First things first. Congratulations to May More over at SexMatters for the new incarnation of Food 4 Thought which is now know as 4 Thoughts or Fiction. I am really excited about the new format and meeting some excellent new bloggers.
Now on to the current prompt “Forgiveness”
About a year ago I posted about unexpectedly running into Pet at a club. I acknowledged that despite my best attempts to put this lover firmly into my past I had not been as successful in moving on as I had thought. The encounter was unsatisfying. The unanswered questions were still unanswered. The feeling of confusion and rejection was still there, just buried further down. I certainly had not found another man that pushed my boundaries and excited me the way he had.
And then two days ago he popped up on my Twitter feed as liking a random comment I made about something that had happened a while ago. I was confused. I don’t follow him, I cut all ties. To prevent myself from stalking. Sometimes I go and do what he did and look up his Facebook profile but honestly I try to keep him firmly in my past.
It bugged me that he had clicked the fateful “like” button. Why couldn’t he just stalk like a normal person and leave no trace? Why did he have to disturb the peace I had come to with myself?
So I messaged him. Of course it was weird. He just talked to me like we were two friends chatting that had never missed a beat. All of my questions hung in my mind but I was not brave enough to ask them. I didn’t know how to without sounding like some emotionally retarded woman who couldn’t act like a grown up and be cool. Obviously our relationship followed an unconventional path, there was no expected pattern, or rules, or social conventions to govern it. That was one of the problems. I couldn’t talk about it to anyone because no-one would understand. And deep down I worried that I was making a mountain out of a molehill.
Eventually we addressed the elephant in the room. Did I have a moment when everything seemed to lift and it all made perfect sense? In short, no? Was his reasoning for what happened unexpected, yes? It was all very predictable really.
In the cold light of day reflecting on what happened. I know that I am never going to be happy about how it ended or that it ended at all. We never want good things to end. I also know that forgiveness is not about letting him off the hook. He acted like a complete Prima Donna with very little concern for others and from what I have observed it has not changed. His behavior was not OK and the fact that he hasn’t recognised that means he is still a twat. But I can still forgive. I have to.
Forgiveness is not about coming to the realisation that someone else’s behaviour is acceptable or even justifiable. It is about realising that events are what they are and that life goes on. It is about getting to a place where someone else’s actions no longer dictate your feelings or actions. So that is where I am right now. Holding the door to that chapter of my past and firmly closing it behind me.
This post is part of the new 4 Thoughts or Fiction. Click on the badge below to see who else is writing about forgiveness