Thirty Dirty Questions – Question 26

In my last post, masturbation, I spoke about my asexual upbringing. I lived on a farm. Everything was about reproduction but sex was not allowed. Rather, enjoying sex was not allowed. At least for the teenagers. The adults. I have no idea. At the time when I made choices about my education and earlier jobs I felt I was following the expected path. Get a university degree, get a good job. My mother is a control freak. For all of my life, including my life as an adult she did her best to be in charge of the decisions I made and to keep me in the mould she had determined made a ‘good daughter’. I could probably write a book about the ways she tried to manipulate me.

The education and the job led me to a place a six hour drive away. In hindsight it probably wasn’t far enough. Despite the distance she still tried to influence all of my choices and so the stupid Catholic, abstinence based ideas about sex continued to haunt me. My true sexual nature and my upbringing continued to wrestle with each other for a very long time. In some ways they still do. My current feelings about my ‘number’ are testimony to that.  

But I lucked out. I met Mr Jones. Sex was a feature of our relationship very early on and the way that he encouraged me to express my sexuality was exactly what I needed. I had found a person who encouraged me to dress and act sexy instead of shaming me for it. He encouraged me to be nude and be proud of my body. Cheeky nude photos in the outdoors were a feature of our relationship from the beginning. When children came along our sex life struggled. Actually our marriage struggled. There was a man I almost had an affair with and then a long dark time of guilt. 

But we made it through. And then we opened our marriage. The journey through the opening up has not been without its problems but together we have worked through it because we both knew that it was right for us. Our journey has always come back to a simple touch stone. What the other person needs and how we can make that work for us.

When I started writing this piece I was thinking that the thing I was most grateful for was my open marriage. But as I wrote I realised it went deeper than that. The thing I am most grateful for is Mr Jones. 

Thirty Dirty Questions – Question 25

I am determined to finish this series. It has been over a year!! If you want to catch up on the questions so far my Thirty Dirty Questions page has all the links.

How often do you masturbate and what works best for you?

I was raised a Catholic and sex was not talked about in our house at all. Other than the cautionary “don’t do it”. In addition my mother was very critical of mine, and almost everyone else’s body. She frequently judged people about their weight. It made me very self conscious and private about my own body. I lived quite a long way from town and had very few friends that I could share any thoughts or ideas about sex, bodies, growing up etc. Even when I went to boarding school I struggled to make friends and certainly never talked about sex with anyone. In those days the internet and smart phones were a thing of the future. Learning about sex without a social network or a parent who was willing to talk to you was almost impossible. 

I did overhear conversations between other girls and gained snippets from magazines when I was allowed to buy them and so I did learn to masturbate. I had really very little idea about exactly what I was doing but I did know that I enjoyed it. I remember at one stage I got a bit of a sleep association happening and struggled to fall asleep at night without an orgasm. Not really a good situation when you are sharing a dormitory with six or seven other girls. 

As an adult I didn’t invest in a vibrator or any other sex toy until I was given one by a boyfriend. For some reason I never really took to toys. I just didn’t feel comfortable. Probably because I didn’t really feel comfortable with my body or sexuality in general. This awkward feeling about toys also extended to masturbating. I felt that when I was in a relationship I should be getting sexual gratification from having sex with my partner. Masturbating was admitting that we were getting it wrong. Consequently it was infrequent.

Fast forward to now. I still don’t masturbate frequently. I guess a lifetime of habit and ingrained negativity is still having an impact. I do feel more confident these days but I still find it hard to get alone time to enjoy this activity. Mutual masturbation is not something that is part of my regular couple sex diet. 

So what happens when I am alone? Well I do have a go-to toy. A glass dildo that Mr Jones bought me as a valentines gift a few years ago. There is something about the weight and rigidity that works for me. I still use a finger to stimulate my clitoris and use the toy to penetrate and press against my g-spot. In line with lifelong habit masturbating is usually a means to an end for me. I don’t take time to enjoy or edge. Get the job done, enjoy the warmth and relax for a while. Sometimes even enjoy a short nap. 

Boring I know. 

Thirty Dirty Questions – Question 24

Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time, watched others have sex, been watched? If not, would you?

Urban dictionary defines swinging as;

“A lifestyle of non-monogamy where sexual relations occur outside the established couple. Swingers tend to refrain from romantic attachments with their outside partners, thus differentiating themselves from PolyAmorists. There is some overlap between the two communities, though the closeness of the comparisons are generally not acknowledged.

Swingers often engage in the activity as a couple. Swing parties are venues where the activities may occur”

Mr Jones and I describe ourselves as swingers for the most part. We count ourselves as part of “The Lifestyle” which is a bit of an amorphous term that seems to come from the United States. It doesn’t seem to be as widely used in Australia but most people in our community (OK lifestyle!) seem to be familiar with it. Vanillas are not. But then vanillas are not familiar with a lot of things.

Anyway. We are swingers. Which means that we do attend swinging events and clubs. Group sex is a big part of our repertoire. At this point in our lives we are more likely to be involved with threesomes with another male than we are with foursomes or ‘couple swapping’ which is what traditionally characterises swinging. If you scroll back through my blog you will see many stories describing encounters like this. Some are fictional some are fact. 

So breaking this question down. Because it is really more than one question.

Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?

Yes. I have been face deep in a woman while her husband is balls deep in me and my husband watched on. I have been face deep in a woman while her husband and my husband tag teamed me. I have had a cock down my throat while another is in my cunt. And on a few memorable occasions I have entertained penetration from two men at the same time. Whew! I am a busy girl.

Have I ever watched others have sex?

Yes. As I mentioned we attend swinging events, parties, camping weekends, clubs and the like. So yes I have seen people having sex in a range of situations. Something I feel privileged to experience is being up close to watch another couple being intimate together. Say when there are four of us in a room. There is something very special about that. 

Have I ever been watched?

Of course the answer to all of these questions is yes. The final one is not an unconditional yes however. I posted recently about an encounter Mr Jones and I had with a park bench and a distant fisherman. There have been those encounters. But at above mentioned events Mr Jones is a bit more reluctant. He is happy to have his dick sucked in the open arena but once things get serious he is less keen. 

So group sex. Yes. In a whole range of variations. 

Thirty Dirty Questions – Question 22

Have you ever had sex in a public place?

Photo by Taylor Vick on Unsplash

Yes. 

Interestingly I was thinking about this not long ago. Not because I was planning any escapades but because I was reflecting on Mr Jones’ aversion to having sex in an open setting where a large number of people can watch at close quarters. I love that kind of thing. I guess I would be classified as an exhibitionist. Mr Jones not so much. 

Oddly though he is perfectly happy to have sex in a public place where a passerby might ‘happen’ to watch from a distance. There is a memorable occasion when we broke up a road trip with a stop in a picnic area near a lake. A distance across the lake there was a camping area and the lake was popular with fishermen and campers. 

We ended up having sex on a picnic table. Of course when we began there were not any people around but at the end there seemed to be a few, keeping a discreet distance of course. The one that stuck in my mind the most was a fisherman in a kayak quite a distance away. He seemed particularly interested. I genuinely hope he went home after that and gave his wife a good seeing to. 

There have been other similar occasions between us. As I mentioned Mr Jones is fond of the great outdoors. It is strange though how being shown a different perspective can completely change your feelings about something. I saw a junk “reality” show not long ago that focussed on clips of camera footage taken from cameras installed in public spaces like underground carparks, shopping centres and the like. One of the clips shown was a couple who had been out nightclubbing and decided that the boom gate of the carpark was a great place to have sex. 

Watching the footage and listening to the show’s commentators making fun of the couple completely changed my perspective. There is something deeply exciting about having sex in a place that is taboo. The thrill is increased when you get away with the act knowing that maybe a bystander enjoyed the show but there are not any other repercussions. But in all honesty there isn’t always a way to know if the unsuspecting bystander DOES enjoy the show. 

Our society has the idea that sex should be kept behind closed doors deeply ingrained into our subculture. For many people public displays of affection, even as innocent as kissing, are offensive. Intimacy between adults should be kept private in most vanilla people’s eyes. Of course there is probably a whole book that could be written about how unhealthy that attitude is and the damage it does to young people seeking to learn about healthy relationships. In this world of internet porn parents really do need to consider the idea that demonstrating what they consider to be a healthy relationship up close and personal and in real life could go a long way to helping their children avoid some very undesirable sexual situations.

Will there be public sex in my future? I believe the answer is probably yes. Although high traffic areas like the picnic ground mentioned above might not be ideal. A beach where there aren’t many people? Definitely on the cards. 

If you want to catch up on any Dirty Questions that you may have missed visit the Thirty Dirty Questions page for a complete set of questions and links.

Thirty Dirty Questions – Question 23

I have been struggling to write anything of late. My new job is a much longer commute and it is taking it out of me a bit. I used to get a solid hour of quiet time in the mornings but now I am struggling to get in 30 minutes. The routine will come. It hasn’t been a full term yet. Until then things are going to be sporadic.

When and how did you lose your virginity, and how did you feel about it? How do you feel about it now?

I lost my virginity when I was 17. I had moved out of home to attend university and for some reason I was on a mission to get sexually active. At the time I did not realise but what was happening was the classic reaction of a young person who has been restricted by parents and the education system. With the first taste of freedom they go a little crazy. Perhaps as an indicator of my future sexual antics were my particular jam.

I gave my virginity to a mature age student in my university course. He was about 23 and was busily working his way through all the impressionable 17 and 18 year olds in our course. We all thought he was incredibly good looking, he wasn’t, We all thought he was worldly and grown up. But honestly he was a complete fake. No fixed career and not a lot to show for the five years he had been working since he left high school. No tales of travel, no fixed address and a beat up car. He supposedly had a girlfriend who none of us ever met and who, according to him was more of an on again off again thing. 

I found myself in his flat one afternoon and there we were naked. From memory he was reasonably well endowed and I remember making him wear a condom. I didn’t tell him I was a virgin until afterwards. He was concerned about that and I remember him apologising to me and admonishing me for not telling him. Honestly I don’t think it would have made a difference. But there it was. 

I was not ashamed of what had happened and wasted little time letting people know. Maybe I thought it would make me more popular. It didn’t. It certainly didn’t secure him, even temporarily. I guess I wasn’t his type because he moved on straight away. He then proceeded on his mission of fucking as many impressionable young girls as possible. One particularly memorable time he fucked my friend while I was in the room and not involved. Maybe he thought it would trigger a threesome. I was too socially awkward to know what to do other than pretend I couldn’t hear them and steadfastly concentrate on the Maths we were all supposed to be studying.

For the record. I failed that exam and she got pregnant. Not a great outcome for either of us. At least I didn’t end up with that gift. Looking back I don’t regret what happened as much as I regret being so immature and impulsive. I regret what was the beginning of a lifelong mind habit of thinking my most important value is in being sexual. I wish I had more people in my life then, and now, who celebrated my other talents and gave me a different focus. Perhaps then I would have ‘saved myself’ for someone who appreciated me, the person, a bit more and who wouldn’t cast me aside like a takeaway container after the meal is hastily consumed. It may have saved me later heartache and given me the confidence to make better relationship choices. 

If wishes were horses then beggars would ride.  

Wicked Wednesday

Thirty Dirty Questions – Question 21

Source Brigit Delaney

We are on the final ten questions!! I WILL finish this one day!

In your opinion what does it mean to be good in bed?

When I opened this question to start writing I had the best of intentions. Then it all went out the window. Early morning, Lots of competing ideas and issues, not enough time the list goes on and on. So I asked the good people of Twitter. This method of finding information may sound a little haphazard and to be honest it hasn’t always been successful in the past. But in these days of @MrsJonesMT50 (as opposed to the much more popular and suspended @MrsJonesMT45) my followers are of a much higher quality. Their feedback was probably what I should have known all along. 

The key is connection. 

And this helped me to crystallise the whirling thoughts in my head. Over my life I have had sex with many people both male and female. The quality of the encounters has varied widely. Many factors have been at play. Things like what is going on in the background, how much alcohol has been consumed, the state of my relationship with Mr Jones and my own mental health. All of these factors can mean fireworks or they can help to create a fizzer. All of the fireworks events involved a connection. Some kind of spark that is hard to describe but is definitely easy to spot both when it is present and when it is absent. While it takes two to create a connection there are some factors that seem to, for me a least, make a person more likely to form a connection.

Firstly manners. A good lover is generous and considerate. You don’t have to tell them they are going to hard or too deep. They can see when you are comfortable and when you aren’t enjoying yourself and they make adjustments accordingly. Sadly women are conditioned not to make a fuss and this makes many of us terrible at correcting a lover if they are not hitting the right spot but nothing kills the mood quicker than having to forcefully tell someone they need to move a bit to the right! 

Secondly hygiene. A person who smells good is sexy as fuck. You don’t have to be scrubbed to within an inch of your life but being clean and keeping things trimmed will go a long way. Something I find super sexy is going away from an encounter and still being able to smell their aftershave or perfume in my hair or on my body. That little waft of scent triggers a twinge of a memory. 

Lastly, a nice cock. It doesn’t have to be overly large. In my experience large, especially long, can be painful. Small has its challenges but I have had some encounters with men on the smaller side that have been very very sexy. But there is something about an attractive cock. I can’t define what makes one look better than another. It isn’t size or circumcision or the amount of veins. There is just something that makes me take a second look. 

All of these things are one part of the puzzle. A fireworks encounter doesn’t require all of them. Sometimes one is enough. Sometimes all the boxes are ticked, sometimes one or more are not and this isn’t an issue. As I said earlier there are factors on my side of the fence that don’t always line up and it is a more of a “It’s not you it’s me” situation. So being good in bed is not about a specific set of skills or attributes. It is about being able to roll with the situation and make things work with what you have. 

Thirty Dirty Questions – Question 20

Source Brigit Delaney https://brigitdelaney.com/2020/10/30-dirty-questions/

What is the most sexually daring thing you have done?

For many people this question is fairly cut and dry. For most people being daring sexually is a once in a lifetime or at the most once a year thing. For me, who has been consistently pushing the envelope for ten years or more it is a minefield of a question. I sometimes ask this question when I am in the initial phases of contact with prospective play partners. It is a way for me to gauge how adventurous and experienced they are. But when the tables are turned and I am asked the same question? Definitely a mine field. 

Firstly, what does a person consider daring? Most vanillas would consider having sex with someone else in front of your partner daring. But most people we know in the swinging / kink world accept that is par for the course. 

Having sex or doing something sexual in a public place? That is pretty daring. Mr Jones and I have done that several times. One that springs to mind is the time we took a break on a road trip and had sex on a table in a picnic area in front of a lake. There was a man who was fishing on his kayak who enjoyed the show immensely I am sure. There was the time I took a playmate to a nature reserve near my home and gave him a head job in the bird watching area while Mr Jones watched from the bushes. Oh and there was the time Mr Fix It and I went for a motorcycle ride and had sex in the rainforest next to a bushwalking trail. Like I said consistently pushing the envelope. 

What about kinks and sexual things that are out of the ordinary? I have sold / given away my used underwear to men I have met on the internet. Not everyone’s cup of tea but something I actually find arousing. Similarly I have found giving men a the panties I wore to our encounter and then knowing they used it to pleasure themselves later is also extremely arousing. Getting photos of men wearing my underwear? Super fucking hot! This activity is something that I tend not to discuss with new people because I am afraid that they will think I am weird. Also it is disappointing when they tell me that is not their thing. Because I would absolutely love to find a partner who is in to that kind of thing again sometime. 

The final thing that is more of an out there thing than a daring thing was fisting a man. Yes you read that right. Putting my fist in a man’s arse. I did it but I am not sure I will actively pursue finding someone who wants to do that again. As a rule I don’t reveal this one often in conversation. If I do it is because I am deliberately trying to shock. It is usually effective.

So there they all are. The fun, the kinky and the slightly gross.

If you want to review all of the questions I have published so far head over to the Thirty Dirty Questions Page for links to all the relevant posts.

Thirty Dirty Questions – Question 19

Source https://brigitdelaney.com/2020/10/30-dirty-questions/

A couple of days ago I was reading a post from Marie Rebel linking to Brigit Delaney’s January Erotic Journal Challenge. I got excited and thought it would be fun to participate until I remembered that I have not finished Thirty Dirty Questions. Despite starting them quite some time ago. So I have put a pause on that new project and decided to put some effort into finishing this one.

What do you look like and sound like when sex feels good for you?

A play friend once took some images of me while I was fucking him. He wanted some mementoes and as a FIFO worker no doubt he was keen to add some material to his stash for use when alone in his camp room. He shared them with me as a matter of courtesy. I know I enjoyed the encounter but I have to say that looking at myself in that moment later was a little weird. I don’t think I am attractive. Other people don’t feel that way, clearly and I am happy for them to feel that way and use images that they have taken of me during our encounters for stimulation at a later date. It just isn’t my thing.

Sounds of sex however are a completely different matter. I love the sound of my partner enjoying themselves. If someone is very quiet I find myself worrying that they are not enjoying themselves. If they are making happy and satisfied sex noises then I am all up for that. I have a short video on my phone of JB ejaculating into my mouth. While I don’t necessarily enjoy the vision I have listened to the sound of his climax many times and it still gives me a twinge. 

Me personally. If I am quiet during sex then there is something wrong. Even when there is a reason to be quiet, like there are people in the house or something like that I find it hard to be quiet. Most people know I am having a good time. Our next door neighbour at our marina actually commented on the people having a party somewhere once. He indicated the noise he was referring to was sexual. Which is more a reflection on him being a Nosy Parker than anything else. 

Two things came out of that conversation when Mr Jones and I discussed it later.

  1. I didn’t think I was being that loud. Mr Jones maintains that I was. Which makes me wonder. How loud am I when I think I am loud? 
  2. Was he asking about this because he wanted an invite? I am really not sure. I am also not sure if I DO want to invite him. Maybe if he has a shave and doesn’t talk too much.

Thirty Dirty Questions – Question 18

At the start of the year I began working my way through Thirty Dirty Questions from the pages of Brigit Delaney. Along the way I have been joined by Rebel from Rebel’s Notes and Mike from Marriage Sex and More.

Do you have trust issues surrounding sex or your sexual relationships?

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

Mr Jones and I are swingers. We have been swingers for an extended period of time. Ever since the beginning open communication has been a cornerstone of the way that we live this lifestyle. I don’t consider myself to be an expert on all things non-monogamous but I do consider us to be fairly successful in our lifestyle. If anyone starting out in this lifestyle were to ask me for my number one tip it would be to always be honest and listen when your partner is being vulnerable.

When your spouse is having sex with another person there has to be trust. It is irrelevant if they are only engaging in foreplay, they are only having sex in the same room as you or they are off having date nights without you being present. If there isn’t going to be strain and conflict in your relationship there has to be trust. Without trust jealousy is inevitable. And if there is a sure fire way to invite the green eyed monster in to cause havoc in your relationship then not communicating and creating trust is it.

Communicating about this kind of thing is not easy. It feels weird. It is hard to overcome years of social conditioning and popular culture that doesn’t support unconventional relationships. It is hard to overcome pre-concieved ideas that you or your partner may have. The first time you have to talk about something that is happening that you are uncomfortable about can be terrifying. And awkward and just plain weird. It gets easier as you become more comfortable with yourself and where you are at. Trust can only be built on honesty. 

I would say that we definitely have done the hard yards and built trust based on this commitment to honesty. Between us there is a lot of trust that can be evidenced in Mr Jones’ confidence that I will be safe when I venture out to meet new people alone. His readiness to agree to adventures that I propose and his confidence that I will hold back when he feels that I need to or if he needs me to. 

With my extra martial relationships things can be somewhat transactional. When seeking a partner there are always conversations about what each party is interested in and looking for. There is always a discussion about boundaries and rules that may be in place with primary partners. If you are new to this kind of lifestyle and you are seeing other people without these conversations things are likely to get really messy really quickly. There are many men, and probably women as well, who hang around the swing scene without the knowledge or consent of their partner. The reasons that they do this kind of thing vary from person to person. I do not judge them for choosing this path. 

However I am not going to jump into bed with a man who admits he is cheating on his partner. If he is going to lie to the person he has committed to for his entire life then he absolutely will lie to me without a second thought. He will be unreliable and lie about it. He will ask to do things that are not safe and then lie about it. He may (and I have had this happen) ask me to pretend to be some kind of work contact should she ever answer the phone when I call. Essentially lying for him. I can never trust him entirely. And so I will not enter into an arrangement with a man who is cheating. Of course if he lies and doesn’t tell me about his wife / fiancé / girlfriend then that is on him. As soon as I catch him in the lie out the door he goes. There is no substitute for honesty. 

Thirty Dirty Questions – Question 13

Since the beginning of the year I have been working through “Thirty Dirty Questions” which I found on the blog of Brigid Delaney. Along the way I have been joined by two fellow bloggers; Mike from Marriage, Sex and More and Marie from Rebel’s Notes. Make sure you check out their responses for some excellent insights.

What do you tend to fantasize or dream about when it comes to sex? What kinds of porn or kink are you drawn to?

I am excited by the idea of playing with a dominant. I am attracted to men who take charge and give directions. My experiences with The Second Mate expanded on this attraction. Being given specific instructions that expanded my boundaries and helped me to learn more about my own body were very satisfying and left me wanting more. Johnny also ticked some of these boxes. He had a specific order he liked to do things in and he gave clear instructions. In addition he had “the look” that he gave me when he knew I was on the verge of orgasm and he wanted to see me come. The Second Mate also had a “look” that he would give when he knew I was holding back or getting distracted. I find the thought of being instructed when to orgasm intensely exciting. 

Mr Jones and I have discussed the idea of me finding a dominant. Until we met The Second Mate Mr Jones felt that any man that was strong enough to dominate me would not be a very nice person. Part of his thinking was because I didn’t communicate clearly what I really wanted. Since we have played with The Second Mate and I was able to give him a more specific example of what I really like he is a little more on board with the idea. 

Even though I like this idea and Mr Jones is OK with it in theory I am not about to embark on a specific search for a man like this. My experience with meeting people through Fetlife has been very bad. I can select for dominant men through the dating app I currently use but it is primarily for swingers and sex and so any kind of kink often has a loose interpretation. Although I did meet The Second Mate and Johnny on it so there is hope. My current approach is to let things happen organically. It has enabled me to have some great experiences so if I have a more specific goal I am hopeful that I will be having a lot of fun.

Image by Ti Murray-Wyles from Pixabay