Last week Rebel has made the prompt for Wicked Wednesday Goals. You can read her post about the prompt here Despite my best laid plans I didn’t manage to get a post completed on time but I still wanted to share it.
One of the things that a lot of people in my sexual world seem to talk about is the eternal “Fucket List” – the sexual version of the Bucket List. It is a pretty standard conversation starter when sussing out a new or potential partner. There is nothing better than meeting someone you find attractive who has something on their Fucket List that matches an item on yours.
Often however when I am asked what I have on my Fucket List I find myself at a bit of a loss to come up with something interesting. I have engaged in some pretty interesting sexual exploits in the last five or so years, many of them involving sex or sex acts in public places or places where the risk of being spotted doing something highly inappropriate make the experience even more stimulating. However the bulk of these antics were not planned or pre-conceived. Mostly they were the result of acting on a spur of the moment impulse with a better than expected outcome. So when asked what I have on my Fucket list I often come up empty handed. Unless of course I happen to be in a department store, movie theatre, moving vehicle, or a boardroom where the possibilities just scream from the rafters. I sometimes come up with ideas based on literature that I have been reading recently but sadly my life does not allow for too much time to do that sort of thing at the moment.
On top of all of this I seem to have the sexual attention span of a goldfish. Something I find highly desirable today slips off the radar tomorrow. There are a few fantasies that do have endurance though and so I will list them here. Hold on to your hats; this is the first time I have ever put a list on the record!!
1. It is a long held fantasy to be at a club or a party and to be sitting either on a couch or in the floor against the wall and to be giving head to a series of men. I don’t have control over who the men are. Mr Jones possibly is controlling them and their access to me but I essentially don’t have control. I am just sucking as much cock as is offered to me.
2. Another relatively long held fantasy is to have sex on a boardroom table in the boardroom of a relatively large swanky company. My partner doesn’t necessarily have to be the CEO. It is a little bit cliche but I like the element of danger or possibility of being discovered.
3. This one popped in to my head more recently but it is something that Mr Jones and I have discussed off and on and that is to visit a lifestyle resort similar to Desire or Hedonism. There are some places in Australia that are swinger friendly but nothing on the scale of these places. Another variation of this idea is to go on a lifestyle cruise but again there are none of these in Australia so this is more of a long term goal.
4. Mr Jones and myself like to go on regular cruises and every time we do we discuss (in a very pie in the sky way) the possibility of picking up a couple and having a fling. This is more of a nice idea than something we could actually do but if you never ask then you can never have.
And so that is the first ever and maybe the only ever recorded version of Gemma Jones’ Fucket List. Probably the closest thing I have to a sexual goal.
I read a post recently by Andee that re-ignited a few thoughts that have been percolating in my mind for a while. In her post Andee raises the question “What do men get out of watching their wife have sex with another man?”
It is an interesting question one that many different people have many different answers for. In the comments following her post the question of why would a woman want to have sex with a man other than the one she is connected to is raised. Along with the material from Andee’s post this question crystallised a few thoughts in my mind.
In my own experience Mr Jones and I have addressed this question several times. Every now and then I encounter a man who I have a deep sexual connection with. These men get me, we share kinks, ideas, fantasies and for some unexplained reason sex with them can be mind boggling. These relationships always push boundaries and sometimes they threaten to spill over into fully blown romantic love but at the end of the day the men I have this connection with are not men I could form a life partnership with.
So why do I have such a deep and satisfying sexual connection with them? Why do I see fireworks when we are together?
The answer is complex but mainly it is to do with the lack of baggage. Mr Jones and I are married. We deal with children, money, mortgages, illness, irritating relatives and a whole plethora of unpleasant issues every day. I see him naked every morning. Which is sometimes sexy but a lot of times not. If you don’t believe me watch the Sienfeld episode that deals with just this.
So when it comes time to have ‘special cuddles’ sometimes these things affect how we interact and see each other. I don’t have these interactions with other lovers. Our whole relationship is based on sizzling hot sex. And when the sex becomes not so sizzlingly hot then I am free to move on no hurt feelings, no financial issues to settle and no custody battles to fight. It is no strings attached sex, sex in its purest form.
The idea that we should meet one person and form a life long relationship with that one person that will satisfy every need that we could have emotionally and sexually is just plain ridiculous. Thinking about it objectively how could that even be possible? We don’t choose one friend to satisfy all our social needs so why should we choose one spouse to satisfy all our sexual needs? We are human and our nature dictates that we form all kinds of connections with all kinds of people including sexual ones.
Of course every person is different and so for some there is one person who can satisfy their every romantic and sexual need but for the majority of us I don’t believe this is the case. As well as that our sexual desires change over time. So we may meet a partner who does all the right things in all the right places but once we have scratched that itch we find that it is no longer that itchy and move on. This also doesn’t sit well with the whole ‘one partner for eternity’ idea.
And so getting back to the question why would a woman want to have sex with someone other than her husband? Well I think the answer is pretty obvious; because she can, because it is fun and because it enables us to become well rounded,fulfilled sexual beings. To be honest, people who spend a lot of time espousing the idea that lifelong monogamy is a good thing probably need to get a life.
When I talk to vanilla people about my relationship with Mr Jones one of the most common reactions is “I respect your right to choose how you live your life but I couldn’t possibly be like that with my wife / partner” Which is a completely understandable reaction. I guess the thing that most people don’t consider is that we didn’t wake up one day and decide that we were going to have an open marriage. The decision itself to open the door was one that took a long time (like years) to happen.
I remember very clearly when Mr Jones and I made our relationship permanent telling him that I was not going to hold a physical infidelity against him because I knew that he loved me and no matter how many women he fucked outside of our marriage he wasn’t going to leave me. There were a few factors that led to that feeling of confidence; Firstly I was confident of myself in those days in a way that I am not so much now. Secondly he had been in several very serious relationships before I came along and I was the first woman he seriously considered having children with.
I knew that he considered having children a very serious thing. It wasn’t an endeavour that you entered into with just anyone unlike getting engaged. Which seems to be the opposite of most people’s ideas. Maybe that is the reason there are so many mixed families out there and so many children who don’t have a good idea of family or security. But we digress.
Another thing that I remember very clearly and I am not sure if I ever voiced this fear, I know I certainly didn’t at the time. Was that I was deflated by the idea that I would never have sex with another person except Mr Jones. It wasn’t that I didn’t like sex with him, it was some of the best sex I had ever experienced. But rather that I feared becoming old and stale and that I would be missing out on something.
So there we were, almost drowning in the emotional sea of having young children and dealing with life in general. I was struggling with the effect of children on the quantity of my sleep, on my career and on the way the world viewed me. He was struggling with an unexpected sense of responsibility, a sudden change in the amount of my attention he was receiving and more specifically a lack of physical contact between us.
As time wore on the conflict between what I wanted and what I thought I should do became stronger and stronger. I have realised only recently the massive amount of guilt I automatically heap upon myself at every opportunity. Given this you can imagine how much guilt I was carrying around. Mother guilt, wife guilt, daughter guilt and, just in case it wasn’t enough, guilt for not having enough guilt. All of this negativity had a serious impact on my confidence in myself as well as my general outlook. I withdrew from everything including my marriage. But instead of recognising what was happening I took the view that the problem was the marriage, it wasn’t supporting me in the way I needed.
I was very passive / aggressive at that time. I didn’t stand up for myself I just held on to my negative feelings and tried to hide them because, you guessed it, I felt guilty that I wasn’t the perfect modern superwoman.
Things came to a head when a work colleague took advantage of my unhappiness and insecurity and after much coercion on his part and a quantity of alcohol on my part I ended up naked with him. It would be much cooler if there was swinging from the rafters sex but the reality of things is that we had both drunk too much, I was consumed by guilt and fear and he couldn’t even get an erection. So was there sex? Technically no but I definitely cheated.
This series of events became a turning point in my marriage for a lot of reasons. Firstly I bought to a head some of the issues that had led to the infidelity in the first place. Despite my conviction that he was oblivious to my feelings and issues Mr Jones knew something was amiss and so he had preempted my infidelity a little. In an intense discussion he made me promise that I was going to be honest about everything that happened. He had worked out that my work colleague was cutting his grass so to speak and he knew it was probably only a matter of time.
Because of all of this I fessed up almost immediately. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. What followed was an intense few months of late night deep and meaningful conversations, painful and frustrating revelations of feelings, long buried and hidden from each other and of course, guilt. On the plus side issues that both of us had were voiced, and actions were taken to deal with them. Both of us learned a lot about communication and honesty. But more importantly we both learned that the only factor that was going to end our marriage was ourselves. The actions of other people didn’t have any effect as long as we kept communicating with each other.
It wasn’t immediately after this series of events, both of us needed some time to heal, but because of the things we learned about each other that Mr Jones suggested that we open the door of our bedroom and enter into the mysterious world of swinging.