The Truth About Me

What can I tell you about me that you don’t already know? If you are a regular reader you know all of my dirty secrets. Sure, the average person in my face-to-face life is not aware of them but you freaks? You pretty much know it all. So here goes. Which one of these is the lie?

1.      I have never in my life owned a dog.

It’s not that I don’t like dogs. I love dogs. If I have the chance to say hello to a dog when I am walking in the bush near my home I will. The Unicorn and I used to walk most mornings and we had a collection of dog friends that we would greet. But I have never owned my own dog. When I moved into my first house away from my family and boarding houses I decided to get a pet. At the time I was working a lot and the commute from where I lived to my job was long so I decided it would be cruel to get a dog because they would be alone a lot of the time and I wasn’t sure I could commit to walking them every day.

I grew up on a farm. We had working dogs of course. From that experience I have very strong views about caring for animals. I don’t believe big dogs should be kept in a regular yard at all, even with regular exercise. I don’t believe any dog should be kept in a yard without the opportunity to get out and about every day. So I chose a cat. She stayed with me for nearly twenty years. Just before she left us my daughter got her own kitten, he is attached to all of us but he is hers. I now am responsible for a rainbow lorikeet. They look cute but they are noisy, messy and can be very aggressive!

2.      I lost my virginity when I was fourteen.

Like I said I grew up on a farm. My father owns 22, 000 acres. It sounds like a lot if you come from a place where the stock to land ratio is high. Somewhere like Europe or even the coastal parts of Australia. But there are parts of Australia where 22, 000 acres is tiny. For his whole life, my dad raised grass fed, free ranging beef cattle. My brothers and I were home-schooled until we reached high school age. We all learned to ride horses when we were small children and we all spent many days riding around in the Landcruiser with our Dad fixing, fences, checking water troughs and fixing pumps and windmills. About four times a year we would muster. This would involve herding up all the cattle (about 2000), paddock by paddock, counting them, treating them for ticks and buffalo flies, separating out the calves that needed weaning and branding the new calves.  

During these times, my Dad would hire extra men to help him. We all participated in mustering (except my mother, but we don’t talk about that).  My father was not a fan of horse riding so avoided the actual herding on horseback as much as possible by finding other tasks to do. Consequently, my brothers and I were left with ringers frequently to do the grunt work of riding out to locate and collect cattle. There were so many opportunities for a young, curious girl to be alone with a young horny man… It was inevitable really.

Source Australian Geographic.

3.      I sew my own clothes.

I am a bit like Tula Pink (although The Unicorn assures me I do NOT want to become a Tula Pink person). The Unicorn and I have an ideal when it comes to crafting and creating stuff. We call it “Out of the Closet”. Basically, it means that when we make items the first stop in the search for materials is our own cupboard. My mother is a hoarder. If she died tomorrow, I could make it my full-time job to sew up all the fabric she owns and knit or crochet up all the wool she owns, and I probably wouldn’t be finished before I die!

This has driven me to be a bit obsessive about NOT buying fabric “just because it looks nice” and to put on blinkers every time I go to Spotlight so that I buy what I came for and get the hell out. It also means that I can usually obtain something to add to my own closet every time I visit her.

I sew a range of things, clothing mainly, but also toys and quilts. There are several dresses in my regular school rotation that I made myself. There is something about being able to say “Thank you I made it myself” when someone compliments you on your outfit!

So, there you have it. Which one is the lie and which ones are the truths? As Writer of Words says, I will see you in the comments.

This post is part of Wicked Wednesday #460. Click on the image below to see who else is sharing.

Flashback – Naked Massage

Image by Nico H. from Pixabay

It was one of those nights when it was too hot to do anything except sit around and drink beers and talk crap. The girls had stripped down to their bikini tops and denim shorts. The guys were lounging around in their boardies. We were sitting on the back deck at my mate Gavin’s house. The conversation degenerated more and more until we were sharing the stories of losing our virginity. One by one we went around the group sharing our stories. I hung back. As a teenager I had been awkward and shy my story wasn’t like anyone else’s, so I was reluctant to share. Finally, it came to my turn. Five pairs of eyes looked at me expectantly. The ones that seemed to bore into me the most were those belonging to Gavin’s housemate, Lisa-Marie. I looked over at her lounging against the couch. Little beads of sweat trickled down into her cleavage. Right then I wished I were one of those beads, swimming between those gorgeous firm globes. 

The silence in the room stretched paper thin. Finally, I took a pull of my beer and began.

It was in the Christmas holidays when I was seventeen. Mum and Dad were overseas and so I had the house to myself. I had this job for the school holidays and so all I was doing was working and sitting at home at night watching pornos. I was trying to save up to buy a car so I wouldn’t have to spend so much time watching pornos. This one night I was flicking through this vid that I had seen before. I was horny but I just didn’t feel like a wank. I guess I was tired of my own hand. I had never had a girlfriend who would let me fuck her or who offered to suck my cock or even wank me off. 

I was flicking through this local rag and I saw this ad for naked massage. I thought that would be different. It would be kind of horny having a woman touch me when I was naked. Even if she was only massaging my back.  The ad said her place was really close to my work, so I rang up to find out what the story was. The lady who answered the phone didn’t give out too many details and I didn’t want to look like a stupid kid, so I didn’t ask too many questions. She told me it would be $100 for 30 mins. I kind of just said “Uh-huh” like a stupid teenager and made a time for the next day after work finished. 

The next afternoon I turned up at her place and knocked on the door. I was so nervous that I nearly ran away after I knocked but she opened the door too quick. My mouth must have fell open at the sight of her. She was about 30 but I didn’t care. All she was wearing was this corset, a pair of stockings and a garter belt. I don’t think I had ever seen a woman dressed in that small amount of clothing in the flesh. I felt myself getting turned on just by looking at her.

She told me to come in and I followed her down this little hallway. My eyes were fixed on her ass the whole time. She was wearing this G-string thing and her bare butt cheeks were right there in front of me. I had to clench my hands into fists to stop myself from reaching out to touch her butt. We came to this room and she stood by the doorway. Inside the lights had been dimmed and there was a massage table right in the middle of the room. She told me to take my clothes off and get ready for her. I couldn’t talk at all and just nodded like this idiot. I stumbled into the room and she closed the door softly behind me. Beside the table was this little stand that had a small basket with condoms in it. Next to them was some lube and a box of tissues. I remember thinking that they must be for special people who the lady knew really well. I thought all I was going to get was a massage. I thought that was pretty nice of the lady to do for me.

I took off my clothes and I lay down on the table. After a few moments I heard the door open softly. The lady came into the room and stood beside me. After a few moments I felt her hands on my back. She must have squeezed some oil onto her hands because they slid easily over my skin. I felt myself relax under her touch as she stroked down my back and legs. For the first little while she skipped over my bum but then after I relaxed a bit she pressed her hands against my cheeks as she stroked downwards towards my legs. I felt my dick getting hard against the table and I was worried that this wouldn’t be OK for her. I didn’t know what to do when she asked me to roll over. My dick was full and throbbing and I kind of tried to hide myself with a towel. 

She smiled at me and began massaging my front. I noticed that her boobs had pushed up out of the corset a little and I looked at them jiggling over me as the lady massaged my chest and stomach. She smiled at me and then her hands worked downwards towards my cock. Without making any comment she moved the towel and then slowly her hands worked down until she was holding my balls in her hand. She stroked me slowly and gently and I felt my dick getting even harder against my stomach. I remember being afraid to even breathe. It felt amazing and I never wanted her to stop but I was so scared that she would suddenly realise that she had made a mistake and it would all stop. 

Then she leant over to the little stand beside the table and picked up a condom. With one hand still on my balls she ripped open the packet and slipped out the condom. She placed it between her lips and then leaned down over my rock-hard cock. Her lips slid down over my cock and I almost couldn’t contain myself as I felt a woman’s lips on my cock for the first time. She moved her head up and down on me a few times, but I could feel myself getting so worked up. I was petrified that I was going to blow in her mouth and the whole thing would be over. 

There was a small sigh beside me, and I looked over at Lisa-Marie. She was looking at me with this weird glittery look in her eyes. Her hand was resting on her crotch and I could see her touching herself through the denim. I felt my cock stirring a little at the sight of her. I wished I could put my mouth where her hand was and tease her hot cunt with my lips. There was a cough across the room and my friend Graham spoke up,

“Don’t leave us hanging dude,”

Lisa-Marie looked at me intently and gave me a tiny nod. I took another pull of my beer and continued.

The lady realised that I was getting too worked up and she looked up at me,

“Is this your first time?” she asked softly. 

I nodded and then I found my voice, “Yes,” I croaked

She stood up and then she lifted her leg over me so that she was kneeling on the table above me. I couldn’t move as I watched her naked pussy descending down onto my aching, virgin cock. She slid down onto me slowly and it felt amazing. Just like it said in that movie it felt like warm apple pie. She moved up and down on me very slowly and I tried so hard to stop myself cumming but after about six or so movements I felt myself cumming.

It was the best cum I had ever felt. No wank had ever, ever felt like this. I clamped my lips together because I didn’t know if it was OK to make any noise. It felt as if my head was going to explode. After I finished cumming she slipped quietly off me. I lay on the table still trying to process what had just happened to me. I was almost unaware of what she was doing to me as she slipped the condom off of my limp cock and wiped me clean with a tissue. She smiled at me for a moment before she said,

“I will just let you get dressed when you are ready. I will be down the end of the hall when you are finished.”

She left the room and closed the door behind her. I lay on the table for what seemed like forever with my head spinning. My brain couldn’t process what had just happened. I came for a massage and then left my virginity behind. 

I looked around the room. My friends all stared at me and I suddenly felt as if I had made a mistake telling my story. Then Lisa-Marie stood up from the couch. She walked over to me and stood in front of my chair. My eyes were looking straight at her beautiful belly. Above my head her breasts teased me. She reached down and took my hand.

“That was the frigging hottest thing I have ever heard,” her eyes were hungry as she stared down into my face. She put my hand against her crotch, and I fancied that I could feel the heat through the thin denim. “You need to do something about that now.” She commanded. She led me by the hand out of the room and down the hallway to her bedroom.

The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday was Teenage Years. I was reminded of a story I wrote a long time ago but I couldn’t find it. Instead I found this one which is just as hot. As usual please click on the image below to see who else is being wicked this week.

Losing Your Virginity

I was been teaching a session on consent to a group of students who are between 16 – 17. Yes the famous Stretch strikes again. I was informed by one rather cynical member of the group that I was three years too late with some of the material that I was presenting. She felt that instead of discussing when it was a good idea to have sex we should be discussing HOW to be safe from STI and other misadventure.

She was adamant that EVERYONE was past the stage of deciding if they should be in a sexual relationship. I don’t know if I exactly believe her. Honestly it is impossible to tell. I think that she is right that MOST of her peers are out there fucking like rabbits but ALL?

During a conversation with a friend I discovered that he had lost his virginity at 13. It is not the first person I have spoken to that told me such a young age. I always thought I was around the average age at 17 but honestly I sometimes wonder. Following this conversation I decided to do a poll amongst my Twitter followers. I am a scientist at heart and I will be the first to admit this is NOT a representative or adequate sample but it was an interesting snapshot nonetheless. I even collated the data into a nice table for you all.

Lose VirginityCurrent Age
Results of a poll among 25 Twitter Users. Mostly males.

So my followers are around my age and I was correct. Amongst my peers I was around average. My friend, as my gut told me, was an outlier. (There is a mathematical formula for calculating outliers but I was not nerdy enough to apply it).

It doesn’t answer my question though. What is the average age a young person loses their virginity in my school? I would dearly love to conduct a similar anonymous survey about this and possibly other sexual habits of these teens. I believe it would shock and disturb some of the people working at my school. I also know that if I were to suggest such a thing I would be stuck teaching every class full of every student no-one else wants for the rest of my life! So I will err on the side of caution and keep my curiosity to myself.

However if any of my readers are brave enough to contribute their statistic to my data pool please leave your responses in the comments. Current age, age you lost your virginity and your gender.

The 40 Year Old Virgin

I have debated for a little while about writing this post. But in the end I think it needs to be told. There are a lot of positives about it and I am a little flattered by the turn of events,

Recently I was approached by a man who is not 40 but has maintained his virginity a long way past the time it is considered socially acceptable. Like Steve Carell’s character in the film things have now gotten to a point where it is awkward. He has taken an unusual step of looking for a fantasy woman to share this event in his life before he turns into the 40 year old virgin.

When I received his first message it was one of those mind blowing moments when you say to yourself “I thought I had seen some weird shit but this is out there”. Mr Jones, bless his wee cotton socks, thought it was a scam. I was a bit weirded out because this gentleman had seen my profile on s dating site and then found this blog. The sensible part of me that wears nanny shoes and goes to bed at nine pm told me to block and run far and fast. That part of me doesn’t have a lot of fun.

One of my secret guilty fantasies is taking the virginity of an awkward young man, Mrs Robinson style. Or in a more modern version, Stiffler’s Mom.

I have been chatting to the man in question and I believe he is genuine however I am unsure of how things will pan out. I am worried about not being enough or failing in some way to make the experience memorable. When you have consciously saved yourself for that long you really want the first time to be memorable in a really good way and not in the “why the hell did I do that?” way.

I don’t know if I am as much woman as Stiffler’s Mom.

This post was inspired by Food For Thought Friday.


TMI  Tuesday Lets Do This! 

1. How many people do you really trust?

Fully, absolutely trust with my life? None. Mr Jones is the person I have the most trust in but I guess I have been let down by way too many people way too many times. While I was writing this it occurred to me that I probably need a dog in my life but I love my cat way too much. And while he is the most loving, affectionate and needy cat I have ever met he is still a cat and everyone knows cats are fickle creatures. 

2. What are you excited for?

This is probably a bit sad but I am currently excited that this is hump week. Meaning the middle week of the term. When this week is over the next two weeks of school holidays are closer than the last lot. Which is always a great way for things to be. 

 3. Have you had sex today? 

Considering it is 6.30 in the morning it isn’t surprising that the answer is no. I did have a dates with Pet  planned for tonight but real life got in the way so at the moment there are no concrete plans for sex in the immediate future. 

4. When was the last time you talked to someone until you fell asleep? What relation are they to you?

This is something that Mr Jones and I regularly do. Mostly because he is a night owl and I am an early bird. So we often end up in bed at night chatting because he is still wide awake. I usually end up falling asleep mid conversation because I am so exhausted from the day. 

5. What is your opinion on sex before marriage?

Is this seriously an issue still? I think we need to wake up to the fact that saving yourself for marraige is such an outdated practise. It is as outdated as the idea that virginity is something of value. In my experience parents who push the idea to their kids that saving yourself is the right thing to do are doing more harm than good. This is because these parents are reluctant to help their children to learn the skills and information they need to make responsible sexual decisions and have a healthy confidence in their sexuality. Kids who are encouraged to save themselves or worse, given an abstinence based sex education ar set up to spend a large part of their sexual life missing out on truly expressing themselves because of all the hang ups their parents planted in their young impressionable minds. 

I could rant some more but I suspect that I have made my point and any more would bore you. 

Bonus: Does your present lover know any of your past lovers? How well?

All of my present lovers know about each other. Mr Jones is aware of most of my significant previous relationships and of course all of the ones I have had since we have been together. Does he know about every man I fucked when I was in my early twenties? Truthfully, that was such a long time ago that I don’t think I can even list them all. We have been married for seventeen years. Some guy I had a roll in the hay with when I was 20 is really not significant now. 

PS I have just had a pre-posting read through this and realised I was a tiny bit grumpy when I wrote this. I think I need more meditation in my life. 

If you would like more TMI goodness make sure you check out the other responses at the TMI Tuesday page.