Every teacher in the world knows my pain when I say that reports were due at 9 am this morning. Needless to say my workplace this morning was filled with bleary eyed people mainlining coffee and comparing their bed times from the night before. There was also a limited amount of enthusiasm for my excitement when I met the 9am deadline because the vast majority of my collegues did not and we’re facing another day of trying to convince classes to work quietly while they attempted to plough through what remained of their marking and data uploading. While I am happy with my achievement this is not a post aimed at boosting my self esteem with boasting it is more of a sharing of my discovery this week of the deep well of positivity hidden deep inside of me.
Back in my pre-depression days (well at least before I was diagnosed) a friend commented to me that I was one of the most positive people he had ever met. Lately I have been wondering where that positivity has gone to. My friend the Black Dog has been a very regular visitor and his visits have been making it very difficult to see the upside of many situations.
My reason for writing this post though is that throughout the last month or so I seem to have found a way to begin to tap into this well of positivity again. I have discovered that it wasn’t lost, merely hiding. In the weeks leading up to my deadline I found a focus that I have not been able to tap into for quite a while. I formulated a plan and I stuck to it. Every day I set myself a small goal, knowing that if I achieved this I would make the big goal on time.
It worked. But what stuck in my mind was how positive I was that I was going to make the deadline, I never felt in the days before that is wasn’t going to make it. In the words of Eminem “success was my only motherfucking option”. And so now I share my success with you because I am feeling very pleased with myself and my collegues are not really able to share my excitement.