Since the beginning of the year I have been working through “Thirty Dirty Questions” which I found on the blog of Brigid Delaney. Along the way I have been joined by two fellow bloggers; Mike from Marriage, Sex and More and Marie from Rebel’s Notes. Make sure you check out their responses for some excellent insights.
What do you tend to fantasize or dream about when it comes to sex? What kinds of porn or kink are you drawn to?
I am excited by the idea of playing with a dominant. I am attracted to men who take charge and give directions. My experiences with The Second Mate expanded on this attraction. Being given specific instructions that expanded my boundaries and helped me to learn more about my own body were very satisfying and left me wanting more. Johnny also ticked some of these boxes. He had a specific order he liked to do things in and he gave clear instructions. In addition he had “the look” that he gave me when he knew I was on the verge of orgasm and he wanted to see me come. The Second Mate also had a “look” that he would give when he knew I was holding back or getting distracted. I find the thought of being instructed when to orgasm intensely exciting.
Mr Jones and I have discussed the idea of me finding a dominant. Until we met The Second Mate Mr Jones felt that any man that was strong enough to dominate me would not be a very nice person. Part of his thinking was because I didn’t communicate clearly what I really wanted. Since we have played with The Second Mate and I was able to give him a more specific example of what I really like he is a little more on board with the idea.
Even though I like this idea and Mr Jones is OK with it in theory I am not about to embark on a specific search for a man like this. My experience with meeting people through Fetlife has been very bad. I can select for dominant men through the dating app I currently use but it is primarily for swingers and sex and so any kind of kink often has a loose interpretation. Although I did meet The Second Mate and Johnny on it so there is hope. My current approach is to let things happen organically. It has enabled me to have some great experiences so if I have a more specific goal I am hopeful that I will be having a lot of fun.
Time for another episode of Thirty Dirty Questions. If you are loving this then you can catch up on my other responses here. You can also check out some other participants over at Rebel’s Notes and Marriage Sex and More
Is there anything about sex that embarrasses you, causes shame or fear of makes you nervous?
I am a squirter. I have quite openly discussed this a few times in this blog. It is an ability that I had to work on to make happen. At the time when I started squirting it was a bit of a novelty. A lot of partners, including Mr. Jones enjoyed the sensation and obvious pleasure it gave me. Over time I became more ‘adept’ and have been known to produce liters of liquid during some sessions.
I am self-conscious about the mess it creates. Although most men like the IDEA I think the reality can be confronting. Also the reactions about getting my juice in their face while they are licking me are often mixed. For a while I didn’t advertise my ‘abilities’ with new partners because I felt that they would sometimes become fixated about it and that was the only thing they wanted. After a while I realised that while I was achieving what I wanted in that regard I was sometimes missing out on oral sex.
Once a man realised that licking me was probably going to get that result he would have one of two reactions. He would love it and try to drink me up. This reaction works well for me. I felt desired and got to enjoy an activity that gives me great pleasure. The second reaction was not so good. He would politely withdraw and oral sex on me would be stopped for the rest of our time together. I would get a hand job and a fucking. Not the desired outcome.
So I changed tack. I tell people now, if you don’t like me squirting in your face then I am not sure this is going to work. It hasn’t been successful. Men lie. If there is a chance they are going to get sex they will tell a woman whatever they think she wants to hear. They will say yes to an activity and then give it a cursory glance before moving on to the thing THEY want.
As a side note I am working on toning down the squirting thing. The amount of laundry it generates is ridiculous. Just as I trained myself to respond in this way I can train myself to respond in other ways. My recent experiences with The Second Mate has led me to start exploring toys and I am finding I respond a little differently to vibration. I like it. It is giving me more power over my orgasms and it is making me more confident in asking for / taking what I want.
Would you ever visit a sex therapist? What would be the reason and what do you think their advice would be for you?
The short answer to this question is no. Even though I was diagnosed with depression by a General Practitioner and take medication for it I am quite reluctant to visit a therapist to discuss this condition. I can’t really define the reasons for this but I guess they are part of being in this mental state. I have started journaling both about my life as it is and my sexual life. They really are hand in hand so that is as it should be really. That is as close as I am going to get to a therapist for now. It is helping me to see things a little more clearly but as time goes by my dedication to journaling every day is slipping so the benefits are waning a little
So why would I visit a sex therapist? I think I would maybe visit one if I was in a poly relationship and there were issues. That isn’t really a sex therapist but that is the only sexual reason I would visit a therapist that I can identify. I have a friend who worked as a therapist for people in ‘alternative’ relationships. She is completely amazing and someone I hope I can spend more time with, in the future. I think she is the most likely person I would visit for therapy.
What would she tell me? Love yourself. Know your own value and don’t get into a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you as you are.
I gave that advice out earlier this week to a young woman who go into a bad situation.
If you were to “recreate” the early days of your favourite sexy relationship, what would they look like? Would you change anything?
Both Mike from Marriage, Sex and More and Rebel from Rebel’s Notes commented to me that they found Question 8 challenging. I must admit that I felt the same way, but I was more challenged by this question. When I reflected about my potential answers, I realised that my favourite sexy relationship is often the most recent. I think it is human nature to want what you cannot have rather than appreciate what is easily available. And so, when a sexual partner becomes unavailable the amount of pleasure you remember having with them is increased.
This was definitely the case with Pet. For a long time after he departed from my life, I was always looking back at what we had and hoping to find someone equal to him. While we did some amazing stuff, and I had a very enjoyable time over quite a long period if I was honest there were times that were not perfect. Particularly towards the end of our time together I knew it was winding down and becoming routine. I remember thinking after one encounter that our relationship was reaching the end of its shelf life. Yet when he pulled the pin unexpectedly with no explanation it was suddenly the best sexy relationship ever had.
The same sort of thing happened with JB. I absolutely loved being part of his awakening and giving him the opportunity to experience things he had only fantasised about for so long. He was a very caring and generous lover. But again, after a time I knew my attention was going to wane and again he withdrew unexpectedly and suddenly, and I was left feeling like I had been deprived.
As time goes by and new people enter your life the old people who have departed fade into the background. The same applies with sexual relationships. The best sex is the sex you are having now with the person you are with. For me anyway. I know that there is bad sex and I have had plenty of that but somehow, I still feel that connection with the last lover as if they are the best. From a biological point of view, I can understand there is probably some body chemistry that makes you feel this way. It is nature’s way of tricking you into staying with your mate long enough to raise the offspring you are creating.
So, what does all this have to do with the question? Everything and nothing. I guess the short answer is that I don’t have an exact favourite or, rather, they are all favourites. Would I change any of them? Probably not. They have all been experiences and that is what this lifestyle is about for me.
Consider a moment in your life of great sensuality, eroticism or sexuality. Then answer the questions as Mary Oliver does in her poem Gratitude as they apply to that moment.
When I met with Johnny it was always a feast for the senses. He was an accomplished lover and he had a way about him that was very sensual. These questions are focussed around a meeting that we had that was engineered by Mr Jones. I waited for him tied, dressed to Mr Jones’ specifications and blindfolded.
What did you notice?
Every little sound. Every nuance of discomfort. I was very aware of the way my body was placed.
What did you hear?
I heard him coming up the steps, I heard the small sounds of him undressing. The sound of his breathing as he approached me for the first touch.
What did you admire?
His cock. The feel of the pre-cum as he stroked my body with it before he pressed it against my lips. I would never tire of having that glorious organ in my mouth.
What astonished you?
How aroused I was. Even though I was dressed according to another man’s instructions and I was wearing a tail my body was alive. Waiting to be touched.
What would you like to see again?
Johnny, naked, aroused, waiting for me to suck him.
What was most tender?
The way both men held me. Sandwiching my body between theirs. There is something about being held that way by two caring men.
What was most wonderful?
Both men completely comfortable with the situation. Taking their pleasure and giving at the same time.
What did you think was happening?
I didn’t think. The moment was for enjoyment.
To read some other material that makes you say MMM click the lips
I am super excited that two other awesome bloggers have taken up the Thirty Dirty Questions Journey. Mike from Marriage Sex and More and Marie Rebelle have both been sharing their answers. Head on over and check out their posts.
What parts of your lover’s body are you most drawn to?
I am unashamedly an arse woman. Show me a great arse and I want to touch it, grip it as it is thrusting towards me, spank it (with permission of course!!) and possibly do a bunch of stuff if the owner is that way inclined.
Mr Jones is the proud owner of a great arse. He has always had one and even as he ages and his body changes as everyone’s does his arse is still great. There is just something about it. Nice and round and neat. It fits nicely in my hand and is firm with a little bit of give like a ripe peach. I wish he liked to be spanked but he is not a huge fan. Although I snuck a little sting with my riding crop recently. He was not impressed.
I purchased the riding crop a little while back when I was seeing JB. He LOVED the feel of it on his arse and I loved the feeling of giving him that pleasure / pain push pull. Ironically I was the woman who helped him to start exploring his love of being spanked and other ouchy things that he had been missing in his marriage and ultimately caused it to fail. Then he had a drunken conversation with his ex – wife and told her about our exploits. Turns out she had all the same fantasies but didn’t know how to share them! I hope they successfully managed to re-kindle things.
Back to arses. A few nights ago Mr Jones and I were having dinner at a pub. I was quite drawn to the attire that the female staff were wearing. It consisted of short active wear style pants or leggings. The more self-conscious girls wore skinny type jeans. But, probably like all the men in the establishment, I couldn’t stop looking at some of the girl’s butts. One, in particular, had the most amazing big round arse. Cardi B would be impressed.
When looking at men I am also a huge fan of pants that fit nicely. Because nothing makes an arse look better than pants that fit nicely. And then there is the pleasure of taking the pants off. To feel the shape of those buns in the palm of your hand. To grip them while they are fucking you. Maybe even to glimpse their arse in the mirror and watch it as it pushes their cock into you. All very good visuals for me.
Men always focus on their cock. When taking sexy photos the cock is always front and centre. Sometimes they need to turn around.
What are your thoughts on foreplay – favourite types, best experiences, wishes?
There was a time when foreplay was not something I was particularly worried about. The reason? I didn’t know anyone who was good at it. I am sorry to say Mr Jones did fall into that category. These days he has upped his game and he is on a cycle of continuous improvement.
I am a HUGE fan of oral sex. I LOVE to give head, and by most accounts I am pretty good at it. Although if I am not particularly interested or I feel I am not getting gratitude my game might suffer slightly. I also love to give oral to a woman. If the mood takes me. Satisfying a woman orally is more challenging sometimes but the rewards can be great.
When it comes to being on the receiving end I am picky. I have said many times the number of guys who think they are amazing at giving head is much higher than the number who actually are. I don’t know why, maybe it is me. I am a bit of a princess when it comes to my lady bits and if you go at them hammer and tongs you are going to be told to leave them alone. Additionally, good oral sex makes me squirt. It is easy to tell if a man doesn’t like the feeling of my juice in his face or the taste in his mouth. If a guy doesn’t like it then he will generally stop. This will make me feel like I am missing out because he is getting his cock sucked well and I feel like I have missed a large chunk of the pleasures available. and I will be sad. So a pre-requisite is you have to like it. And there is nothing sexier than a man who cannot get enough. I once had a man grip my thighs and press his face against my cunt to gulp every drop like he was dying of thirst. It was one of the hottest things I had felt in a long while.
Other types of foreplay can be fun. I like kissing and a little bit of teasing. Stroking and playing with different sensations but often I get impatient and want to get to the main course. What can I say? I am a bit greedy.
My current wish is to be tied and teased. Possibly with a blindfold. Hopefully with more than one person present.
Question 4: What do you think about when you masturbate?
This is an interesting question. I don’t masturbate a lot. I grew up in a repressed Catholic environment. Sex was not discussed. Touching yourself was strongly discouraged. Anything to do with exploring your body was strongly discouraged. As an adult I have gotten past a lot of hurdles related to this up bringing but masturbating is not one of them.
I guess part of my aversion to it has been re-enforced by the pop culture stereotype of men masturbating because they could not have real sex. Somewhere in the twisted canals of my brain the idea that masturbating is the desperate furtive act of a person denied their sexual needs took root. My Catholic upbringing also attempted to entrench in me that women should not enjoy sex. This idea did not take root thankfully but I was very cautious about displaying my rejection of it. Because there is this idea in the world of popular culture that women shouldn’t appear to like sex but a good wife will provide it. So her man doesn’t have to masturbate???
OK so I had some twisted ideas that stayed with me until I was well into my thirties. I don’t even want to discuss the “blue pill” thinking that dominated my early marriage. I am past a lot of that now but I still don’t masturbate a lot. Privacy is a problem in our house. I have two adult children who don’t always understand the concept of privacy. Along with two elderly parents who also just trot on into our part of the house when it suits them. Getting time to myself when I know I won’t be interrupted to relax and do something like masturbating it is very infrequent.
As I get older and read more blogs, I am becoming more relaxed about it. But the time when I am most likely to masturbate is when I can’t sleep. This process is just a way to get my body to relax. I love the afterglow feeling which I also get with sex. The difference with sex is often I don’t get to lie quietly and enjoy it until I go to sleep. There is other people and other things happening.
What do I think about when I do masturbate? I don’t have a go to scenario or story. Sometimes I think about activities that I would like to try. Double penetration for example. I fantasise about being taken from behind while I am riding Mr Jones. Other times my fantasies are about domination. Or about being in control of my partner and making him fulfil my every wish with no guilt about not pleasing him. I have not taken a man’s arse for a long time but it does entice me. I love the thought of holding a beautiful arse in my palms as I penetrate him. I have the power. There are others but often they are fragmented and fleeting. They don’t stay in my mind long enough to take root.
Sometimes I think about a recent encounter with a lover. Images of their face or the sound of their pleasure trigger a response in me. I remember the feeling of their hands on me or their face pressed between my thighs. Replaying favourite moments of time together is enticing and can give me deep pleasure.
And with that I think I may need some alone time.
If you want to read answers to other questions you can use the links at my Thirty Dirty Questions page to find related posts.