Why Oh Why – Seven Questions About Love and Loss

These questions were posed by Duncan Lory at “Your Sex Interview I am hoping that he doesn’t mind that I lifted them so that I could share some deep insights with you. Or at least some rambling stuff.

1. Why do the ones we desire the most — always have the most desire for someone else?

The obvious answer to this one is because we always want what we can’t have. I guess this is a basic feature of human nature. When we go out for dinner, the meal ordered by someone else always looks better than ours, the dress that our friend buys looks better than the one we got, even when ours was the last one on the rack and it was 60% off.

In my experience the people we desire and pursue the most are not always the ones we should be pursuing. We always seem to crave what is unhealthy. So perhaps making sure what we are pursuing is not available is the universe protecting us from ourselves.

2. Why are those who need the most improvement — always the ones who are the most critical?

My husband used to have a friend who had a very low self esteem. In a side note it turned out that he also had a bit of a thing for young boys and ended up in jail. Hence the ex-friend status.

However, whenever you played a game with this person he HAD to win by crushing his opponent. It was not enough for him to win by a small margin. It had to be significant. Clearly this person needed improvement. Not just in his sexual preferences. There were a lot of aspects of his life that were not up to scratch. I guess his opinion of himself was so low that he simply couldn’t see himself winning at anything purely from his own ability. The only way he was able to make himself feel good was to make someone else feel bad.

Fast forward to now. My own battles with the black dog have shown me that when I am down and struggling I lash out and hurt the people around me. It seems to be human nature to hurt others when we are in pain ourselves. It is easier to hurt or be critical of someone than it is to deal with our garbage and pull ourselves upward.

3. Why aren’t the ones we are the most attracted to — required by law, to sleep with us?

Recently I had a conversation with a guy on the dating app that I use that kind of answers this question. His profile was a bit bland but one of his photos kind of intrigued me so I responded to his initial message. The second message and a re-read of his profile made me decide that I wasn’t interested. So I messaged back saying I wasn’t really seeing new people right now. the conversation went like this;

“Sorry for taking up your time but I am not really seeing new people right now.” Me

“You looked at my profile and then you wrote that why don’t you just be honest.” Him

Ok if you want to play it that way. Your pics are not that great and I don’t find them that sexy. Your profile is bland and it doesn’t have anything in it that interests me.”

“This is a sex site not a dating app”

It was hard for me to walk away from the last comment without unleashing a diatribe about having the right to choose who I fuck on my terms and just because he has a penis does not mean he has the right to fuck whoever he chooses. You get the picture.

Many people when seeking out sex don’t stop to consider the other person. It happens all the time in the swing scene. A couple attend an event or a club with a list of fantasies or wishes and when the object of their desire does not respond and act the way they fantasised they get all uppity and cranky about it.

Sex is a two way thing. There has to be attraction from both parties. If you are fucking someone who doesn’t want you, that is rape, or at very very best non consensual.

So there are actually three more questions in this series. Stay tuned.