Several years ago I had a pet. Over the course of a couple of years we had some intense sexual encounters and explored some kinks. The relationship was sexual and definitely not romantic. We met we fucked, sometimes during a rest break we shared food. When he was working away (he was a FIFO ) we texted most days. The connection between us was strong. But then one day he disappeared. He was evasive and when I asked directly he told me it was time to move on. There was no explanation. And I didn’t ask. In my mind I didn’t have the right to ask. We were fuck buddies not dating. Neither owed the other anything.
That is not to say that it didn’t hurt. He left a gap in my life. One that was never filled. Most of the time it wasn’t a problem but sometimes I found myself thinking about our adventures and wishing they hadn’t ended.
Then last Saturday, randomly, I ran into him at the swingers club that Mr Jones and I visit from time to time. It was one of those nights when all sorts of people were popping out of corners and things were a little chaotic. I was chatting to a lady who was sitting nervously in the corner. She was explaining that her new-ish boyfriend had brought her along to check things out. Then there he was. I didn’t know where to look or what to say. We said hi. He kind of explained how he knew us to his new girl and then I ran away. I didn’t know what to say.
It took time to process the encounter. About 24 hours afterward I realised that it hurt my heart seeing him again. I guess I wasn’t as detached as I thought.
To those of you who celebrate some kind of religious festival at this time of the year I hope that your celebrations met all expectations. I am sure that family was visited, food was eaten and presents were distributed.
As a resident of the Southern Hemisphere Christmas can be a confusing time of the year. Traditional foods such as roast meat and egg nog don’t fit with daily temperatures exceeding 30 degrees centigrade. Images of a fat man dressed in a thick red coat with big boots makes me feel even hotter. For me Christmas is eternally represented by long hot days, cicadas and what equates to summer holidays in the US.
Recently I was chatting with a twitter follower who lives in Arizona and he commented on the strangeness of celebrating Christmas in the middle of Summer holidays. I have never known anything different so for me it seems somewhat normal. When I was reflecting on this conversation later it occurred to me that it would be weirder to celebrate Christmas during winter but without snow and the need for heavy winter clothing. At least if it is officially summer you can reconcile with the idea that prevailing symbols are completely inappropriate. I would imagine being in the middle of winter with freezing temperatures and no snow would be significantly different.
Regardless, we are now past dysfunctional family meet-ups for another year and now free to celebrate summer with all it’s searing heat, sunscreen, nights sweating underneath the ceiling fan and days in overcrowded shopping centres. Despite the threat of an enormous electricity bill I think that I will be worshipping the air-conditioning god in the coming weeks.
In a recent TMI Tuesday post I spoke about giving up an extra martial relationship as an example of a recent grand romantic gesture. It was something I had done in response to concerns Mr Jones was having about the direction our own relationship was travelling. Just to be clear he was aware of my interactions with this man and I was in no way having an “affair”of any kind.
Over the course of the twenty or so years that Mr Jones and I have been together sex has been a central feature of our interaction with each other in both a positive and sometimes very negative way. To the outside observer we are very physical with each other. We touch fondly in public and we have sex regularly. Much more regularly than a lot of married people I know. Even when we have been struggling with our relationship I don’t think we have ever gone more than a couple of weeks between drinks.
Where things become awkward and problematic is the wanting. I am much more submissive by nature than many people realise. If Mr Jones says ‘let’s do this’ then we do it. Without question, without me really considering what I want to do. This habit stems from a childhood with an over controlling parent whose skill in using guilt to manipulate the people around them was unsurpassed. This has created in me a compulsion to make people around me happy. As a friend once explained it; I have an extremely bad case of ‘disease to please’.
Long story short I want to please my husband, even at my own expense. I will and often do have sex when I don’t want to in a bid to avoid the guilt I feel when I say no to someone. Over s long period of time this eats away at your soul.
Recently I have started to assert myself. Partly because I have realised that I have to if I want to avoid becoming a complete basket case. Additionally I have realised that I need to learn to ask for what I want if my marriage is to survive past raising children. This is sometimes as simple as choosing what is on the television or saying that yes actually I do want you to make dinner tonight because I have marking to do and I don’t have time.
When it comes to sex things are more difficult. My chronic over thinking kicks in and I double guess myself by asking “Am I saying no because of habit or because I actually don’t want to?” Or worse “Am I convincing myself to say yes because I said no yesterday?” Crazy, crazy stuff. Maybe I need more help than I realise.
In a play relationship it is easy. There are no financial ties, there are no children, there are no mutual friends or relatives to explain things to if one or both of use decides things are not working. Consequently the sex is easy. There is no worry about what he will think if I don’t do it right. If I get bored or he leaves then, no biggie just move on.
Unfortunately this means I can hide a little from my feelings and avoid dealing with stuff. Putting aside other relationships forces me to focus on the person who has been standing in front of me for twenty years and deal with my demons. It forces me to really be honest with him about how I feel and what goes through my mind. Oddly I have delivered some of this information without feeling guilty later. I have given a clear description of what goes through my head without any feelings of remorse for the pain it may be causing Mr Jones.
It is liberating and confidence inspiring. I am not really afraid that he will leave me. Although I am sure some people reading this will ask “why the fuck not?” I also know that there needs to be some pain for true growth to happen. At the moment I am kicking goals in my life. I have been given some very good recognition of my talents and achievements at work. My colleagues are giving me great positive feedback and I feel like I am finally putting to rest some demons that have haunted me for many years, I feel like a worthy grown up person.
Mr Jones often says that one of the things that attracted him to me when we met was my confidence. Over the years some significant events occurred that took away that confidence and perhaps this contributed to what I have been writing about in this post. My achievements in my working life have started to correct this and I can feel the effects trickling into other parts of my life. Taking a break from pursuing and dating others is helping me to channel this in the right direction.
Things are looking very positive. I feel like I am more in control than ever. So watch this space.
Mr Jones has a slight obsession with sailing. At one time he nurtured a dream of sailing around the world, It is not a dream I have ever shared with him. I was not even a huge fan of sailing. Over the years we have owned various sailing craft which I have had varying feelings about. Several years ago we purchased a share in a 39 foot catamaran which has been one of the best sailing investments that we have ever made. In the time we have owned the boat we have spent many days bobbing about on azure coloured ocean enjoying the light breeze and sunshine.
I grew up a three hour drive from the nearest coastline. Holidays at the beach were very rare. I was never a huge fan of sitting on a beach amongst other holiday makers. I still don’t really like that. What I have discovered on sailing sojourns is the jewel that is Moreton Bay. Every trip I discover something new and different. Some new sea creature, a new way that plants and the land interact and an appreciation for the way nature seems to fit together so well. Seeing creatures with clever adaptations that perfectly suit their environment makes my biologist heart happy. It also restores my faith that life on Earth will survive the ticking time bomb that is the human race,
During the first evening of our current outing we spent time at “The Big Sandhills” watching the sunset from the top of the smaller dune. Our struggle up the steep mountain of sand was rewarded with some spectacular views.
I am convinced I live in the lucky country because I have access to such beauty and I am one of the luckies people because I take the time to visit places like this that are so close to my home.
Relationships are work. Not all the time but there is an element of effort involved if you want your relationship to be successful. Recently I had a conversation with my daughter about the misconception that a marriage is all about romance. I hope I didn’t impart too much cynicism into her idealistic teenage brain.
This weeks TMI questions look like fun so here goes my effort.
1. Lingerie–do you like to give it as a gift or received it?
Mr Jones is not a fan of lingerie so as a rule if I want something I have to buy it for myself. I think it would be nice to be in a relationship with a man who buys lingerie for me that he wants to see me in.
In terms of giving lingerie as s gift I absolutely love giving away panties that I have worn to my lover’s. It is fucking sexy to think of them stroking themselves while sniffing my scent or rubbing it on themselves.
2. What’s a good date night movie?
I honestly don’t have an answer to this. I haven’t really followed the practise of having ‘date night’. It seems so contrived. Perhaps my cynicism is misplaced and perhaps it is why Mr Jones and I seem to find it hard to be relaxed in each other’s company from time to time.
Recently we have been watching Outlander together. It has been great sharing a fixation with a show with him. Although I don’t think he has quite the same Jaime fantasies that I do
3. When your partner asks you “what’s wrong?” do you most often say “nothing” when something clearly is wrong? Why?
I try very hard not to do this but I am sure that I have done this. Mr Jones on the other hand is notorious for doing this. It is one of his most frustrating ways of dealing with issues. What usually happens is a period of time when I know there is a problem but he refuses to acknowledge it. This festers along until things come out in a very angst ridden discussion.
4. To keep the fires burning, and the relationship fresh you need to send your significant other just one text. What is that text?
An image of me with another man’s cum in my mouth usually does the trick.
Bonus: What was the last grand romantic gesture you made?
Recently I was involved with a man that I had seen a couple of times. Our fun was fairly vanilla and I am certain that there was nothing about him that tickled any romantic ideas. Certainly in the past I have had friends that have been far more adventurous and appealed to the romantic me much more.
For whatever reason Mr Jones felt very insecure about the time I spent with him. In the past whenever jealousy has reared its ugly head I have persevered and taken care to make sure Mr Jones feels included.
This time I took a different approach. I made the decision to end ties with my new friend and followed through the next day. To some people it may seem like an expected action but to me it represents going against my nature. Kind of like closing off part of my personality. I don’t think Mr Jones understood how significant the action was but he is happy and that is enough for me at the moment.
I am currently on the third last day of the final week of school before Christmas Holidays. In Australia that is six weeks of school – free summer bisected by Christmas festivities. Australian summers are famous for blistering heat and certainly that has been my experience of them. That, along with bush fires and incredibly spectacular storms, complete with copious lightening, wind, torrential rain and occasionally hail.
Over the last few weeks bushfires have been dominating the news. There have been up to 200 individual fires burning that have threatened many communities and individual properties. Fires are not unheard of but I don’t remember fires of this scale so close to home. In my memory fires like this are more frequent in the southern states. Many men and women have volunteered their time to fight these fires to protect the homes and livelihoods of the people affected. I have a deep sense of respect for these people and am grateful for their efforts.
I am very much looking forward to six weeks of no school. Teaching is a very draining profession and the last weeks of the year are hard on teachers and students. For the last couple of weeks it has been a battle to stay focussed and committed. And that is just for me, From what I have observed my students are finding the struggle just as hard. Either that or they have given up.
I am looking forward to having time to write, bake and make stuff. In short to rebuild my sanity in preparation for next year’s onslaught.
How “real” is your online persona?
Do you use a pseudonym, your real identity or both?
Where you use a pseudonym how open about your actual identity are you?
Is your anonymous/pseudonymous online self a secret or more a form of protective “camouflage”?
My online persona is actually a very real version of myself. Perhaps not every facet of my personality but the stories I share are based on real life experiences. The musings are most definitely a reflection of my honest opinions. So it is as real as it gets. In fact it is probably more real than most people get because most people keep any radical ideas they have to themselves.
The only contradiction to my ‘real’ personality is my name. Gemma is of course a pseudonym. I use the name when I write blogs and also when I meet people from on line dating sites. So far only one person has made the connection between this blog and my dating profile without some help. No one has to date made the connection between this blog and the real world ‘Mrs Jones’. I have not taken any of the people in my workplace or circle of regular friends into confidence and shared my blog with them.
Usually once I have met a play friend a couple of times I reveal my real name. There is generally understanding about using a fake name. In fact several of the people I meet have used false names themselves. As I outlined above I don’t share my pseudonym with anyone from my every day life.
Unlike many people who inhabit the murky world of Twitter and sadly, internet dating sites, I don’t use a pseudonym to allow myself to dabble in secret fantasies that are not possible in real life. Tonight I read a fantastic post written by Miss Scarlett about people who engage in sexual interaction in a virtual way as a way of dealing with some version of Life crises. My pseudonym is a form of self protection. When it comes to ideas about people who interact with their children, people tend to be irrational and very closed minded. Consequently keeping some of my extra curricular activities behind closed doors is a matter of professional survival.
As far as people dabbling in virtual fantasies goes I have learned over the years to live and let live. There is always more than one side to a story. I guess where it becomes annoying is when people who have no intention of enacting their fantasies in the real world interact with me and cause frustration and angst by pretending they are. I am getting better at picking these people from the get go. Sometimes they are genuinely interesting people and I develop a friendship of sorts. Sometimes they are selfish irritating individuals who are only interested in acquiring pics for their own personal gratification. Those people don’t usually hang around for long.
Pseudonyms are par for the course with the environment we are hanging around in. People using the virtual world to live out fantasies in a safe way is also par for the course. As long as they are not being malicious and causing problems for people who are we to judge?
I have debated for a little while about writing this post. But in the end I think it needs to be told. There are a lot of positives about it and I am a little flattered by the turn of events,
Recently I was approached by a man who is not 40 but has maintained his virginity a long way past the time it is considered socially acceptable. Like Steve Carell’s character in the film things have now gotten to a point where it is awkward. He has taken an unusual step of looking for a fantasy woman to share this event in his life before he turns into the 40 year old virgin.
When I received his first message it was one of those mind blowing moments when you say to yourself “I thought I had seen some weird shit but this is out there”. Mr Jones, bless his wee cotton socks, thought it was a scam. I was a bit weirded out because this gentleman had seen my profile on s dating site and then found this blog. The sensible part of me that wears nanny shoes and goes to bed at nine pm told me to block and run far and fast. That part of me doesn’t have a lot of fun.
One of my secret guilty fantasies is taking the virginity of an awkward young man, Mrs Robinson style. Or in a more modern version, Stiffler’s Mom.
I have been chatting to the man in question and I believe he is genuine however I am unsure of how things will pan out. I am worried about not being enough or failing in some way to make the experience memorable. When you have consciously saved yourself for that long you really want the first time to be memorable in a really good way and not in the “why the hell did I do that?” way.
I don’t know if I am as much woman as Stiffler’s Mom.
This post was inspired by Food For Thought Friday.
All those years again when Mr Jones and I stepped into the dating scene pubic hair was a big no-no. I had off and on experimented with pubic hair removal to fulfil fantasies or interests of Mr Jones but it wasn’t something I did regularly, I didn’t even really wax my bikini line. Suddenly I found myself regularly waxing. For the first time in my life I was regularly visiting a beautician. Caught up in the new adventures I was having I didn’t really consider the expense too much or the demands on my time particularly draining. As time went on regular waxing became a habit. I genuinely fulfilled that swinger stereotype of not being able to remember the last time I had pubic hair.Fast forward to now and Mr Jones and I have definitely slowed our level of activity. We visit clubs and the occasional party as a couple looking for other couples but we often hook up with single men for a threesome. Mr Jones doesn’t really feel the amount of effort involved in looking for a playmate is not always well rewarded so he tends not to bother. I am of a different opinion.I enjoy meeting different people and experiencing different situations so I put a bit more effort in and am rewarded with a few different experiences. And a certain amount of frustration. Sadly I have not found someone with the mind shattering sexual chemistry I experienced with Pet, but I have had some fun times. Due to the nature of my job my dating life has slowed considerably. My time has become quite limited so visits to the beautician are a thing of the past. Grooming these days is in the form of a quick shave just before heading out the door. A little while ago I had some play time with a European man who had a distinct preference for unshaved pubic hair. I did my best to please him but the best I could do was about four weeks growth. My reward was some intense sex and this very sexy photo After this experience I have become much more relaxed about going on dates with less than a perfectly shaved puss. In fact lately I have decided to grow the bush back. The novelty of having hair down there is a little stimulating. Mr Jones seems happy with this turn of events. He commented recently that it is fun to have something to stroke down there. So I think the hair is here to stay for the moment. Sorry potential playmates but if pubic hair is a deal breaker then you are not the guy for me.
I have probably written about this topic before but I was inspired to pen this because of a post by The Zen Nudist about rape. Although it is not anywhere as extreme as rape there is something about the unsolicited dick pic that I, and many women, find invasive and confronting. Don’t get me wrong, I love penises. I love to look at them, I love to inspect them in the minutest detail, I love to suck them, I love them inside me. What I don’t love is having one shoved in my face when I am innocently going through my day and my message notification pings. I don’t understand why men do it. In a way it is sad that men have distilled their attractiveness to women to such a small (no pun intended) part of them.There are many parts of men that are attractive. I am a sucker for a nice arse. I even have Twitter friends who send me great shots of their arse, after invitation. Things like this. This is hot after you have made a connection, had a conversation etc. There are plenty of ways to entice and intrigue which for me makes attraction stronger. I can’t speak for all women of course but based on conversations I have had with female friends who are dating most women seem to feel the same way as me. Sending uninvited pictures of your dick to women is NOT acceptable behaviour EVER. As I stated in my opening comments it is invasive, offensive and sometimes just plain weird.There are plenty of ways to present your package that are alluring and damn sexy something like this;Or this;So guys, take note. You are more than your naked protruding penis. Show some creativity and remember that less is often more.