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I said No!

I recently read a post by Ophelia outlining some experiences she had involving being raped by men one of whom she considered to be a very good friend. In both situations there was no violence, nor did the men consider that coercing a woman into having sex simply by not accepting no and sneaking their dick into her vagina was wrong.

I am fortunate that I have not had an experience where I felt as violated as Ophelia. But I think there is not a woman on the planet who has not agreed to sex with a man, based purely on her desire but simply because she got tired of the nagging and saying yes was easier than enforcing her initial no. It can be argued that many women are not very good at saying no and I am a very vocal supporter of the idea that mothers have just as much responsibility to teach their daughters to say “no” clearly and confidently as they do to teach their sons about respecting “no”. In the past I have been privately very critical of women who give out mixed messages and then complain about men who don’t get the hint. I try very hard to be honest and up front with my partners and many of them have commented on how easy it makes life to know where they stand. Recently however I had an experience that made me question my approach.

I met The Fireman initially through an online dating website. We chatted but nothing came to pass until I became part of a Facebook group he was hosting. He was a very sexy guy and I was definitely very keen. We met up a couple of times and the future looked full of fun times and fantasies being fulfilled. However he turned out to be, putting it kindly, a bit of a flake. Plans always seemed to be massaged, Mr Jones and I were left waiting in bars, and on one occasion fully stood up. As time went by he seemed to lose interest and I moved on. Then out of the blue, he was back again. The conversation went something like this;

F (Fireman): Hey guys

G (Gemma ): Hello

F: sends dick pic -do you miss him, he misses you

G: Oh a penis (I resisted the urge to add “how cute” )

F: I love your mind and your sexy body. Do you miss me? 

G: I did a while back. It has been a while (again I showed restraint and didn’t add that last time we met it had taken him so long to get his shit together and turn up that our play time had to be cut short to about an hour) 

F: sorry Hun (OMG! I am sooo not your Hun) I have been busy with my business

At this point I mentioned a couple of Facebook posts that seemed to indicate he had a girlfriend for a while, something he denied, but I didn’t believe him. I asked him what he was looking for and he said a regular threesome/ hotwife arrangement. He has a thing for that role play and although he has the body for it his cock is not anywhere up to specification. So I said “we have a regular play buddy at the moment” which is the truth

F: oh đŸ˜¢ I guess I missed the boat. Is there room for another?

G: No we are happy with what we have right now, sorry. 

There was a bit more to the conversation because he wanted to be petulant and comb through reasons etc. I resisted the urge to vent about his flakiness and lack of respect for my time but I stood my ground quietly and honestly. In the end he said thank you for your Homestay and wished me well. I thought that was that .

I was wrong. In the couple of weeks that followed he contacted me every few days saying hello and making conversation. There was never an actual request for sex but he was blatant,y trying to get in my good books. I resisted the initial urge to be rude because I believe very firmly that being rude just creates unnecessary bad karma. I was also clinging to the misguided idea that I had made my position clear and he knew where he stood.

Of course I was wrong. After a few weeks when he felt that he had charmed me enough he again asked for sex. When I reminded him that I had told him he wasn’t interested he relied with ” but I thought you were”. Why? Because I replied when he messaged me? Because I told him that the posey, staged photos he was sending me were not the best way to impress people? Because I was polite? I was irritated enough to be quite blunt with him, I maintained my resolve to not be rude but I made sure my reply pointed out some of his flakiness in detail and very clearly in kindergarten language said “we are not interested”.

Of course this is not as dramatic as the events Ophelia described but is quite typical of the way a lot of men, particularly those who consider themselves attractive, operate. It is like they have some kind of filter in their ear that translates all of the negative responses they hear into a signal which says “I am really interested, you just have to chase a bit more”. I am sorry but no! When I say no, it means no. I am the mother of a teenage boy and I am also an educator of teenagers. I have made it part of my life mission to educate the young people in my charge about consent. The best description is this video that compares sex to tea.

It is easy for people to understand when someone doesn’t want tea you can’t force them to drink it. The thing the video can’t make clear is that trying to change a persons mind after they have said no is a version of forcing them to drink the tea. Like all the other versions of forcing them to drink the tea it is not OK. As humans we have a responsibility to accept no for an answer. We also have a responsibility to protect the integrity of the no response by using it in a very clear, straightforward way. By this I mean not being that person who says no when they mean yes or the one who encourages the chase by saying no initially.  It is not a simple thing to solve but coercing people less powerful than us, usually women, into sex has to stop! 

When I say no it means no. 

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A Silent World

Last week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt was “Disability”. I haven’t participated in Wicked Wednesday for a while but a recent experience really fitted with the prompt so I wanted to participate. Sadly I was a little bit disorganised and didn’t get my post written in time. I still wanted to share my experience with you all so here it is. Of course I encourage you to visit the Wicked Wednesday site to read some of the other submissions. 


Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

The couple seemed like many other couples I had seen at our regular club. New to things, shy, hiding away in the corner unsure of how to interact in this alien environment. The only thing that gave them away was the sign language. At first I thought that maybe one of them was hearing and one was deaf. It turned out that both were deaf. The lady of the couple was able to lip read and speak a little. The man was not.

Whether it was because of her stronger ability to communicate in a hearing world or because of her more outgoing personality Mrs did all the speaking for both of them. At first I hesitated to speak to them, I struggle to make small talk at the best of times let alone in a situation where I don’t understand their language and they don’t understand mine. But something in me encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and with the help of a notepad we started chatting. 

Once I got used to writing the more complex ideas down in brief notes and started to understand my new friend’s unusual accent I felt more comfortable. Comfortable enough to ask them to play. Through our chatting we had learned that this was not a first swinging experience for her but it was for him. Looking back now I realise that he was very reserved. At the time I didn’t pick it up because of the communication issues. 

When we got into the room we went into the usual routine of undressing. Mrs had made it clear that they wanted to swap before we had gotten into the room but even so it was awkward. Mr was unsure of what to do  and once his partner was busy elsewhere he had no way of asking. I could almost feel his hands shaking as he touched me but we settled down after a while. 

It struck me how quiet the room was. It made me wonder how our new friends experience sex. Until that moment I had not thought about the role that sound played in my own sexual experiences. I knew I am often very noisy when I am enjoying myself but the silence in the room brought it home to me how much I relied on sound from the other person to help me understand what is going on with them. When you are having sex with a stranger every little nuance is important. Unless you are completely self centred and don’t really care. Thankfully I am not like that. Pleasure for my partner is the ultimate turn on for me. 

Although we started out well things did not go well for my new friend and I. Despite my best efforts and trying every trick I knew a bad case of stage fright spoiled our fun. We were reduced to that awkward situation of watching the other half of our partnerships having a wonderful time on the other side of the bed. In situations like this I whisper to my new friends about how sexy their wife looks. Sometimes it helps them to relax and get something out of the evening but in this case I couldn’t even do that. I felt as hampered and frustrated by his disability as he did. 

In the end the couple dressed and left quite quickly. He apologised as much as he could and I reassured him as much as I could but I think my reassurances fell on deaf ears in more ways than one. I wanted to tell him it was OK and a whole lot of other things but I would have needed a dozen notebooks and hours of time. It was never going to happen. 

It would be easy to blame the disability for what happened. But I think that was a cop out. Certainly it didn’t help but like many similar situations involving people with perfect hearing a whole raft of other factors came into play. Noting can truly prepare someone for that first swinging experience. Until you are in that room naked with strangers you can never know what is going to happen or how you are going to feel. I remember my own journey through that time and am thankful that I had an understanding partner and found understanding people. The adage “communicated, communicate, communicate” was the thing that got us through. How much harder was it going to be for a person who has limited communication? I am awestruck by their willingness to try and I hope that this experience doesn’t make them give up forever.