Every teacher in the world knows my pain when I say that reports were due at 9 am this morning. Needless to say my workplace this morning was filled with bleary eyed people mainlining coffee and comparing their bed times from the night before. There was also a limited amount of enthusiasm for my excitement when I met the 9am deadline because the vast majority of my collegues did not and we’re facing another day of trying to convince classes to work quietly while they attempted to plough through what remained of their marking and data uploading. While I am happy with my achievement this is not a post aimed at boosting my self esteem with boasting it is more of a sharing of my discovery this week of the deep well of positivity hidden deep inside of me.
Back in my pre-depression days (well at least before I was diagnosed) a friend commented to me that I was one of the most positive people he had ever met. Lately I have been wondering where that positivity has gone to. My friend the Black Dog has been a very regular visitor and his visits have been making it very difficult to see the upside of many situations.
My reason for writing this post though is that throughout the last month or so I seem to have found a way to begin to tap into this well of positivity again. I have discovered that it wasn’t lost, merely hiding. In the weeks leading up to my deadline I found a focus that I have not been able to tap into for quite a while. I formulated a plan and I stuck to it. Every day I set myself a small goal, knowing that if I achieved this I would make the big goal on time.
It worked. But what stuck in my mind was how positive I was that I was going to make the deadline, I never felt in the days before that is wasn’t going to make it. In the words of Eminem “success was my only motherfucking option”. And so now I share my success with you because I am feeling very pleased with myself and my collegues are not really able to share my excitement.
This week’s questions are so delicious! I know you won’t be able to stop at just one so go ahead, indulge yourself and uncover some secrets at the TMI page
I thought long and hard about this one but I am relatively certain that the answer is no. Which, given the headspace I am in right at this moment, I am a little sad about. It is very unlikely that I will ever engage in sexual exploits at my current employment because that kind of thing is very, very inappropriate. Believe me when I say I ame the furtherest thing from the fun police you will ever find but there are some lines that should never be crossed and that is one of them.
2. Do you ever fantasize about your significant other while you are at work?
Absolutely! And of course other people, especially Pet. Although there are days when I don’t have time or the inclination to think about anything not work related. When I first started teaching I was determined to keep my Gemma life very separated. Once I walked through the school gate I refused to even message people. These days I have become a little more relaxed and the boundaries have moved a little. But everything is firmly in my head and has a much lower priority.
3. How old was the oldest person with whom you’ve had sex.
I am not sure of exact ages of everyone I have had sex with but I am relatively certain that I have not had sex with someone who is in their sixties. I think the oldest would be late fifties. I know a lot of men are very worried about their age. In the on line dating swingers world there seems to be this barrier around the 40 mark. The cut off age for some parties is 40 along with the cut off age for a lot of profiles. There is also this idea that younger men are more desirable. I have been approached by younger men but in all honesty they are often too high maintenance for me. I find men like Mr Jones and Pet who are both well past 40 to be much more respectful and sensitive to what makes me tick.
Note to self; I need to change my dating profile to extend my upper age acceptance level.
4. Have you ever fallen asleep during sex?
No! If I am that tired I usually excuse myself and go to sleep before things get too serious. If things are that boring I do the same thing. I think telling someone that it isn’t working for you may be hard but it is definitely going to hurt their feelings much less than if you start snoring right before they execute thier master move!
5. Have you ever cross-dressed or worn undergarments of the opposite sex?
No not really. It isn’t something I have ever thought of doing or been asked to do. I haven written on these pages before about Pet’s predeliction for wearing women’s underwear. Especially ones that belong to women he actually fucks. He has told me that most women are not receptive to his particular kink which I think is kind of sad. Mostly because making someone feel like they are weird for being the way they are is very selfish.
Secondly I personally find watching someone enjoy themselves extremely sexy. Or maybe I just love the sight of a man’s cock covered in slinky, lacy fabric. Mmmmmmm.
For me this one was a bit of a no brainer. Sadly it would be my mother. Already I can see a lot of you thinking “My Mum is the most important person in the world to me. How could you even consider banishing your mother?”
Believe me I would love to have the kind of mother that is the first person I call up when I have a problem or need help with something but sadly my mother is not one of those people. Instead she is a very controlling and manipulative person. Her primary method of controlling people is by guilt which has caused me endless heartache in my life. It has taken me the best part of 40 years to learn how to deal with this but I have noticed recently that even a phone call to my mother can trigger my depression. Earlier in the week I had to call her to tell her that I wouldn’t be coming to visit as I had previously planned because of work and family commitments. Her response of the abandoned parent almost instantly triggered that old feeling of being so tired all I could manage to do is hibernate in my bed with the blanket over my head.
So yes. Not having her in my life would be all kinds of wonderful.
During the last school holidays (two weeks after Easter) I had grand plans of spending time writing more of my story to post on my “Corruption of Mrs Jones” page. I was feeling very positive and upbeat about life in general after spending a week pottering around a small beach community with my family. But, as the saying goes, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. I wrote a small amount and the rest of my time go swallowed up with things that seemed important at the time but right now I cannot remember what they were.
In the past I would have beaten myself around the head with guilt at this failure to complete what I set out to do but I have learned to be more gentle with myself these days. Instead I noted it, and then got on with life. Rather I got on with letting life push me along at its whim. It wasn’t until I had a conversation with Mr Jones about a few things that are happening in our relationship that I realised this wasn’t the best pathway to choose. Our relationship is not suffering, in some ways it is stronger than ever. But the level of physical and emotional intimacy between us at the moment is very low.
There are a number of reasons for this, related to what is happening in our house at the moment;
- Mr Jones’ parents have just moved in with us
- We have two teenage children who take up a lot of our time and emotional energy
- For the first time in about seven years I am working full time.
All of these things of course ar the result of choices that we have both made about the direction of our lives. Having said that when we made these decisions we didn’t imagine that they would converge together in this way. Except maybe the parent moving in part. We knew that wasn’t going to be easy but we felt it was necessary.
What we didn’t consciously choose to have going on was for me to develop depression. To be fair I am not contemplating death constantly nor am I self harming daily but I have noticed that I have a tendency to disengage from “real” life. This means I sleep a lot more than I really need to and also spend a lot of time doing pointless activity like gaming on my iPad. Sometimes I justify this as ‘me time’ but really it isn’t healthy. It also means I have disconnected from important people like Mr Jones to a certain extent.
After my chat with my husband about where we are at with our sex life I came to think about all of this as looking inwards. Depression is a very strange beast. To me, most of the symptoms and behaviours are things that I just need to tell myself to “get over it and get on with it” but I am learning as time goes on that it isn’t as simple as all that. Sometimes I do need to just buck up but sometimes I need to be a little more cunning with my approach and trick the black dog into letting go.
And so at this juncture I find myself searching for ways to look outwards more often. I can’t completely stop dead looking inwards because deciding to do that is setting myself up to fail. I just need to choose to look outwards more often. The form the outwards looking will take is not entirely clear in my mind. Like a lot of things in my life I will just have to make it up as I go along. I am not sure if all of this will enable me to continue to share my story but I hope that I will visit these pages more often to shre my musings as a kind of therapy.
So here is to looking outwards and re-connecting with the world. Even just a little bit.