and I have been together sex has been a central feature of our interaction with each other in both a positive and sometimes very negative way. To the outside observer we are very physical with each other. We touch fondly in public and we have sex regularly. Much more regularly than a lot of married people I know. Even when we have been struggling with our relationship I don’t think we have ever gone more than a couple of weeks between drinks.

Where things become awkward and problematic is the wanting. I am much more submissive by nature than many people realise. If Mr Jones says ‘let’s do this’ then we do it. Without question, without me really considering what I want to do. This habit stems from a childhood with an over controlling parent whose skill in using guilt to manipulate the people around them was unsurpassed. This has created in me a compulsion to make people around me happy. As a friend once explained it; I have an extremely bad case of ‘disease to please’.

Long story short I want to please my husband, even at my own expense. I will and often do have sex when I don’t want to in a bid to avoid the guilt I feel when I say no to someone. Over s long period of time this eats away at your soul.

Recently I have started to assert myself. Partly because I have realised that I have to if I want to avoid becoming a complete basket case. Additionally I have realised that I need to learn to ask for what I want if my marriage is to survive past raising children. This is sometimes as simple as choosing what is on the television or saying that yes actually I do want you to make dinner tonight because I have marking to do and I don’t have time.

When it comes to sex things are more difficult. My chronic over thinking kicks in and I double guess myself by asking “Am I saying no because of habit or because I actually don’t want to?” Or worse “Am I convincing myself to say yes because I said no yesterday?” Crazy, crazy stuff. Maybe I need more help than I realise.

In a play relationship it is easy. There are no financial ties, there are no children, there are no mutual friends or relatives to explain things to if one or both of use decides things are not working. Consequently the sex is easy. There is no worry about what he will think if I don’t do it right. If I get bored or he leaves then, no biggie just move on.

Unfortunately this means I can hide a little from my feelings and avoid dealing with stuff. Putting aside other relationships forces me to focus on the person who has been standing in front of me for twenty years and deal with my demons. It forces me to really be honest with him about how I feel and what goes through my mind. Oddly I have delivered some of this information without feeling guilty later. I have given a clear description of what goes through my head without any feelings of remorse for the pain it may be causing Mr Jones.

It is liberating and confidence inspiring. I am not really afraid that he will leave me. Although I am sure some people reading this will ask “why the fuck not?” I also know that there needs to be some pain for true growth to happen. At the moment I am kicking goals in my life. I have been given some very good recognition of my talents and achievements at work. My colleagues are giving me great positive feedback and I feel like I am finally putting to rest some demons that have haunted me for many years, I feel like a worthy grown up person.

Mr Jones often says that one of the things that attracted him to me when we met was my confidence. Over the years some significant events occurred that took away that confidence and perhaps this contributed to what I have been writing about in this post. My achievements in my working life have started to correct this and I can feel the effects trickling into other parts of my life. Taking a break from pursuing and dating others is helping me to channel this in the right direction.

Things are looking very positive. I feel like I am more in control than ever. So watch this space.

Trimming the Lawn

All those years again when Mr Jones and I stepped into the dating scene pubic hair was a big no-no. I had off and on experimented with pubic hair removal to fulfil fantasies or interests of Mr Jones but it wasn’t something I did regularly, I didn’t even really wax my bikini line. Suddenly I found myself regularly waxing. For the first time in my life I was regularly visiting a beautician. Caught up in the new adventures I was having I didn’t really consider the expense too much or the demands on my time particularly draining. As time went on regular waxing became a habit. I genuinely fulfilled that swinger stereotype of not being able to remember the last time I had pubic hair.Fast forward to now and Mr Jones and I have definitely slowed our level of activity. We visit clubs and the occasional party as a couple looking for other couples but we often hook up with single men for a threesome. Mr Jones doesn’t really feel the amount of effort involved in looking for a playmate is not always well rewarded so he tends not to bother. I am of a different opinion.I enjoy meeting different people and experiencing different situations so I put a bit more effort in and am rewarded with a few different experiences. And a certain amount of frustration. Sadly I have not found someone with the mind shattering sexual chemistry I experienced with Pet, but I have had some fun times. Due to the nature of my job my dating life has slowed considerably. My time has become quite limited so visits to the beautician are a thing of the past. Grooming these days is in the form of a quick shave just before heading out the door. A little while ago I had some play time with a European man who had a distinct preference for unshaved pubic hair. I did my best to please him but the best I could do was about four weeks growth. My reward was some intense sex and this very sexy photo After this experience I have become much more relaxed about going on dates with less than a perfectly shaved puss. In fact lately I have decided to grow the bush back. The novelty of having hair down there is a little stimulating. Mr Jones seems happy with this turn of events. He commented recently that it is fun to have something to stroke down there. So I think the hair is here to stay for the moment. Sorry potential playmates but if pubic hair is a deal breaker then you are not the guy for me.

The Dick Pic

I have probably written about this topic before but I was inspired to pen this because of a post by The Zen Nudist about rape. Although it is not anywhere as extreme as rape there is something about the unsolicited dick pic that I, and many women, find invasive and confronting. Don’t get me wrong, I love penises. I love to look at them, I love to inspect them in the minutest detail, I love to suck them, I love them inside me. What I don’t love is having one shoved in my face when I am innocently going through my day and my message notification pings. I don’t understand why men do it. In a way it is sad that men have distilled their attractiveness to women to such a small (no pun intended) part of them.There are many parts of men that are attractive. I am a sucker for a nice arse. I even have Twitter friends who send me great shots of their arse, after invitation. Things like this. This is hot after you have made a connection, had a conversation etc. There are plenty of ways to entice and intrigue which for me makes attraction stronger. I can’t speak for all women of course but based on conversations I have had with female friends who are dating most women seem to feel the same way as me. Sending uninvited pictures of your dick to women is NOT acceptable behaviour EVER. As I stated in my opening comments it is invasive, offensive and sometimes just plain weird.There are plenty of ways to present your package that are alluring and damn sexy something like this;Or this;So guys, take note. You are more than your naked protruding penis. Show some creativity and remember that less is often more.

When I Say No….

As a teacher and as a parent I have learned a few things about saying no. The first one is that when you say no you have to mean it. Saying “no” and then changing your mind when everyone protests just sends the message that no doesn’t mean no it means “try a little harder to convince me”.

The second thing I have learned about saying no is that you have to be prepared to back it up with a reason. Having a sound reason usually reduces the amount a student/ child will try to convince you that you really meant yes. Finally, in my experience, the people who try the hardest to change your mind are the ones who have learned from experience with other people that you can change someone’s mind. These students/ children are usually proficient at techniques that trigger an emotional response such as pouting, eye rolling, and making statements like “I was just trying to….”. These students are the hardest to deal with but getting them to see things your way is not impossible.

I posted recently about s conversation I had with a man I have enjoyed as a lover and his inability to u derstand and respect “no”. In my post I outlined my dealings with my ex lover and my very clear no. That, I thought, was that. How wrong I was. I received a couple of messages during the week about “accidental” messages automatically sent from social media apps like Snapchat and then whammo we are talking again. Well he is talking and asking me to video chat with him (he has been working in an extremely remote location over the Christmas Break). Of course I replied no. As I put my phone down I said to it “I am not going to fuck you.”

Of course he didn’t hear that, not that it would make any difference. The problem is even as I was saying the words a small part of me was protesting. He is attractive. He does have sex appeal and there were aspects of fucking him that I enjoyed. A tiny part of me almost believes that idea that it will be different if I give him another chance. Of course the rational part of me has to step in and firmly remind the positive, fantasy me of the frustration and dissapointment that is the most likely outcome if I give in.

Sometimes being the most responsible adult in the room is hard.