Recently I have joked to a couple of my chat friends that I am thinking about becoming celibate. They think the concept is hilarious. In their minds and probably in their fantasies I am still the sex goddess I was when they met me. I guess in some ways I am. In many others I am not.
The last couple of years have seen a lot of changes in my life. I think, finally, I have become a grownup. I have a real job; one where I have to be responsible all the time. I am currently the only person in my household that actually has a full time job so in some ways I am kind of the breadwinner. No not really, that would be too much grown up even for me. For the first time in a long time I am thinking about the future and the direction that I want to steer my life. Probably the most grown up thing a person can do.
What, I hear you ask, have either of those things got to do with not being a sex goddess? The answer is actually not very much. Other than my headspace is not constantly occupied with thoughts or plans for the next adventure. Something that was a key part of being a sex goddess. These days when people ask me about my fucket list my answer is; “Fucket list, oh yeh I remember what one of those is”
I just realised; another key indicator of being a grown up, I use semi colons in my writing. Or is that a side effect of being a teacher? I don’t know but it a bit freaky, here I am pouring my heart out to the void of the Internet and I am ticking off grammar and sentence structure in my head. I need a really good fuck.
So we were talking about fucket lists. I remember that I have often said I don’t like to have a specific list. But I guess that I kind of did. I kind of remember what was on it. Right now my fucket list consists of; have sex with my husband, have sex with Engineer X. Not necessarily in that order. Logistics seem to get in the way a lot these days. People think that having small children is a drag on your sex life. Those people really have no idea. Mainly because they are yet to experience having teenagers living with you. Small children don’t know, or care, if they walk in on you having sex. They are not scarred by the experience. What’s more they go to bed at a sensible hour meaning you can actually have pre sex on the couch before you start falling asleep. Teenagers don’t do that. They want to stay up and share their rubbish idea of what is good TV and make it awkward if you want to make sexy jokes with your husband. What’s worse is they don’t go to bed nice and early so that you can invite over some special people or when you get dressed to go out and meet said special people they ask all kinds of questions about where you are going.
Actually my teenagers have kind of got the hint that asking too many questions is not a good idea so I guess I have trained them to a certain extent but it is still awkward getting out the door some days. Mr Jones is much more concerned about that kind of thing that me. I feel more comfortable being relatively candid. He does not. So we land somewhere in between which is, by definition, awkward. I guess I just have to keep telling myself that it is only temporary. Not that I am expecting them to move out but I am definitely not going to sugar coat things for my eighteen year old children just to spare them some awkwardness. That is just creating a rod for your own back.
It seems I have worked through and dismissed my standard list of excuses for not being sexy enough so now I am left with a task; hang up my goddess cape or stop making excuses. My friends are right, hanging up the cape is a hilarious idea. Hilarious because it is so unlikely. And because I simply don’t want to. As much as Mr Jones is irritating me right now he is just going to have to get out his impressive junk and use it on me. Because a happy wife makes for a happy life and to be happier I need more sex in my life.
Thanks for listening Internet Void, you are the best therapist ever.
1. If you are on facebook, when was the last time you had to “unfriend” someone and why?
I am notorious for avoiding conflict. So “unfriending” is not something I generally do. When I first read this question I could not think of the last time that I did unfriend someone. However as I was writing I remembered the last time was when Pet and I went our separate ways. It was not an acrimonious ‘break up’ by any stretch. – He decided we were done, I said O.K and that was it. I was a bit bummed by the turn of events but we are grown ups and i decided that pursuing reasons and ‘closure’ was not worth the pain.
However I did decide that he didn’t need to be part of my Facebook world anymore. So he is no longer on my friends list.
2. What are you addicted to?
Hard question. I guess it depends on how you define addiction. In terms of a weakness that I find hard to resist it would be shoes. My last pair are my new favourites;
3. What are the first 3 things you do every morning?
Say good morning to Mr Jones, feed the bird, and get dressed. Not necessarily in that order. Often the bird comes first mainly because he is so loud.
4. How lucky are you and why?
- I have a fantastic husband and kids
- I live in a fantastic house and in a place with an almost perfect climate.
- I am lucky enough to have my cake and eat it.
5. What is one thing you’re embarrassed to admit you want to try?
I am often embarrassed about of lots of things that I do and say. I can’t think of a thing that I have always wanted to try that I am specifically embarrassed about. One of the key things that I often find myself apologising for is wanting to try badass pole moves that involve pain and using an ‘armpit grip’. Things that look like this;
Absolutely yes. I am proud of the way I do my job and I believe that I put in everything for my students and that they benefit from it. I am proud of what I do on my pole. Most of all I am proud of my marriage. Together we have built a great lifestyle and family. We have established complete and habitual honesty which has made our relationship work so well.
During the last school holidays (two weeks after Easter) I had grand plans of spending time writing more of my story to post on my “Corruption of Mrs Jones” page. I was feeling very positive and upbeat about life in general after spending a week pottering around a small beach community with my family. But, as the saying goes, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. I wrote a small amount and the rest of my time go swallowed up with things that seemed important at the time but right now I cannot remember what they were.
In the past I would have beaten myself around the head with guilt at this failure to complete what I set out to do but I have learned to be more gentle with myself these days. Instead I noted it, and then got on with life. Rather I got on with letting life push me along at its whim. It wasn’t until I had a conversation with Mr Jones about a few things that are happening in our relationship that I realised this wasn’t the best pathway to choose. Our relationship is not suffering, in some ways it is stronger than ever. But the level of physical and emotional intimacy between us at the moment is very low.
There are a number of reasons for this, related to what is happening in our house at the moment;
- Mr Jones’ parents have just moved in with us
- We have two teenage children who take up a lot of our time and emotional energy
- For the first time in about seven years I am working full time.
All of these things of course ar the result of choices that we have both made about the direction of our lives. Having said that when we made these decisions we didn’t imagine that they would converge together in this way. Except maybe the parent moving in part. We knew that wasn’t going to be easy but we felt it was necessary.
What we didn’t consciously choose to have going on was for me to develop depression. To be fair I am not contemplating death constantly nor am I self harming daily but I have noticed that I have a tendency to disengage from “real” life. This means I sleep a lot more than I really need to and also spend a lot of time doing pointless activity like gaming on my iPad. Sometimes I justify this as ‘me time’ but really it isn’t healthy. It also means I have disconnected from important people like Mr Jones to a certain extent.
After my chat with my husband about where we are at with our sex life I came to think about all of this as looking inwards. Depression is a very strange beast. To me, most of the symptoms and behaviours are things that I just need to tell myself to “get over it and get on with it” but I am learning as time goes on that it isn’t as simple as all that. Sometimes I do need to just buck up but sometimes I need to be a little more cunning with my approach and trick the black dog into letting go.
And so at this juncture I find myself searching for ways to look outwards more often. I can’t completely stop dead looking inwards because deciding to do that is setting myself up to fail. I just need to choose to look outwards more often. The form the outwards looking will take is not entirely clear in my mind. Like a lot of things in my life I will just have to make it up as I go along. I am not sure if all of this will enable me to continue to share my story but I hope that I will visit these pages more often to shre my musings as a kind of therapy.
So here is to looking outwards and re-connecting with the world. Even just a little bit.
This week the topic posted on the TMI site celebrates spring as this season is fast approaching in the Northern Hemisphere. Here in the Southern Hemisphere the days are getting shorter and we are officially in Autumn. Where I live summer is still hanging on with a vengeance. So I have modified the questions slightly to suit. For more TMI goodness check out the other posts on the TMI Tuesday page.
1. Spring vacation, will you take one? Where?
In Australia it is traditional to take a short vacation around Easter which is on 5 April. My family and I will be heading away this year for a week at the beach which I am very much looking forward to.
Spring time love.
2. Do you become friskier as the temperatures outside heat up?
I will admit that I do find it exciting when the temperatures outside climb high enough to start shedding clothing. But right now after several months of incredible humidity and ridiculous temperatures I am looking forward to being able to cuddle without a layer of sweat building up between us within the first thirty seconds
3. Do you flirt more in spring vs. other times of the year?
I haven’t actually thought about wether there is a seasonal trend to my flirting. Generally I flirt more when I am feeling relaxed and comfortable with life. That can happen any time of the year really.
4. Do you dress sexier in the spring?
I wear less clothing in the warmer months which for most people means sexier I guess. I am fortunate to live in a climate that is quite warm for most of the year and so even during the coldest months there isn’t really a need to wear layers and layers of clothing. One thing that I can only wear during the cooler months is boots. Right now I am happily anticipating the cooler months so that I can get out my knee high boots and shop around for a new pair of thigh highs.
5. What day of the week do you have sex most often?
Until quite recently Mr Jones and I had an almost religious Saturday morning routine. However one of our children has taken up a Saturday morning sport which has totally blasted that one out of the water. People who think small children kill your sex life should wait until they have teenagers! Honestly I can’t even begin to count the creative ways my teenagers conspire to kill my sex life.
Falling in love takes one-fifth of a second
It takes a fifth-of-a-second for the euphoria-inducing chemicals to start acting on the brain when you are looking at that special someone. –Source
6. Do you use kissing as an important way to test out a new mate? Good kissers, keep and move forward to another stage in a budding relationship. Bad kissers, get pruned and dumped.
I am in a very long term relationship so I am not looking for a love type partner. I am open to the possibility of a new sex partner however. There is something incredibly sexy about that first kiss which makes me want to fuck the right person right then and there!
7. What do you expect from marriage?
a. safety and solidarity and security
b. a journey towards self-fulfillment and self-actualization with a partner that ‘gets’ you.
In my completely honest opinion I expect both a. and b. from my marriage, I do expect safety, solidarity and security, not the financial, traditional type but most definitely I expect my relationship to be a place where I can safely express myself. I expect that my relationship is secure and I know where I stand from one day to the next and I expect my partner to be on my side especially when it comes to important things like parenting children and dealing with extended family issues.
I believe that if all of these things are in place then a ‘journey towards self -fulfilment and self-actualisation’ will follow as a matter of course.
8. Acts of love &; kindness. Which would mean more to you:
a. Taking your partner a cup of tea in bed (or receiving that cup of tea)
b. Giving or receiving a box of chocolates or flowers
For me the most romantic thing someone can do for me is pay attention to what is happening in my life at the time and perform an act that is designed to help me with something I am struggling with. This week Mr Jones has really stepped up to the plate. Coming home in the afternoon to a clean house has meant much more than coming home to a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates.
Bonus: In your late teens or early 20s did you take wild spring break vacations with friends? What is the wildest, craziest, sexiest thing you did on a “gone wild” spring break?
I was a very, very boring teenager and sadly I have no tales of drunken wild party filled holidays to share with my children.
I do however have every intention of taking vacations that my children worry about my grandchildren discovering as I head into retirement.
1. What are some challenges related to your sex life?
The main challenge that our sex life faces at the moment is being the parents of two teenage children. They don’t go to bed nice and early like they used to and unfortunately our bedroom opens into the main kitchen/living space of our house. The kids think that this makes our bedroom an extension of the lounge room. Not conducive to intimacy or a great sex life.
2. Is quality or quantity most important?
For a long time a great source of tension in our marriage was the quantity of sex. When one partner feels that they are not getting enough it becomes difficult to focus on quality and to let squabbles about quantity become all consuming.
A long journey later my focus has become very much on quality. Of course the old demon of quantity still rears its ugly head from time to time but it is becoming easier to tame.
3. How much sex is enough?
Continuing on from the last question this is a question I have asked Mr Jones and myself many times over the eighteen years of our relationship. I have never really come up with an absolute quantity.
Having said that it is easy to tell when you are not getting enough sex in our relationship. When I start to feel a distance and decrease in intimacy I know that it is time to take drastic action.
4. I want to have more _____ .
Sexy underwear and shoes. Two things you can never have enough of in your wardrobe.
5. I would like to attempt new sex positions such as _____ .
I honestly can’t think of a sex position that I have been wanting to try. Usually if there is something new to try I try it straight away. My attention span is really short. I have to strike while the iron is hot.
6. I would like to stop doing _____ sex position.
I can’t understand why anyone would keep doing anything sexual that they don’t enjoy. There is compromise and there is taking one for the team. Compromise is something that may entail a bit of give and take but definitely not something that you don’t enjoy but agree to do again.
7. To me foreplay means _____ .
Anything that gets your motor running. Anything.
8. Something I think about a lot related to sex is _____ .
I cannot think of a single thing that I think about a lot, related to sex. The things that spring to mind are making Pet’s ass nice and pink, Mr Jones’ cock and squirting.
Bonus: Tell us something you love about your sex life.
I love the freedom that I have to experience adventures as they come to mind. Even though it has been a long journey and sometimes hard work the process that Mr Jones and I have gone through has allowed us to enjoy adventures and experiences that many people aren’t even able to imagine.
Ten years ago I would never have believed that I would come this far.
Make sure that you visit the TMI Tuesday page for more TMI goodness.
As some of my colleagues and I shared a drink to celebrate the end of another week attempting to educate other people’s children the conversation turned to what everyone was planning for Valentine’s Day. A range of ideas were shared including simple nights in watching movies to potential dinner dates and movie dates to the heavily promoted “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
I have mixed feelings about this book/movie franchise. Reqding the first book didnt convince me it was a good idea to spend my hard earned cash or precious time on the second and third books. For me the book consisted of a string of unrealistic scenarios that titillated a little at first but became monotonous as time went on.
The thing that really got under my skin was how unrealistic everything was. I mean how many people out there have an earth shattering number of orgasms the first time we have sex? How many twenty year old virgins would even consider getting in to a relationship with someone as intense and demanding as Christian Grey, no matter how much money he had? I understand that the reason for the book’s popularity is the whole Mills and Boon style romantic fantasy. I also get that for most people this is the first book they have read that describes sex in graphic detail.Maybe that is why the books took off; not because they are good literature but because it is different.
As part of a promotion for the movie release a local radio station has this week been running a segment featuring a couple whose sex life has wandered away from regular lust filled nights to more mundane and less regular sessions. The deal was that the couple were to spend the week having sex every day, trying something that they hadn’t tried each time. Of course bondage featured as one of the ‘tasks’ the couple were required to complete but the whole focus was more on increasing the intimacy between them based on the alarming statistic that 70% of couples don’t feel there is enough intimacy in their relationship.
At the end of the week the sum up for the couple was that being forced in a way to complete the tasks and make the effort made a difference. This may come as a surprise to you all but I found many similarities between their situation and my own. Yes I am a sex goddess but I am also a full time teacher and a super mother. Sometimes the sex goddess is a role I only put on for other people in the same way that you clean your house for guests and put out the good china.
During this week I decided to take on board some of what the radio station guinea pigs were doing. I made sure I put priority on cuddles and doing the things I know Mr Jones likes. We talked about being more intimate and communicated our thoughts and ideas. I put in the sex goddess for him as well as my other fans. In the end it worked. The little rift that was opening up between us has closed nicely.In true superwoman style I was able to still cover all my other bases, including being a legendary sex goddess for Pet, and still rock the world with my husband. Somi have to agree with the line that was being promoted on the radio station, sometimes the excuses offered for a decrease in intimacy between couples are just that, excuses. If you make you relationship a priority those excuses fade away.
So where does all this fit into Fifty Shades? There are a lot of articles and blog posts that express different viewpoints about FSOG. Many of the ones I have come across are quite negative. My thoughts; There are issues with this book. It does stylise and romanticise bondage in a way that doesn’t help people who are genuinely curious, it does make the abuse of power in a relationship look romantic and desirable and it definitely presents a very inaccurate picture of the BDSM world. But there are positives about it. In a world obsessed with sex but full of people who don’t know how to go about making their relationships more satisfying at least it got some of us talking about sex. At the least it opened the mainstream public’s eyes to the possibility that there is something other than lights out missionary position, once a year sex. It is up to the community of enlightened people now to continue with the momentum and get more helpful, positive stories and information out there.
Due to life in general the TMI questions were posted a little late this week but I like the questions and so you are having an end of the week treat.
1. I am in need of an intervention for my obsession with _____ . The Facebook game Hey Day. At the start of the Christmas school holidays my children started me playing the game with them and I became addicted. The children have moved on to other interests now but Mr Jones and I are still obsessed.
2. You are being auctioned off. What is your unique selling point? Rather than blow my own trumpet I decided to ask Pet for his input on this one as he insists I am one of the most interesting people I know. His answer; “Your enquiring mind and willingness to try new things” So make an offer
3. On a scale of 1-5 how many stars did your mom or dad give your current significant other or your favorite, longest lasting love? (1 is bad, 5 is great) When I first met Mr Jones our relationship progressed quite quickly. We were married within about two years of meeting and I was seven months pregnant on my first wedding anniversary. When we announced our engagement my mother actually tried to talk me out of it!! So I would say their rating at that time was around 1. Seventeen years later their view has changed somewhat. I wouldn’t say they would give him a solid five but he would easily achieve a 3.5 or 4.
4. Most of the meals I eat are: a. Cooked in a microwave b. Cooked in the oven/stove c. Made by someone else Absolutely unequivocally b.! I wouldn’t say I am a food nazi by any means but I am passionate about eating vegetables and try to include them in most meals. I also believe in having a good understanding of where your food comes from and so I like to eat foods that are made completely from scratch this includes, tomato sauce, pasta, jams, pastry and ice cream.
5. When work and life stress me out, nothing relieves the tension like _____ . A good long session of sexual play involving lots of oral sex and penetration in several different positions. Including a few kinks such as spanking and hair pulling also helps.
Bonus: Write and answer your own bonus question. Again with this one I enlisted the help of Pet. His question was; “What is top on your Fucket List of Things to Try?” This is a hard question for me, I don’t have a very long fucket list. As I explained to someone recently I am a very spur of the moment person and I tend to get excited about trying something but if it can’t be engineered relatively quickly I tend to lose interest. However I do have things in my mind that I want to do and the most pressing of these include;
- Exploring rope play a little more with Mr Jones
- Exploring rope play on men a little more in general. I am interested in using rope to increase pleasure for a man by stimulating pressure points etc but it is difficult to find images or information. Most of the information out there is based around men tying women.
- Lastly I am investigating different implements and building up ways to make Pet’s arse nice and pink because I have developed a fascination for that. We are taking it slowly because we are both new at it and he needs to build up his tolerance and I need to build up my dominance but we are both definitely enjoying the journey.
When I talk to vanilla people about my relationship with Mr Jones one of the most common reactions is “I respect your right to choose how you live your life but I couldn’t possibly be like that with my wife / partner” Which is a completely understandable reaction. I guess the thing that most people don’t consider is that we didn’t wake up one day and decide that we were going to have an open marriage. The decision itself to open the door was one that took a long time (like years) to happen.
I remember very clearly when Mr Jones and I made our relationship permanent telling him that I was not going to hold a physical infidelity against him because I knew that he loved me and no matter how many women he fucked outside of our marriage he wasn’t going to leave me. There were a few factors that led to that feeling of confidence; Firstly I was confident of myself in those days in a way that I am not so much now. Secondly he had been in several very serious relationships before I came along and I was the first woman he seriously considered having children with.
I knew that he considered having children a very serious thing. It wasn’t an endeavour that you entered into with just anyone unlike getting engaged. Which seems to be the opposite of most people’s ideas. Maybe that is the reason there are so many mixed families out there and so many children who don’t have a good idea of family or security. But we digress.
Another thing that I remember very clearly and I am not sure if I ever voiced this fear, I know I certainly didn’t at the time. Was that I was deflated by the idea that I would never have sex with another person except Mr Jones. It wasn’t that I didn’t like sex with him, it was some of the best sex I had ever experienced. But rather that I feared becoming old and stale and that I would be missing out on something.
So there we were, almost drowning in the emotional sea of having young children and dealing with life in general. I was struggling with the effect of children on the quantity of my sleep, on my career and on the way the world viewed me. He was struggling with an unexpected sense of responsibility, a sudden change in the amount of my attention he was receiving and more specifically a lack of physical contact between us.
As time wore on the conflict between what I wanted and what I thought I should do became stronger and stronger. I have realised only recently the massive amount of guilt I automatically heap upon myself at every opportunity. Given this you can imagine how much guilt I was carrying around. Mother guilt, wife guilt, daughter guilt and, just in case it wasn’t enough, guilt for not having enough guilt. All of this negativity had a serious impact on my confidence in myself as well as my general outlook. I withdrew from everything including my marriage. But instead of recognising what was happening I took the view that the problem was the marriage, it wasn’t supporting me in the way I needed.
I was very passive / aggressive at that time. I didn’t stand up for myself I just held on to my negative feelings and tried to hide them because, you guessed it, I felt guilty that I wasn’t the perfect modern superwoman.
Things came to a head when a work colleague took advantage of my unhappiness and insecurity and after much coercion on his part and a quantity of alcohol on my part I ended up naked with him. It would be much cooler if there was swinging from the rafters sex but the reality of things is that we had both drunk too much, I was consumed by guilt and fear and he couldn’t even get an erection. So was there sex? Technically no but I definitely cheated.
This series of events became a turning point in my marriage for a lot of reasons. Firstly I bought to a head some of the issues that had led to the infidelity in the first place. Despite my conviction that he was oblivious to my feelings and issues Mr Jones knew something was amiss and so he had preempted my infidelity a little. In an intense discussion he made me promise that I was going to be honest about everything that happened. He had worked out that my work colleague was cutting his grass so to speak and he knew it was probably only a matter of time.
Because of all of this I fessed up almost immediately. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. What followed was an intense few months of late night deep and meaningful conversations, painful and frustrating revelations of feelings, long buried and hidden from each other and of course, guilt. On the plus side issues that both of us had were voiced, and actions were taken to deal with them. Both of us learned a lot about communication and honesty. But more importantly we both learned that the only factor that was going to end our marriage was ourselves. The actions of other people didn’t have any effect as long as we kept communicating with each other.
It wasn’t immediately after this series of events, both of us needed some time to heal, but because of the things we learned about each other that Mr Jones suggested that we open the door of our bedroom and enter into the mysterious world of swinging.
Thanks to Virtual Sin for the questions this week. And of course to the lovely Hedone for the extra sixth?? question.
1. Do you believe in marraige?
Obviously yes. I am married and have been for sixteen years now. I often feel that I am in the minority of people today being married to the father of all of my children with absolutely no intention of having any more children to any other men.
2. Have you ever proposed marraige or been proposed to marry? What happened?
Mr Jones’ proposal was a little bit of an anticlimax. He made a point of not proposing until he was sure I would say yes. So there was an answer before the question. He did make the effort to take me to a nice outdoor lake where there was no-one around which was about as romantic as he got in those days.
3. What would be your dream way of proposing marraige?
I think I must be getting old. I don’t really go for the lavish romantic gestures these days. Also, because I am already married to the person I am going to grow old with I don’t really think too much about that kind of thing. I think a low key, romantic dinner and a private discussion would probably be my ideal right now.
4. What would be your nightmarish way of proposing marraige?
A completely out of the blue very public proposal in front of a large crowd of spectators from someone I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to marry would probably be the worst thing I could think of.
5. Mainstream society has engagement rings; in your opinion what token should be given to signify engagement?
A couple that we are acquainted with are a mixed race marraige with the man coming from Papua New Guinea. At the time that they got married they didn’t have a lot and their wedding consisted of a ‘one pig’ feast. It has been a standard joke between Mr Jones and Myself that I am worth at least ten pigs. The reasoning behind this Melanesian custom is that a man shows his worth as a husband and provider by the number and size of the pigs he can acquire and look after. A woman shows her worth as a wife and mother by the number and size of the pigs she can command as a ‘bride price’
At the risk of antagonising the feminists out there I think in its purest form this custom is actually a good way of showing the value that a future husband and wife place on each other and themselves. In our culture there is a lot of emphasis placed on engagement rings which ultimately only benefits the jeweller when the prospective husband is forced to part with a substantial amount of hard earned cash so that his fiance has something worthwhile to show off at work and family functions.
Would you like to participate in an “open” marraighe vs a traditional monogamous marraige? Why / why not?
Well obviously the answer to this one is yes. Why? because it is just better than monogamy. Don’t get me wrong an open marraigh is not for the faint of heart. I could write a whole post about this topic. Oh wait that is what this blog is about!
Bonus: Tell us about someone you would have proposed to but never had the chance / opportunity.
Well actually there isn’t anyone. I am married to “The One” and I can’t think of anyone who came before him who I did actually want to marry.
I almost forgot! Make sure you check out all the juicy TMI goodness right HERE