Earlier this year my life was running at an astounding pace. I found myself in the midst of a number of lifestyle events and smaller gatherings with lifestyle friends. All of this “peopling” eventually took its toll. My mental health began to decline and I found myself in the midst of other people having fun and feeling like I was faking it. Even worse I succumbed to that hallmark of untreated depression and began uncontrollably shouting awful, hurtful things at people I love.
It took some very firm words with myself and a lot of unpleasant reminders of a conversation with a friend who refused to get professional help even though she was doing the same things I had just been doing. Albeit on a much grander scale. I knew what I had to do but still I resisted. In the end I took the step of seeking professional help. As I write this post I am in possession of a mental health plan from my GP and have a pending appointment with a psychologist. Despite being on medication for depression for almost ten years I have never actually had a regular therapist. Lesson there; Most GPs cannot manage a mental health condition well. Second lesson; the only person who has a hope of getting your treatment sorted is yourself.
All of this has resulted in a bit of a “drought”. I wrote a short post about it here. It is strange how you can be living your life attending veritable sex-fests and still feel as if your marriage is dry. As a result of January I resisted making plans with people so that I could generate some breathing space but the drought was playing on my mind. I was a little reluctant to suggest a visit to the club. Partly because I worried that it was contradicting my need to be free of people. and partly because I didn’t want Mr Jones to feel left out but the itch for random, unencumbered sex was hard to ignore.
Fast forward to sitting on a couch in the club sipping drinks and chatting to a younger couple. It was just conversation to start with. There was something about him but he wasn’t my normal type. He was intriguing just the same. Things progressed. Turns out despite the extroverted behaviour he is shy and also the epitome of a sex servant. His wife happily watches him act out this persona. His desire to give pleasure is insatiable. He wants to touch and explore and draw the pleasure out of a woman. I can see how this is something one woman cannot provide constantly over a long period of time.
For me it was challenging to be waited on in this way. He jumped to attention to make everything comfortable for me. His attention was focussed entirely on my comfort and pleasure. It was a rare treat. Exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed to be reminded to LET people pleasure me. I needed to be reminded that I DIDN’T have to be the one who was waiting on everyone hand and foot. I was not responsible for making sure everyone had a good time even if it was at my own expense. I still felt guilt at just letting someone pleasure me. I still need to slay that demon that constantly tells me that my needs and wants are less important than everyone else’s. But this evening gave me a boost in that fight. It reminded me that I am still a Goddess to be worshipped. My energy is still unpredictable but I am feeling positive. I just need to have patience and trust in the process.