I want to preface this post with a warning. It is a rant. It is my opinion based on my experiences and life so far. I am not an expert nor do I profess to be.
So last night I “went into the out”. It was a rewarding experience. But that is not the story I want to tell.
I ran into a man I had met before. I couldn’t remember if we got naked together. He didn’t mention that we had. So I am confident we didn’t. Things started out OK. He was nice, mostly polite. Sort of funny. Very keen. I thought “maybe”. Then a couple things happened. I took on a task to help a friend and my potential suitor was left waiting for longer than he liked.
While he was waiting he continued to make conversation with Mr Jones and myself. He related a story about being hit on by another male who he had asked to help him out with a tech problem. That in itself wasn’t an issue but his reaction was. For some reason he seemed to think a man placing his hand on another man’s thigh without permission or invitation was far more offensive than a man touching a woman on the arse, the boob or any other unwanted advance. Because it was a man touching another (not gay) man. It was more offensive than a woman coming on to another uninterested woman. It was just THE MOST OFFENSIVE THING EVER.
Why? Because my friend (who had just removed all possibility of being naked with me) is NOT GAY. In fact he was so NOT GAY he had to explain how NOT GAY he is at great length.
When I related this story to The Unicorn she voiced the opinion that he is probably a closeted gay. Honestly I think if he relaxed just a tiny bit he might enjoy interacting with another man sexually. There is a strong possibility he does want to do this but he can’t bring himself to because he is simply NOT GAY. I don’t think he is interested in having a full blown monogamous relationship with a man but sexuality is a spectrum, right? I remember when I was The Unicorn’s age I had similar theories about similar types of men. As a much older person I feel the theory has some merit but it isn’t quite right.
There is a whole swarth of stuff to unpack in this situation. One item is this whole culture of men insisting they are NOT GAY and using “that is gay” as a way of expressing their dislike of a situation. I work with 15 – 18 year olds. I am at the coalface of changing that culture. But this post is not about that.
The thing I found irritating about this man’s attitude was the way he reacted to being touched by someone he wasn’t attracted to. In general (and this is a generalisation minorities and exceptions calm your tits) women approach people with the idea that they may not be acceptable / desirable very much in the front of their mind. Men, in the majority of cases, have the opposite idea. They feel that anyone they are interested in (man or woman) would obviously like them and therefore are surprised when that is not the case. What is amusing is a situation like this one. A man was pissed that another man told him he should be flattered because he was on the receiving end of some unwanted attention. He didn’t see why the gay man should think he would be attracted to him because he was NOT GAY!! Furthermore he couldn’t see how this approach was like the thousands of approaches that women receive over their lifetime.
I read a post this morning written by a bisexual man complaining about other men who message, presumably through apps like Grinder / Tinder etc, to hook up. The complaint being that these suitors are expecting their target to drop everything and be available right now. He was complaining about men who don’t stop to consider that the object of their affection might have a life / job / commitments and not be at their beck and call. I don’t know why this man thinks he is special and that this is a problem specific to bisexual or gay men.
All of this complaining highlights something for me. Often men genuinely don’t get how their behaviour affects other people. Straight men created a society where they feel completely entitled to express their sexual desires and expect that someone will hasten to meet their needs. In our modern world men who are interested in other men are coming out of the closet. No longer is the sexual desire being expressed solely for a woman. What hasn’t changed is the sense of entitlement. It is amusing to watch the reaction of men when they “get a taste of their own medicine”.
I don’t hate men. Truly I don’t. I know that many men have realised that being an entitled twat is not the way to be. And their respect for women and other humans in general shines through. But some days it feels as if we are changing this culture one man at a time.