As I write this I am still wondering at the concept that we have only been on this journey for a week. It almost feels like we have been doing this always. In the weeks leading up to our departure I worried about missing my pets. One week in and I was scrolling through photos on my phone and I saw a picture of my bird. I was like “yes, I remember him”.
Part of the reason I think I am feeling this way is the weekend we just spent with some good friends who travelled to meet us where we are staying for a little while. For two days clothing was optional, alcohol was consumed when and as much or as little as desired, and there was no guard on what we said or did. It wasn’t an orgy but that didn’t matter. We were free.
I had a moment of realisation at one point that for the next 20 weeks I will not have to guard the division between Gemma and Mrs Jones as carefully. For this time instead of 80% Mrs Jones and 20% Gemma I will be 80% Gemma and 20% Mrs Jones. Worrying what the neighbours think will be a secondary issue.
Being in a space where you are yourself and there is no judgement is very liberating. It is something that can be difficult to achieve. It is also something that can be hard to accept. For too long most of us have to be careful of what we say and do. Especially those of us who like to do things other people consider to be morally questionable. For us finding a place where we can be in the bubble of complete acceptance is rare.
I find myself frequently telling people I am the most fortunate person. Currently I am living the dream. Many people that I speak to are envious of our opportunity. They wish they could be like us; on this journey. I am acutely aware of how privileged I am. How fortunate I am that I can afford to buy this yacht, how fortunate I am that I can afford to take this much leave from work, how fortunate I am that I can leave my children to fend for themselves for this time. The list goes on and on. This weekend added another element to my good fortune.
I am living in a marriage with a person who gets great joy from seeing me be sexually fulfilled. Not only that, I have friends who think the same way and accept me for me. In fact, if they are to be believed they actually think I am cool and sexy. A goddess if you please. If there was a utopia I believe I went there last weekend. The comedown was not as harsh as it could have been. Although I feel that for our friends it may have been a little worse because they all had to return to work on Monday. I merely took my yacht a little further up the coast to find another idyllic beach….
This post is part of this week’s Wicked Wednesday. To see who else is being wicked click on the button below.
An ideal weekend would consist of some serious play time that included about two hours of continuous sex of some form, a large portion would involve fucking. Some time spent on the boat in a sunny part of Moreton Bay being at least semi naked in the sun and time to sleep and recover from the fucking.
2. What is the craziest job you would consider taking?
There are many people in the world who think I am crazy for doing the job I do now. Although I find it mostly rewarding. Despite frequent rants about troublesome students and Central Leadership making stupid unrealistic demands.
Apart from this job the craziest job I have considered was working as a scientist for the summer season in Antarctica. I was much younger then. I didn’t get very far through the application process before I realised it probably wasn’t for me.
3. Where would you rate yourself as a kisser on a scale of 1 to 10? (10 being the best kisser ever!)
I am OK at kissing. I wouldn’t call myself great so maybe a 6 or 7. A play friend I knew once had this feedback system going where you gave him a rating about certain skills he felt were important. Maybe I should start something like that.
4. What do you like most and least about your significant other’s cooking?
The think I like most about Mr Jones’ cooking is that when he does it I don’t have to. Don’t get me wrong, I generally LIKE cooking. What I don’t like is having to think about WHAT to cook after a day of work and having to plan what I need to buy to do said cooking.
What do I like least about Mr Jones cooking? That when it is his turn to cook I often end up doing the planning and decision making that is the part I don’t like about having to cook myself.
5. How has smartphone photography changed your world?
I am not sure if smartphone photography changed my world a lot. Certainly during the early years of my marraige and parenthood a physical camera was a big part of my life. Since having a smartphone I did move away from needing a separate item just to take photos.
A hiking trip that involved rock hopping accross a creek and a swim for my phone has convinced me that for our current, water based, adventure that I would invest in a waterproof camera. I do not regret my choice but I do still use my phone.
Bonus: What is a good life?
To me a good life is one that has been well lived. In doing this a person has achieved their goals, and been happy and productive. I don’t believe a person can be productive if they have not contributed to making the world a better place. Just accumulating stuff or satisfying your personal whims is not enough.
This post is part of this week’s TMI Tuesday. To see who else is sharing click on the icon below.
1 Pick your next sexual encounter. Only pick one, then tell us why that is your choice.
Blindfolded during oral sex
Sex in a hot tub
Sex in an elevator
Bringing in a third party
I am going with blindfolded during oral sex. Although I hope that it turns into a full on sex session with the blindfold on. I am the kind of person who very much likes to be in control so the blindfold would be challenging but with the right person I would very much like to try it.
2 When could having sex with an ex be a good thing?
Thinks it over for a moment.
Nope, definitely never. Exes are exes. They belong in your past and like all mistakes the only thing you should take into the future from them is the lessons you learned. I am even of the mind that sex partners that have left your life for whatever reason should never be re-heated. Although I have been tempted….
3. Have you ever had sex in a public toilet?
I know you said no judgement Hedone so I am going to take you at face value!! I have never had penetrative sex in a public toilet. Does that count. I have sucked a guy off in the toilet of a city hotel which was in the foyer so kind of public?? Does that mean I get kind of judged?
4. Car sex is hot or not?
The idea of car sex is hot. The reality is weird positioning and awkward moments. I once had sex in a car that was parked in the carpark of a pub where I met a prospective partner for the first time. It was without a doubt a quickie, the whole thing lasted less than five minutes. At the time I thought it was a good sign.
I also had multiple encounters with a man who was supposedly playing with the knowledge and consent of his partner. He was very reluctant to host or shell out for a hotel. After a daytime encounter in the back of a car in January (middle of Australian summer). I called it quits.
5. What is the most appealing thing about you?
My razor wit and fantastic arse of course.
If you want proof
Unless you are in my year 11 Maths class and then the fact that I offer chocolate bars as a reward is the most appealing thing about me.
Bonus: Some time ago in Geneva, Switzerland, a coffee shop opened where you can get a hot delicious cup of coffee, with a side of a hot delicious blowjob. A) Would you visit this coffee shop? B) Would you get the blowjob?
Firstly I don’t like coffee and I find all the wank surrounding it amusing. Coffee culture when viewed from the outside is just a little bit ridiculous. I mean who can take someone seriously who absolutely MUST have their “Flat skinny no-dairy macchiato in a tall cup” daily. It’s coffee!!! For the record I feel a bit the same about wine. So coffee shops don’t cut it for me.
In terms of the blow job? Maybe. I have played with an ex sex worker and he gave some of the best pussy lickings I have ever experienced.
This post is part of this week’s TMI Tuesday roundup. Click on the icon below to see who else is sharing!
One of the things that some swingers pride themselves on is being conscious about obtaining consent. The phrase “No means No” is a mantra often repeated. I have observed this more frequently in the club that Mr Jones and I visit than in more private settings such as house parties or interactions between groups of acquaintances at say a camping weekend. For reasons that I am still formulating Mr Jones and I have not attended the private gathering type of swinger event for several years but recently we became acquainted with a couple who are a prominent feature of this kind of socialising and we have found ourselves flung back into the mix.
It is an interesting time as we are experienced but at the same time, we find ourselves acting a little bit like newbies. Sometimes we are unsure of how to act, what to expect when we turn up at someone’s house and what is expected of us. Some of the people we are encountering are people we have known for a long time and others are people who have been ‘in the scene’ but we have somehow not met. Whatever the case we found ourselves at an end of Summer Toga party recently. The hosts had gone to great effort to make their house look the theme and it was amazing. Much alcohol was consumed and there was a lot of flirting.
Flirting is often accompanied by what many people would consider foreplay. Extended kissing, stroking of body parts like breasts and perhaps a little fondling of genitals. I had interactions like this with several of the people present and most of them were pleasant as they were with men I would have taken things further with. However there was one man present who I didn’t want to go there with. I am certain the feeling was reciprocated. I won’t go into the history but there is a bit.
On this particular evening Mr Obnoxious was quite drunk. Other people who knew him better than me said they had never seen him that drunk. Quite early in the evening he had occasion to brush against me because I was sitting where he had left his phone. He said, “I am sorry,” to which I replied, “Are you?”
This is a response which I sometimes use with students who are annoying me with bad behaviour. It is a challenge to them to consider their behaviour for more than a millisecond and not just excuse themselves with a false politeness. The awkwardness I felt around him made me defensive. He clearly didn’t feel the same way because he took my comment in a flirty way and proceeded to grope my boobs. I didn’t quite know how to deal with that and so in the way of too many women everywhere I said nothing. During the rest of the evening there were another couple of times that he took the opportunity to put his hands on my boobs. Clearly he liked them. He never considered asking if this was OK with me or even really spoke to me. In such an alcohol and sex charged environment it was hard to formulate a response that wouldn’t cause a scene and result in me looking like the one with a problem. The other women seemed to treat his behaviour as cute if they weren’t interested or go with it if they were.
The next day as Mr Jones and I discussed the events of the evening his behaviour was a prominent topic. We agreed that his touching of me was not appropriate. Up to that point I wasn’t completely convinced. I still held on to that old chestnut that perhaps I had invited his touching by simply being a woman at a sex event and dressing provocatively. Mr Jones told me that at one point he had tried to tell him to stop but he had been ignored.
I tried to explain to Mr Jones about the conditioning of women to not say outright no. I tried to make him understand that often I don’t feel that I CAN say no. There is always that little seed of doubt in my mind that says “What if I am wrong? What if I did something to tell him he could even inadvertently? What if I make a fuss and look like an idiot?” Sometimes I am strong and confident and I do tell men like that to fuck off. Right then, at that party, I was not. I felt awkward and unsure of myself. I was not confident of anything about me. I didn’t feel sexy or particularly desirable.
That is not a reflection on anyone there including Mr Jones. That is all on me. Once I would have walked into a situation like that and flirted with and fucked whoever I wanted. I would have thought to hell with the mutterings of others behind my back. 2021 me is not that woman. I have taken pause and listened to some of the mutterings. I have lost that confidence. Sometimes I yearn for the old me. Sometimes I think she was way too arrogant.
In my working life, my principal requires that we set goals every year in a formal review system. We are required to have two professional goals and one “Spiritual Formation”goal I shat out the professional goals without too much difficulty. That kind of “management speak” comes out easily for me. The spiritual goal gave me pause. I don’t want to write “Go to church more” or “seek out opportunities for prayer and reflection”. They sound stupid. Maybe I should write “take steps to improve my confidence in my own worth and abilities.”
For this week’s Wicked Wednesday I posted a man’s swing fantasy. In the original post the challenge was to post the fantasy and the reality. This is the second part of the post – the reality.
They could hear the faint bass of the music through the glass door as they stepped up to the entrance to the club. As he placed his hand on the door handle, he glanced over at Nicole. Finally, they were here. Tonight was the night that the fantasy that filled his mind every time he touched himself would become a reality.
“Ready?” he asked, pushing down the butterflies in his stomach.
She squeezed his hand and smiled, just as nervous as he was.
“Let’s do it.”
They stepped through the door together. Daniel wasn’t sure what he expected but when he was completely honest, he was a little disappointed. The inside of the club was very similar to other nightclubs except there were far fewer people. Patrons stood chatting at the bar and the small tables scattered around. In one corner a dance floor with two poles was mostly empty. Like himself and Nicole most of the patrons wore normal street clothes, just a little bit shorter and some of them with more revealing necklines.
He didn’t know what he really expected but he was certainly disappointed at the lack sexiness of the whole scene. There were no pornographic images on the wall. No naked or semi naked people anywhere to be seen or even people making out. It all seemed so boring.
The managers of the club showed them around, explained the rules about not touching without an invitation, not entering a closed room and where to put the towels after they used them. At the end of the tour Daniel and Nicole were introduced to a few of the regular people and they found themselves chatting to an older couple. The conversation was about regular things mostly. Occasionally the couple would ask a question about how long they had been together and what they were wanting out of tonight but they didn’t know how to answer. It was all so awkward. Daniel’s fantasy seemed further away than ever. It seemed straightforward at home in their bedroom but now they were really here and really doing it suddenly it seemed a little more complex. He looked over at an adjoining table, two couples were flirting and chatting with each other. How does that happen? he wondered.
Time passed, the other couple seemed attractive enough but he wasn’t sure of the protocol. They seemed a little hesitant. Maybe they weren’t interested. Then seemingly out of the blue the woman asked,
“Do you guys want to get a room?”
He looked over at Nicole. She nodded,
“Why not?” She replied with a smile.
Relief washed through Daniel, followed by a sudden rush of nerves. It was really going to happen now. Really.
Once inside the room things happened quickly. The couple undressed, quickly and efficiently. Daniel felt like a klutz shrugging out of his clothes. The four of them lay on the bed together and looked at each other. The other couple seemed to be waiting for some kind of cue.
“So what kinds of things are you guys interested in?” The woman asked.
Nicole shrugged, “We don’t have any expectations,” she replied. “Whatever comes along I guess,”
The women started kissing. Daniel watched, feeling his cock stiffening. This was one of the things he knew she wanted. It was one of the things he wanted as well. The sight of their two soft bodies pressing together was incredibly sexy, so much more arousing in real life than watching two women in a porno.
Just as he was getting into what was happening between the women the other woman broke away from Nicole,
“I don’t like the guys to feel left out,” she smiles up at him as she snuggled against him. It felt odd, the first woman he had been naked with except for Nicole for seven years. The feel of the unfamiliar skin excited him. He bent down and kissed her, slowly at first before her mouth opened and he probed her with his tongue. Over her shoulder he could see Nicole kissing the other man. Daniel was torn between exploring the woman curled up against him and watching his wife with another man. His new partner broke out of the kiss and wiggled her way down the bed. As he kneeled above her, watching his wife being pleasured by another man she began licking the tip of his cock.
Her tongue swirled around his foreskin before she took him deeper and deeper into her mouth. Daniel looked down at her head as she sucked and then over at Nicole who was lying back on the second bed with the other man’s face buried between her thighs. The whole scene was surreal and intensely exciting, but he worried about a million things.
His head filled with doubts, would he be big enough, would he do this right is he big enough? The other man’s penis seemed enormous to him. Suddenly he felt completely inadequate. He worried about Nicole enjoying the other man more than her own husband. He looked down at the other woman, what if she didn’t like him because she was used to someone else?
Her mouth on his cock is warm and wet but despite enjoying it he can feel that he wasn’t going to stay hard.
He moved on top of her and she rubbed his cock over her thigh. Mistaking it for an invitation he tilted his hips to slip inside her. With a small frown she pushed him away and asked him to don a condom. Then he sees the other husband donning a condom without any prompting. How could he have made that mistake? Of course they should use condoms. The other man passed him a condom; Daniel could feel his cock softening even more. He wondered if he would even get hard enough to put it on. All he wanted to do was put his clothes on and leave. Disappointment welled up. He had wanted this for so long and now his fantasy is not working out how he planned it at all.
The other woman took the condom from him and moved to place her mouth over him. Nothing about the way she moved showed that what was happening to him was weird. He felt a little better. In her mouth he feels himself getting hard again and relief floods through him. She manages to slide the condom over his cock, and he finds himself guiding his cock into the first woman he has fucked, other than his wife for years. He takes some time to enjoy the moment. Underneath him the woman twisted and turned enjoying his cock. His cock is still not as hard as he would like, and her movements push him out of her.
They tried again but the same thing happened. Daniel could see that she was getting frustrated. When he glanced over at Nicole she looked as sexy as hell, but her cries of pleasure frustrated him. He wanted to be that excited. He wanted the moment to take him over, but it wasn’t working for him. He knew he should feel happy for her but watching the other man with his huge cock bigger than his ever was fucking his wife made him feel sad and pathetic.
The other man groaned as he emptied himself inside Nicole who celebrated his pleasure with him by pressing her body against him as he came. Daniel moved over to Nicole and turned her over to fuck her doggy style, the sight of her full round butt turned upwards, inviting him in never failed to turn him on. As he slid inside her he asked her to suck the other man. It was intense watching his wife in a spitroast but still he was frustrated, still he couldn’t cum.
Then someone knocked on the door,
“Closing time,” a voice drifted through.
Now everyone was waiting for him to finish but he knew he couldn’t. The other couple move away from the bed and dress quietly.
“We will see you outside,” The smile and quietly leave.
Many couples fantasise about swinging for a long time before they take the first step. Often the road is rocky and the first encounter is like losing your virginity. In your mind everything seems perfect and amazing. The reality is often very different. I found this story on Erotic Adventures. It shows the start contrast between fantasy and reality.
Part 1 – The Fantasy:
The fantasy was so familiar that it had become like a habit. It slipped into Daniel’s mind without him even realising it. His hand slid downwards to grip his shaft as he lay back on the pillows of the hotel bed.
Nicole’s breasts looked even more alluring than usual as the red-haired woman pushed down her bra straps and cupped her hands under their round fullness. Eagerly the woman bent down and licked the tip of one of Nicole’s nipples. Her pink tongue circled the hardening bud before the woman took the entire nipple into her mouth. The woman’s husband stood behind Nicole and put his arms around her waist. Slowly his hands slid down over her belly before he reached between her legs.
“Oh yes that’s it,” Nicole encouraged the man as his fingers slid into her hot wetness. The woman bent down and pressed her face between Nicole’s legs making her writhe and scream in pleasure. Daniel moved to stand behind the other woman placing his hands on her butt, parting her cheeks so that he could see her glistening wet opening. As she moved back and forth lapping at Nicole’s pussy her legs parted slightly opening her further, inviting him in. Daniel could no longer resist, he bent down and slid his tongue along her pussy lips, exploring her folds and tasting her sweet saltiness. Wetness streamed out of her as he licked and stroked her moving down towards her hard node. She bucked against his face in pleasure. He could hear her moans muffled against his own wife’s pussy. It was the most erotic thing that he had ever done.
He never wanted to stop licking her, but his cock was throbbing almost painfully. Reluctantly Daniel lifted himself onto his knees placing himself behind her hips. For a moment she stopped lapping at Nicole and turned to look at him. He stroked her with the tip of his cock, teasing her relishing the pleasure as she bucked her hips against him demanding with her body that he impale her on his cock.
In front of him the woman’s husband pulled Nicole down onto the bed and kneeled between her legs. Daniel watched as the man they had just met lifted his wife’s hips up to allow him to press his cock against her wet opening. She groaned in pleasure as his cock sank into her. Her breasts bounced in time with his thrusts.
He felt a hand wrapped around his cock drawing his attention back to the other woman. looking down he saw her lying on the bed, moving her hand up and down on his shaft as she looked up at him, watching for his reaction. He positioned himself above her and pressed his cock between her legs, sliding it into her, watching her face until he was buried deep inside her. The sound of Nicole’s cries as the other man pounded her egged him on. Soon the room was filled with the sound of two women’s pleasure.
Daniel’s hand was a blur as he worked his cock faster and faster. He felt the familiar pressure building up against his strokes. He threw his head back as the first pulse went through him. Jizz shot out of his cock and covered his belly in a thick white stream. He groaned in pleasure as the second jet covered his hand. Relaxing in the afterglow Daniel thought about his fantasy. In a hotel, far away from home and without his wife the fantasy was even sharper. He resolved to talk about it with Nicole at home. Like they had many times. Perhaps they would take a step closer this time.
This post is part of this week’s Wicked Wednesday. Click the image to see who else is being wicked.
Mr Jones and I have been “In the Lifestyle” for about ten years. Initially we started out exploring together and our rules, such as they were, stated that we played together and only with other couples.
Early in our journey we met a few couples who we went on to become good friends with some of the couples we met. We hung out with them as regular friends attending some family events, camping together and sharing meals etc. We did fall into a group or a couple of groups who held parties regularly and we attended some parties that were like the fantasy stories that people read about.
Over time we became more relaxed about our ‘rules’ and our relationship evolved into the more Open Marriage that I described in last week’s TMI Tuesday post. Other changes in our lives including me beginning my Teaching career and a decline in my mental health has meant that we grew away from the traditional swinging lifestlye. We pursued our own partners or visited clubs to pick up people for sex. Sometimes we interacted with couples but the interaction was limited and often frustrating as it is difficult to find a couple where all four members are happy and comfortable with each other.
Last year I was included by a long term friend in a group that organises weekends away for like minded people. I decided it might be fun to dip our toes in that water again so I signed Mr Jones and myself up for a weekend at a large holiday house with four or five other couples.
In terms of fucking the weekend was relatively tame. In terms of getting naked or semi-naked, making innuendoes and playing sexy games we were fairly out there. In terms of drinking, it was next level.
The wash up from the weekend is that Mr Jones and I have found ourselves back on the social merry-go-round of the South East Queensland swing scene. One of the royal couples of this scene has taken us into their ‘bubble’ and we now find ourselves drinking and socialising much more than we have in quite a long time. It has been a journey and an awakening. It is exhausting.
I have been diagnosed with garden variety depression and been medicated for this for quite some time. I believe that it is mostly hormonal and a result of menopause, or so I thought. I have always avoided the idea that I had anxiety but I definitely find interacting with large groups of unfamiliar people difficult and very, very tiring. Add that to forcing my body to digest significant amounts of alcohol more regularly than I have in about twenty years and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Last night we attended a birthday party for one of our new friends. It was fun, they had employed a fantastic musician and we met some nice people. But during the course of the evening there was discussion about upcoming events following Christmas and New Year. The birthday girl announced that she had no free weekends until 21 Feb!!!! My brain hurts thinking about that much socialising.
Of course they are encouraging us to come along to some of those events but we find ourselves hesitating. We are enjoying the new set of friends. We are having fun but such a radical change in such a short amount of time is hard to deal with. I need some time to adjust. I also think we are not going to be the people who are at everything. I just don’t think I can cope with dealing with that many people so regularly.
And so over the next month we are going to be adjusting and evaluating. Hopefully we will be able to strike a balance that works for everyone.
This weeks TMI will involve a few terms that can be mis-interpreted or possibly unfamiliar. This article will give some background to these terms.
Agree or Disagree – If people want to have more than one spouse they should be allowed to do that.
In theory yes. There are many positives about a situation where there are multiple spouses. However in cultures where multiple spouses are allowed (usually a man with multiple spouses) the practice can be less than desirable. Often the result of the man rich enough to support multiple spouses exercising his rights can restrict the rights of other people in his community.
2. Do you believe in ethical non-monogamy?
Yes, obviously. That lifestyle choice is what spawned this whole blog.
3. Is polyamory something you want?
Sometimes I think yes. Other times I think no. Similar to my answer to question 1. the theory sounds good and there are examples of polyamory kicking around that show it is possible and sometimes an awesome way to live. The realities of polyamory can sometimes be quite different. If you think about the amount of effort that goes in to keeping one relationship running smoothly then think about how much effort will go into maintaining two or three intertwined relationships simultaneously. The effort does not increase evenly as each person is added, it expands exponentially.
4. Do you wish that your ethical non-monogamy was a societal / cultural norm?
Yes. It would make my life much, much simpler. I do feel that there is a gradual shift towards acceptance of this kind of lifestyle but, like the acceptance of same sex marriage, the progress in infinitesimally slow. The internet has allowed people to read about and become educated about a lot of sub – cultures which is helping with this acceptance.
5. If you are in or have been in an open sexual relationship, what are the best bits?
The freedom. In my relationship I am free to pursue things that are not always available to a 48 year old married mother of two. I am free to explore sexual antics and have adventures without fear of damage to my relationship with my husband. A note of caution however. Open relationships do not mean open slather. This is where the ethical part comes in.
Bonus: Describe what your ideal intimate and / or sexual relationship would look like today.
I SUCK at outlining exactly what I want. I can’t think what would be different from what I currently have in my ideal situation.
Bonus Bonus: Now that I am on holidays I really should play with my selfie stick and perhaps work out the timer thingy. But here are some shots I took last Saturday when I had my fancy undies on.
This post is part of this week’s TMI Tuesday. For more TMI goodness click the image below.
In this week’s round of TMI Tuesday one of the questions was;
“Agree or Disagree. Sex without love is meaningless”
My answer went on a tangent about the sexual activities of Bonobo Apes. A species that is famous for using sexual interactions a social strategy. The key to the question is really the definition of love. Dictionary.com gives no less than 14 definitions of love as a noun, and a further six as a verb. I won’t bore you with them all but the spectrum ranged from A word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L to a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Sexual passion also made an appearance in more than one of the definitions.
This variety of ideas relating to love is reflected in human ideas about sexual relationships. One of the things that frustrated me early in my marriage with Mr Jones was his often repeated statement that he felt unloved if we weren’t having enough sex. This was confusing to me as I also knew that he, and most other humans, is capable of having sex with people that he DOESN’T love. Fast forward about fifteen years and both of us have had sex with any number of people who we have had various levels of attachment with.
I can confirm that you can have some amazing sex without even knowing the name of the person you are with. You can have some pretty ordinary sex with people who you would call very good friends. You can even have some pretty ordinary sex with your spouse, given the right situation. Perhaps a better question to ask than the one above is; “Does sex have to have some deep meaning to be good?”
My answer is no.
In my world there are two distinct categories of sex. Married sex, and Gemma sex. They can both be amazing and also very bad; it is a question of management. Married sex is about love, connection and affection. It also is accommodating, tolerant and ignores some things that may be a turn off. Things like; having held the person’s head while they threw up, that yesterday you were angry because they went out and left the dishes in the sink and that there is still some deep seated resentment that a life decision made fifteen years ago had a profound effect on a career that you loved.
Married sex is about keeping a level of intimacy that is needed for two people to be able to be in the same room together, alone, without killing each other. As Mr Jones and I prepare to spend six months on a boat together without the buffer of our children this kind of intimacy is important. Otherwise we could be experiencing a Dead Calm kind of situation. Married sex doesn’t have to swing off the rafters but sometimes it does help the situation if you do make that effort.
Gemma sex is a whole different ball game. It is purely about fun, pleasure and there are no compromises. It is not about maintaining a relationship. It is about exploring boundaries and just being a sexual person. It is easier to take risks, consensual of course, because if it doesn’t work out you don’t have to face the person tomorrow. You also don’t have to deal with domestic or relationship kinds of issues. There is no co-habitation. While you may listen with a sympathetic ear to their problems, at the end of the day they are THEIR problems and you don’t have to worry about them.
Does this kind of sex have no meaning? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It generally has no ROMANTIC meaning but there is often a connection and if you continue to see the person a friendship can form. Pushing past boundaries is significant to some people and can change you as a person. Having a random stranger with no need to maintain a relationship worshipping you can definitely improve your confidence.
At the end of the day sex is a bodily function like eating and sleeping. These things can also have deep, abiding meaning or just be something we did yesterday. Why should sex be any different?
The thing about swinging is that it opens doors. Doors to fantasies that you didn’t know you had, doors to understandings about people and relationships that vanillas never have, doors to a world where a lot of things are OK even though the vanilla world thinks it is not.
This world can be very liberating. When you step through that door you are taking yourself to a place where a lot of the regular rules don’t apply. Expression of your sexuality is allowed. Even if it isn’t exactly everyone else’s cup of tea. The general attitude expressed by most people in this world is that as long as everyone is consenting then everything is good.
In the regular world there are rules about this. A person in a relationship is clearly out of bounds to everyone else. Outsiders think that the swinging world abolishes this rule completely. That everyone is available to everyone if there is attraction. The truth is not quite that simple.
Yes people in relationships can be free to explore other people they are not in a relationship with. Yes people can have multiple sexual relationships, even multiple romantic relationships. Is everybody happy with the situation all the time? In a word, no. The key word is, as it is in the vanilla dating world, consent.
In the vanilla world consent is pretty clear. It is about one person saying yes to another. Once you get into non-monogamy consent becomes complex. The two people getting naked together might be all good and ready to say an enthusiastic yes but there are other people in the picture, others who have a stake in what is going to happen. Consent must be given by them as well.
Of course that doesn’t mean that the intending couple get naked and then sit down and phone all of their current partners to ensure that there is informed consent. In these situations consent may have been discussed beforehand, eg as they dress to go to the party or even as they make the decision to embark on opening their bed to others. Consent in these situations can be like a long term permission, not a case by case basis.
But life is not black and white. There is ALWAYS an exception, situations NEVER play out exactly as you expect and you frequently find yourself dealing with the result of the unexpected or the unplanned.
For example a situation I found myself in recently. Mr Jones and I attended a swinger’s weekend where we made some lovely new friends. In fact you can read about it here. The weekend was organised by an experienced couple through a group of swingers. It wasn’t publicly advertised. To be in the group you had to be “in the scene” so to speak and be referred by someone. One of the couples we met had an interesting dynamic. Mr introduced Mrs as very new but himself as experienced in the past. On the first evening alcohol was consumed, Mrs seemed happy to participate and get her toes wet. Everything was going swimmingly.
The next day she was more reserved. The real statement was when eight people got into the spa and she was the only one wearing a swimsuit. On the second night as cocktails were consumed and the party heated up Mr and Mrs retired to bed, stating they had partied too hard the night before.
A few weeks later Mr contacted me. The reality of the situation became a little clearer. They were not, as we thought, a married couple. In fact they are not even living together. Not that much of an issue except he admitted to me that Mrs really only expresses herself that way when she has been drinking.
This admission only came out after some flirting and a clear statement on his part that he found me attractive and definitely wanted to take things further. Here is the blurred line. I have the required consent to go and fuck most of the men I encounter. I think this man does not. But he has not stated this. He is clear that he wants Mrs to enjoy the delights of our world but she isn’t confident. How much encouragement should Mr Jones and I give? How much of this situation is him trying to “encourage” her to a place where he can be out and about? I got into a situation like this once before. Pet did not have consent from Mrs Pet to be with me. The contortions he went through to make that situation happen were interesting to say the least.
In the end he and Mrs Pet did not make it. I guess his single minded pursuit of women out of his reach contributed to that but really the danger signs were there in the beginning. The point is that it is hard to tell where the line is when it comes to consent of other partners when finding your way around the swinging world. Most of the time you are relying on people to tell the truth. Most of the time they do, but sometimes they don’t.
Pet never really lied about the way things were between him and Mrs Pet. He just manipulated the situation slightly. I don’t think my new friend is really lying to me about his girlfriend. He hasn’t suggested a meeting between the two of us and maybe his isn’t thinking about that. I honestly don’t know. Which links back to the issue of having to rely on people telling the truth.
Mr Jones and I are honest. About everything. It is the secret to our success. If you want to call what we have as success. But I can’t expect everyone to have that standard. Experience has taught me that many people struggle to be honest. In the end it is safe to say that freely given, informed and enthusiastic consent is difficult to obtain from everyone in this world.