Hot on the heels of a TMI post from a couple of weeks back I had a conversation with a prospective play partner who I will refer to as “Army Guy” in this and future posts. I hope things pan out with this one (unlike some others in recent times) but I digress. Army Guy is in his own words “single and loving it” and “Couldn’t think of anything worse” than being married. Once I met him in person he went on to explain that his job requires him to deal with relationship issues of the people around him and that he had certain ambitions he wanted to fulfil in life. In his opinion having a relationship is simply going to hinder him achieving his goals.
I was a little saddened by his attitude and found it a bit a confronting. Afterwards I reflected on his words and I realised that he was, in some ways at least, right. I wouldn’t be lying to say that being married and having children certainly prevented me from achieving certain ambitions that I had earlier in my life. But failing to reach these ambitions has opened the door to a whole other range of possibilities that I would not have considered as a young single person.
Some of these possibilities are things that I probably wouldn’t have been able to achieve as a single person. Between 2008 and now I have explored some of the most iconic parts of Australia with my family. I had experiences that will live with me forever and I learned through experience and first hand observation a lot of things that I find sharing with my students now.
Other achievements include amassing an investment portfolio that is not hugely impressive but certainly will allow Mr Jones and I to live comfortably for many years into our retirement. This is not something I would ever had a hope of achieving as a single person. It is also something that Mr Jones would not have been able to achieve as a single person either. Building our life together has been one of the great achievements of my life.
Of course my prospective fuckbuddy is a very independent kind of person. For him the idea of being reliant on someone else for his success is possibly quite foreign if not a little frightening. And of course that is fine for him. The thing that I find unacceptable is when people insist on achieving their goals their own way and still being in a marriage. In our world today people seem to forget that marraige is not the White wedding, perfect house and 2.3 perfectly behaved children. For me marriage is two people building their lives together. In the process they hold each other up and work as a team so that in the end the sum becomes much greater than any of the individual parts could ever be.
I think we don’t celebrate that enough in our culture. We have become so obsessed with self that we have forgotten that we are part of the world. One of the great strengths of the human race is the ability to network and form relationships. But the true value of these relationships is only realised when we forget what we can get out of the relationship but instead focus on what we can give to the other person.
So I have been looking for a playmate on and off for probably over a year now. When I say looking I don’t mean searching high and low, spending hours trolling through internet hook up sites and messaging every possibility on social media but looking in the sense that my eyes are open to opportunities and I pursue certain gentlemen when they happen to come into my notice.
So for me the process is a fairly passive one. Most of my suitors have approached me first when I have been doing nothing but merely going about my business. Sometimes this works but most of the time it doesn’t. I can’t really complain about that because the amount of effort I am putting in is fairly small.
A few months ago for some odd reason the planets aligned and I received a few messages from some random single guys on through my Fetlife account. I have no idea what caused them to stumble across me but like a polite well brought up young lady I replied and a few messages were exchanged. Most of them either petered out or I decided very quickly that they were not people I was interested in.
One however persisted. I had not really been out in the word of playing seriously for quite some time because my work had been all consuming and so I decided that I would meet this guy for a coffee to see where things would lead. In the past when I have done this things have gone in all sorts of directions including to a well known incident in a car park behind Bunnings. Readers of Erotic Adventures may remember that story.
This day was not to be anywhere near as fun as the Bunnings incident. There was something about the gentleman in question that was nagging me but I decided to persist. I should have listened to the nagging voice. It turned out to be one of the longest coffee dates I have ever known. Not only was he completely unattractive to me, he smelled bad and he had very few social skills. Within the first five minutes he had insulted my religion and my profession. Not only that but he completely ignored my attempts to change the subject. For the first time ever I seriously considered walking out leaving my unfinished coffee behind.
Afterwards I launched a twitter rant about the failure of the afternoon stating that if it was this hard I would seriously consider becoming monogamous again. Of course I was met with a barrage of men proclaiming that THEY would not waste my time. I began chatting with a gentleman who promised the world. After exchanging pictures and lots of words I was indeed very keen to meet. Hot sex with a sexy younger man seemed imminent.
I should have known better really. After a couple of attempts at meeting in person and many refusals on my part to partake in internet sex (I don’t do web sex but I will save that discussion for another post) I found myself back at square one without any hot sex with younger men under my belt. After four attempts at trying to actually press flesh with this guy I resigned myself to the idea that it was never going to happen.
I find myself asking, What is so complicated about this?. What is so hard about getting two people to be naked together? Is seems a simple enough premise. I am a woman, with a fully functioning vagina, I am not unattractive, I am looking for a guy to have sex with. Not necessarily a hot young thing, I am pretty relaxed about the looks thing. I am fairly flexible about time, placement etc but for some reason all of the men who put their hand up suddenly find it too difficult when the time comes to put their money where their mouth is.
It is frustrating. I am fairly upfront and clear about what I want and what I do and don’t accept. All I am asking everyone else to do is the same. If you want to do the online chatting and camming thing that is fine, there are plenty of women out there who will scratch that itch with you. I am not one of them. Don’t waste my time and yours by pretending you are going to give me what I want in the hope that I will give you what you want.
In fact that is the one key piece of advice I would give to every person everywhere in the dating world, casual sex hook ups or otherwise. Just be open, upfront and honest about what you are looking for. Don’t pretend that you are looking for something that you aren’t just to get an in. Faking it is not going to increase your chances of getting what you actually want. It is just going to create stress and angst and ultimately lead to women who think men are all jerks and disengage from the dating scene leaving a huge herd of men who can’t understand where all the women went.